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Showing posts with the label The Lifestyle

In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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Reflection & a New Path

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SPLF 23 represented a abrupt shift in my journey.  I wasn't prepared to be seen, to be acknowledged in the sea of humanity, to be wrapped in tight hugs. let alone be fiercely protected and held firmly side-by-side.  I was both deeply humbled and profoundly honored.  Many times. Those five days in Dallas moved me and pushed me on another new path of transformation. After years of pandemic coping that focused only on areas in my life I could evolve, I remembered I had a heart. And...After years of watching how individuals moved/did not move, stood/did not stand, built/attempted to destroy, were 100% authentic/fakers of funk, driven by idealistic goals/greedy self-promotion, I realized I needed fucking space to breathe. Since the Spring, I've been reevaluating how I move, what I give, when I should engage, where I need to be, and who I directly or indirectly offer my co-signature.  I've taken many healthy steps to create a more positive environment for myself and connected in
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Writer's Tears & a Bronx Fire Escape

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2am.  Top space has me tightly in its fist.  Sisterhood bonded.  Energy shared.  Knowledge imparted.  Friendship built.  The truths we reveal sippin Writer's Tears in the cool breeze on a Bronx fire escape and over platefuls of piping hot empanadas leave us nowhere to hide. Leather Living explained...the sex...the pain.  A different level of it all.  Messy.  Hot and sweaty.  Piss.  Even shit.  Real.  Raw passion ripped from flesh and spirit without filter.  Tears licked.  We leatherfolk wallow in the grit and purity of our religion because there...we find our truest selves. The floor...fuck yes that mother fuckin floor.  Where there is no pride or ego.  Where we let go.  Where we are stripped bare of everything... Except our fucking surrender.  To the Universe.  To one another.  To ourselves.  To the One who in that moment holds our pain, our minds, our hearts, our bodies, our very fucking souls. The floor is where serenity and peace finally find us. Amazing fucking night.   ~Domin
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Adventures in Online Dating | Post #1: The Art of Peopling

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After spending years (pandemic) getting seriously reacquainted with my Introvert and enabling my Service Whore to over-extend herself beyond fucking reason, I'm trying to reconnect to the mysterious art of peopling.   I had no choice but to face up to the reality that my peopling skills are rusty as fuck when at SPLF I was stunned into confused silence from a basic personal question during a first in-person intro.  If they had asked about any number of service projects or classes, I could have easily rattled off dialog.  But a simple, polite "You fascinate me.  Tell me about yourself," slammed my thought processes from Fourth into Reverse, grinding gears and causing significant damage to my mental transmission.  Later reflection...I need to practice more personal engagements. It's time to transition fully outta Pandemic Mode and feed other pieces of me besides my Introvert and Service Whore.  Note:  Introvert resents and rebels against this effort with almost every st
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DominaKat's Lifestyle Classes I What I Teach & Bio

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Updated | 05.20.23 CLASS LIST The 12 Goals of S&M: Foundations for Scenecrafting | Class Write Up Fail Fast, Fail Often, Fail Forward: Normalizing (the Reality of) Failure as a Part of Growth in the Lifestyle | Class Write Up - Coming Soon! Note | Session can be tailored toward a focus of BDSM, Authority Transfer, or Leather Community if desired. The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships & Dynamics Intro - 90m or Intensive - 3hrs | Class Write Up Day Workshop - 6 hrs | Includes additional guided self-reflection, group discussions, & self-assessment workbook Know Your Service Boundaries: Lessons from the Trenches of a Service Whore (for BOTH sides of the /) | Class Write Up The Ally~Advocate~Warrior Series Session 1 | The Ally~Advocate~Warrior Journey for Marginalized Communities within Kink & Leather | Class Write Up Session 2 | Ally~Advocate~Warrior Tactics for Individuals, Organizers, and Groups in Leather & Kink | Class Write Up Follow On/Up |
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SPLF 2023 | Session Info/Resources

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Intro to 9 Service Languages Session Service Languages/Dialects Handout External Resources/Books Link The Journey from Ally to Advocate to Warrior for Marginalized Communities within Kink and Leather The Ally~Advocate~Warrior Journey Handout
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CLASS WRITE UP | The Journey from Ally to Advocate to Warrior for Marginalized Communities within Kink & Leather

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Title  |  The Journey from Ally to Advocate to Warrior for Marginalized Communities within Kink & Leather Format  | Lecture-Based Presentation with Slide Deck Duration  | 90-120m (w/Q&A) Target Audience  | Beginner-Intermediate-Advanced  Individuals in the Lifestyle Event Organizers  Conference Committees  Non-Profit/Organizational Boards Whether you are passionate about Social Justice and Equity for the BIPOC Community, Women's Rights, LGBTQA++ Rights, Transgender Rights, Mental Health, Neurodiversity, Learning Disabilities, Physical Disabilities, Body Positivity, Ageism to name a few...this class is for YOU. Description  | Ask a member of any Marginalized Community to name an Ally—either an individual or organization—within The Lifestyle, and their likely answer will simply be a blank stare.  The sad truth is that most who consider themselves Allies do not understand (nor been taught) the fundamentals of The Journey to Allyship, let alone the path to Advocacy or the steps
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TES Fest | an Ugly Confession & the Dawn of Rediscovery

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Series | TES Fest 2022 Essay #4 |  an Ugly Confession & the Delight of Rediscovery CONFESSION | Somewhere in the last 18+ months I lost all feelings of sexiness.  Actually it's worse than than that.  I no longer felt attractive, I couldn't quite recognize my own body movements, and I flat out didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.  It was almost as if I'd lost complete connection with my physical self. Just typing all those words is difficult.  I feel like I failed myself somehow even though when I look back I see so many personal triumphs.  I'd mentioned elements of the issue a few times to a handful of folks, but no one seemed to be able to relate, and it's only in writing this post and looking back that I can truly perceive the depth of the issue. There's no way to cover in a single post everything that transpired between the Fall of 2020 and March of 2022, but I believe many factors contributed to my lost physical connection. A 7-month hibernation d
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TES Fest 2022 | Vendors & My Groaning Wallet

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Series | TES Fest 2022 Essay #3 | Vendors & My Groaning Wallet FINALLY...a week later, I finish UNPACKING from TES Fest!  Unlike packing, this process allowed me to unwrap, touch, and/or play with all the goodies I brought home with me, so there were little bursts of joy to carry me through the week as I emptied one bag and then another.  ") I'd purchased a number of custom pieces over the last 2 1/2 years from folks like Whispers of Fire Fet | Website , Whips by Axel Fet | Website , Toolworks Chicago Fet | Website , and UniqueKink Fet | Website , so my S&M Toolbox was VERY well set.  Yes...Kinky Retail Therapy during the pandemic was a thing for me...don't judge. lol Knowing my toolbox was already too damn big to take with me any-fucking-where anymore, my Lifestyle spending for 2022 was going to focus more on gear.  After all, I AM doing the Con/Run thing now!  Gotta show up and represent, right???  I'd browsed the TES Fest Vendor websites, but meh...only
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TES Fest 2022 | Post-Con Status & Priorities

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It's been less than 36 hours since leaving TES Fest 2022. For every amazing person who has messaged me, friended me, commented on something I shared...please bare with me for the next 5-7 days... I was back to my 9 to 5 vanilla job Tuesday am, which leaves me with limited time. My mind is still a whirlwind of amazing shit I need to process and express. That blizzard of thought has left me below standard logic and brainwave wise, and I do not want to do you a disservice by being a fucking airhead! smh... more water...more veggies...more sleep. My body is still recovering. Even my fucking hands ache! SMH...I'm self-masochist-ing just by typing! More Advil...more sleep...more veggies. Aside from my own self-care, my post-con priorities are checking on those closest to me regarding con drop, anyone I Topped, anyone I've offered aftercare from their other scenes, as well as reassuring vanilla family who got a little worried that I was harder to reach than usual. lol I prom
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Lit Fires & Those Who Feed the Flames

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It's launched.  After two long years, The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships & Dynamics !  This concept came over me in the Spring of 2020 in the middle of the initial NYC COVID outbreak and REFUSED to slip into the lost files of my mind.  When I previewed my very rough ugly concept outline a few weeks later to each of my personal Board of Directors, my first questions were "Who's already put this idea together?  Who's already written this book?"  All of them laughed and said, "No one.  I've never seen Service put out there like this.  I guess you need to be the one."  My fate was sealed.   The concept persisted even when I was overwhelmed with grief at the deep loss of my close friend and Member of my Board of Directors, through the brutal workload that was UPRISE! 2021, while handling needs of my closest family, and as I did my best to dodge the numerous COVID surges that plague our communities.  However, for much of the la
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CLASS WRITE UP | The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships & Dynamics

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After two long years, I am FINALLY launching my M/s class—The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships & Dynamics!  Special thanks to the late BlackMusic for sitting through my very early stage versions in the Summer of 2020 to pressure test and debate the concept I was pulling together.  His support and encouragement helped me believe in the idea that refused to fade from my mind.   Note | There will eventually be additional class structures (duration/intensity levels) of this material.  Still working out those options! ") ~DominaKat  Title | The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships & Dynamics Format | Lecture-Based Presentation with Slide Deck Duration | Intro Class - 90m; Intensive - 180m  Target Audience | Beginner-Intermediate-Advanced Description | The number of ways to Serve within an Authority Transfer relationship or dynamic is infinite.  Each one is customized to suit the individuals involved, and with long-standing P/partn
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The Climb to the Next Step

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Anyone who knows me or has been in a class/discussion/panel/meeting with me knows I have something to say about 85% of the time.  I don't speak from ego or for attention.  I'm an idealist, so the ideas and discussion are my focus and where I find my passion.  Seriously...I can get wet from conference sessions .  ~eye roll~  I'm weird.  I know.  My point is...the learning, discussing, knowledge sharing is my zen! While I try not to speak unless my comments, thoughts, or ideas have relevance to the discussion, the value of my words is always subjective to the listener, and since my attention is trained on the presentation or discussion at hand, I'm usually oblivious to whether my words resonate to people.  This is pretty much the case with my writings as well.  I don't write for an audience.  I write to unpack, sort through, and assemble the puzzle pieces in my mind.   Over time as I've attended community events and even created and/or hosted my own events, I star
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Silver Linings

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Despite my struggles to find my footing in this start of a new normal, I hold tremendous gratitude in my heart and being for the many, many silver linings I found in the Cat 5 Hurricane that was the pandemic. My parents and adult kids have remained safe and long-term healthy to date.   I stayed safe, mostly sane, and relatively healthy aside from a few stress-induced pounds and lack of exercise. Employment...so incredibly grateful that I was immediately able to shift to remote work. Zoom...though like most...I am sick of fuckin zoom! LOL  However, I am eternally grateful for this platform's massive contribution to society during the gravest of times.   Being able to see family and my dearest friends on the regular kept me grounded and productive. My core friendships deepened exponentially.  Without the distraction of long commutes, wait staff and food, a secondary aspect of entertainment whether it was a class, a movie, shopping, an exhibit, a jazz performance...we had time and foc
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A Flat Football & Adrift in a Sea of Bandaids

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After so many of the things, I've spent September settling back in and restarting my world.  Yet as I review various options for Lifestyle classes, events, reconnecting, somehow everything feels bland and uninspiring.  My heart and soul feel utterly disconnected from the Lifestyle.  I am...adrift. I've been blessed in many ways the last nearly two years.  I didn't have it as hard as so many.  I'm not depressed.  I wake up refreshed.  I'm productive.  My emotions are in check.  Minimal anxiety as I've slowly over time re-acclimated to being out in the world with people.  In fact, I can list many personal silver linings that I've found despite this seemingly unending Cat 5 Hurricane of a Pandemic. So I ask myself what the fuck?  One of my biggest passions now feels empty and stale and no longer magical. ~sigh~  To use an analogy...the game ball is flat, so I can barely find the motivation to go to the field to practice or play.  Who wants to toss a football wh
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2021 | Dream Big

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In the time of Covid, to dream takes on a whole new meaning.  To dream of better days.  To dream of our mask-free past and someday future filled with the warmth of friends close by and laughter in the air.  To dream of carefree travel.  Of love and romance and of course...hope.  Of the sexiness of withering flesh and sweet pain at play parties, joyous leather bar nights with thumping bass, and of warm conferences where we gathered en masse as community. Fortunately, I'm not the type of masochist to dwell on things outside my reach or ability to manifest.  I refuse to torment myself with the thoughts of what cannot be.  I wait.  Someday the world and the advances of medical science will safely re-open all those doors once again to me and the community in some capacity. Until then...with emotional and physical needs like love, play, kinkiness, submission, topping, relationship(s), etc all trapped in the muck of Covid, my wheels have spun for months.  Books teased nuanced new flavors
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I Miss YOU

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To my Community Friends & Family...I miss you!  I know I'm connecting with many of you numerous ways electronically, but I fucking MISS sharing space with YOU. I miss your warm hugs. I miss the smell of you. I miss the solid-ness of you. I miss watching you interact with those you love most. I miss that subtle look you'd send my way of "WTF?" at something someone else may have said. I miss your head leaning on my shoulder or (depending on height) my head on yours. I miss putting my hand on your arm, thigh, or chest as I laughed in joy at our conversation. I miss that side-eye glance followed by..."stop talking...I need a minute to think of all you just envisioned." I miss sitting next to you on shitty chairs in a cramped room all for the purpose of simply sharing knowledge and energy. I miss the friction of our bodies rubbing against one another as we moved through a crowded munch. I miss the shared excitement and heat as we played together i
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My Failure to Embrace Basic M/s Tradition | The Rebellious Non-Petitioning slave/property

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The Tradition that a slave/property/s-type should/must formally petition any potential Master to be His slave is like a shard of glass in my Leather boot. No matter how many ways I look at it...the concept rips to shreds the fundamental foundation of imbalance that M/s dynamics demand. There...I've said it.  Written it.  In fucking bold font, thank you very much.  I've held back making public my very non-traditional view for over three years.  I had hoped in vain that at some point I would read, hear, SEE the wisdom and logic behind an s-initiated approach to beginning an M/s relationship.  Despite numerous books, classes, and discussions, I've yet to find an answer.  In fact the more I learn, the firmer my rejection of the "s-types should petition to serve" Tradition becomes. My issue boils down to one very clear point.  If the slave/property-type is the one who has to research an M-type to discover if there might be a good fit and then petition the M wit
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2020 Reading List v1

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A lioness' hunger takes many forms.  Her mind needs to be fed often, well, and deeply.  A sated intellect is key to her tranquility and satisfaction.  ( Also s ee Bitch, Can You Just Get in a Damn Box?!? ) Suggestions/recommendations always appreciated.  Of course NYC's D/s Book Club will no doubt help feed my Lioness. ~DominaKat ~~~Finish the Following~~~ Master/slave Mastery - Update Handbook of Concepts, Approaches, and Practices by Robert J. Rubel Ph. D. Sacred Power: Holy Surrender Edited by Raven Kaldera Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers  by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy ~~~New~~~ Real Service by Raven Kaldara & Joshua Tenpenny Warrior Goddess Training by Heatherash Amara The New Bottoming Book  by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison Tears We Cannot Stop  by Michael Eric Dyson Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vo
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In Deep Gratitude | It Takes a Village/Community

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Yesterday, I officially became an ONYX Pearl Associate of the New York/Northeast Chapter.  Cross over marked the culmination of much growth and hard work the last six months, and a multitude of thoughts swamp my mind as I consider this unanticipated milestone in my ten year journey.  However, before I begin to unravel all tangled thoughts, I first need to give much, much, MUCH thanks to the MANY who assisted me in my steps to being an ONYX Pearl.  Without their support, encouragement, friendship, and love I would not have found my way on this path into Sisterhood nearly as well. My previous Sir |  While our time together was not nearly as long as either one of us had wanted, He taught me much.  One of the most important lessons He demonstrated again and again throughout our relationship was the importance of community.  His personal commitments and dedication to His Ghanaian Community as well as His Lodge offered me a glimpse at the personal fulfillment such relationships can bring.
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Why I Love the Lifestyle

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