In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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That Urge to Lean Into Him

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You know that unconscious lean you make when you're ready to take a step forward? I feel that in my soul.  That lean toward Him.  The desire to take that next step.

I'm happy tonight.  Enthusiastic almost.  A good productive day topped with a great evening of kinship and laughter.  The urge to share that with Him is palpable, and I smile.  Ahhhh...such a tell.  That distinct tug of that emotional submission.

I share my_self with very, very few.  It is the way I am wired, what I have learned to expect, and a method of self-defense.  I may be in long conversations or intricately involved with those I serve or love dear, but in truth...little of the dialog revolves around me...my...self.  Very, very little.  I listen.  I give information, advice, feedback, points of view, ideas to consider, safe harbor.  I do my best not to bore anyone - let alone a Man - with the miniscule details of my life.  I rarely ramble about my day to others as for the most part...it's irrelevant to the trials and tribulations of their lives, and honestly...they don't give a fuck.  There's no resentment in that.  Simply practical acceptance of reality.

I've lived 45 years, and it is what it is, especially for guys.  ~shrug~  Those broad questions like "How are you doing?" or "How was your day?" are met with polite honest answers "Good," "Busy," "Productive," "Stressful," etc.  Respectful one word answers and then I quickly move on to refocus the conversation toward the more important stuff related to whomever I'm talking to.  Most never notice or think a thing of it let alone ask more detailed follow ups.  If they don't choose to see me...trust me, I won't force them to.  lol  My soul takes intention to see and touch.

Yet, tonight the urge to curl up next to Him and open the curtains to my day remains.  Some piece of me seeks that emotional companionship in Him.  To both lower my guard and share silly details and warm feelings toward the world as well as find a safe, attentive, interested, thoughtful response.  Huh.

Being vulnerable to that need with Him...wanting to be vulnerable like that...unexpected.  This...emotional submission...isn't something we've discussed or outlined.  It is also unlikely to fit in easily within our structure, but that could simply be my way of being cautious.

For now, I simply accept the moment...that sweet telling lean toward Him.

Maybe...just maybe my little girl's coma isn't as deep as I believed.

Hmmmmm....
~DominaKat  

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