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Showing posts from November, 2018

In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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My Best Relationship

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I've loved. I've been in love. Mmmmmm...I've been in lust! I've been fucked poorly, rarely, well, passionately, and with earth-shattering pleasure that rendered me senseless. There's been a handful of one night stands, a sprinkling of short tepid time-killers, and a handful of long deep relationships. Of those long ones...one faded, one bruised my pride, and two broke my heart. I even did marriage once, but that nearly destroyed my soul. With some I Topped.  In others I bottomed. I Dominated. I submitted. I've been Owned. I've been left, abused, lied to, cheated on, neglected, and abandoned. I've walked away in peace, in resignation, in resolute conviction, in fire and fury, in relief. I've been hated, stalked, condemned, and I've been adored, worshipped, cherished, and loved. Even after all of that and forty some years, I'm still never quite convinced I know what I'm doing relationship-wise or if I'll ever get it ri
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The Reconnection of Past and Present

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Perspective is key to understanding anything.  The more perspectives you have the more accurately you can see the Truth. I had the opportunity to step back the last few days - on many levels on damn near every front.  It's been an eye-opening experience that has brought a fresh measure of clarity I hadn't expected.  The kink/lifestyle front was by no means immune. Last week for the first time in 7 1/2 years, I saw my ex - the one who describes me as a force of nature.  I have never had a problem admitting that I wouldn't be where I am today without our time together.  For that, he has and will always have my eternal thanks.  He feels the same about me.  He'd followed me into the lifestyle all those many years ago, a journey that changed us both forever and eventually led us down different paths. As we spent time reconnecting, he said something to me during our lovely lunch that I hadn't considered or reflect on in a long time. "I had to negotiate a lot
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