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Showing posts from November, 2019

In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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Suspended

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In a spacious room outside of Youngstown, exhausted and momentarily paused on my way to to my hometown for the holidays, I find myself suspended between multiple worlds, multiple lives, multiple realities.  A strange yet insightful place.   I haven't been alone in a hotel room since returning to "unowned" status.  The couple of times I've had a room were stuffed with people and schedules and events.  Whether it's the exhaustion dogging my body and mind or the scent of the room or the feel of the sheets against my naked flesh, I don't know, but my whore...she stirs.  I ache for the warmth of skin against my skin, the weight of a Man pushing me into the mattress, the all-consuming burn of passion and need and fire and darkness.  ~sigh~  Being alone is nothing new to me.  It's my security blanket.  I can exist simply in the moment without anyone else's roles, expectations, needs, or wants influencing my course.  I can be in my truth whatever that
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The Stillness of a Lioness

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{sigh} I've finally lifted my head above the water and caught my breath.  After months of swimming with chaotic tides and focusing so tightly on the tasks I had in front of me, I finally have the bandwidth to see, feel, be. I am restless tonight. I ache to quench a thirst I can not name even as I lack the desire to drink. Logic and knowledge nag me of a dozen things I am long overdue to have in my life.  Love.  Passion.  Desire.  Touch.  Sex.  Pain.  Dominance.  Submission.  Orgasms.  Intimacy.  Service.  Surrender.  Yet my Lioness remains unstirred for any of it.  Not even a whisker twitch of curiosity disturbs her stillness. Maybe I've trained myself too well.  Do not want what you can not have.  Let go of the ache, so that it won't dictate my direction.  Lessons force fed from the cruelest of fates again and again. I know...I'm still working on slowing down after such a long, brutal pace.  There is an impatient viciousness to cut off anything that does not
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