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In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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The Edge of His Darkness

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It’s 3am. I should be unconscious, earning another two or three face creases from sleeping soundly on His t-shirt, but in the shadows and silence and blessed fuckin stillness, I selfishly steal the time from my pile of obligations to travel back to our last night, our last morning, and just savor the memories.  Words, images, moments flicker through my mind.  Until I settle there.  That.  I hit replay and replay and replay. Fuck. What He did to me….   What I can’t even bring myself to fuckin type.  Even here. No one has dared.  Except Him.  Except Him.  Except Him. Looking back, I see clearly the presence I had felt.  It was there.  In the look carved on His face.  The edge of a Darkness that He holds tightly at bay had come to watch me.  Somehow... after so long... I had caught His interest again.   I met His gaze without fear, and His vicious response was absolute. There was no warning.   No preparing me to take what was to come.   He. Gave. Me. No. Choice.   And in the quiet deep o
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a curious lg

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My little girl is no longer tucked securely in her attic hideaway, where I’ve kept her locked for so many, many, many years.    He somehow freed her very early on.  I hadn’t been at all prepared for her appearance when she burst back into my consciousness with mischievous smiles and delighted giggles I couldn’t contain for an impromptu shopping trip to Home Depot.  She wanted to play with Him like a budding flower reaches for the taste of Sun in Spring. Instead of fearing for her safety, I basked in her delight and joy.  Her sudden arrival was an early sign that This Man was truly special. But then life lifed, and she had no choice but to quietly retreat back to her room.  There was no pouting or tears just a thread of sadness like a cold, rainy day had squashed her hopes of more time at the playground with Him.  She has popped into my world unexpectedly now and then since, tempted by swings and/or a certain irresistible puppy, but her visits were always momentary glimpses. Until about
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Failure of My Situational Mathematics

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He has caught me off guard more times than I can count the last couple of months.  That’s an unfamiliar feeling, almost disorienting.  My situational mathematics lean a bit cautious, but they are historically usually pretty damn accurate.   Except apparently in regards to Him.  (A pattern continues. lol)  The further along we move the more my situational mathematics utterly fail me.   Mmmmm, that's not 100% true.  All of my less sapio pieces intrinsically know and understand Him in a way that defies fucking logic or reason, but their lack of tangible data makes Alfred and the Consigliere crazy.  Then the Spiritual Chick walks in talking about "energy" and "we've done this all before many times," and my logical bits simply stop talking, since there's truly no point in wasting thought let alone words once she gets in on the conversation.  Their assessments change nothing. Yes...it can be a little noisy in my head at times.  lol But He even surprised all my
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Primal Surrender

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02.13.24 My last post was an attempt to release the frantic need for Him clawing through my mind and soul.  It didn't help much.  I had to drown myself in the intellectual distractions of startup plans instead while I tried in vain to ignore my lioness as she continued to batter against the cage of her reality: vanilla work, doctor's post-dental surgery instructions, a damn Nor'easter.  Finally last night, exhausted, she tucked her tail, curled into a ball, and fell silent and still.   There was no more fight left in her.   There isn't any today either. Again... I don't want to talk to anyone. Hear anyone. See anyone. Touch anyone. My lioness just wants to hide away in her cave.  She doesn't give a fuck about being responsible or being social or the fucking world.   Only He can soothe her and rouse her from her retreat and sleep.  Though tonight she would be hard pressed to summon any of the energy from her last post.  However, there will be no soothing due to r
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Visceral Desires

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Today is not the day.  I'm not nice.  I'm not even civil.  I can't be polite or even rational. I've somehow managed the last 10 days without a problem.  Then last night, my last conscious thought before I crashed was how much I missed Him in my mouth.  I slept hard and long. This morning, I woke up pissed the fuck off.   I don't want to talk to anyone. Hear anyone. See anyone. Touch anyone. Only He can soothe me. ~whimper~   My desire for Him has overwhelmed me.  The need to have Him shoving into any and all of my holes is visceral.  Primal.  Bordering on fucking violence.  It vibrates in my damn bones and through my mind like an endless jackhammer, pounding away at every shred of control I have left. I want to scream.  Rage.   I want to destroy things.  Tear apart the world.   I need to SUCK. I need to FUCK. Not patiently. Not politely. And sure the fuck NOT gently. I need Him as fucking uncivilized as I am. His grip hard and firm in demand of my body. His arms aro
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Unreasonable State of Mind

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My lioness grew restless this evening. Within a couple of hours her agitation only amplified.  I tried to acknowledge her wants, but I simply became more aware of her discomfort. I tried a little talk therapy.  That wasn't enough either. I tried to find peace in sleep, but a nightmare only chased me down like a relentless dog.  When I finally woke, I understood what I had to do. I've learned when the energy shifts, however it shifts, I must trust it, flow with it. Let it lead me—physically, mentally, emotionally—wherever I am meant to go, so I may know or experience whatever deeper truth I am meant to find. To fight its current only makes shit harder and wastes time. I must surrender to its demand. Acknowledging her state wasn't enough. I needed to own her truth. This...is me owning my truth. This...is my surrender. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It's been less than 18 hours since I was last in His arms, against His heat, the taste of His flesh on my tongue, the sound
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