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Showing posts with the label My Journey

The 9 Service Languages | Intensive Session Wrap Up Thoughts

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On Sunday, I wrapped up my first small group FULL INTENSIVE workshop that spanned 6+ hours over the course of 2 days. Anyone who has sat through my Intro class knows, The 9 Service Languages is a fucking BIG IDEA! When I first launched my class, I naively believed it could be tackled in a typical 90-minute or 2-hour session. I quickly learned that was impossible and that few platforms (cons, orgs, mtgs) had the ability to hold space for me and attendees to get DEEP in the weeds of WIITWD as it relates to Service. I am PROFOUNDLY HONORED that @S-O-C—the Service Oriented Conference—reached out to me earlier this year to be a part of their inaugural Intensive Program. They were the perfect partner with the perfect target audience for an Intensive of The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships/Dynamics. The session allowed me to work with a small group as we got our hands dirty, dissecting where, when, how, and why we do Service and considered ways to adjust, tweak, evol...
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My First Paddling

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From the beginning of my jump down the lifestyle rabbit hole, paddles were hard limits.  Nothing about those thick wood implements ever felt right.  Wood is beautiful.  As homes, furniture, accents the natural fibers sing to me.  However, physicality, my skin was not drawn to the energy.  Mentally and emotionally, what I didn't comprehend until recently was that the entire interaction of paddling felt like...TOO MUCH power exchange, too deep of submission. The surrender too…absolute.  Instinctively given the relationships I held over the years, everything in me would state definitively, "Hell the fuck no," and over the first thirteen years of kink and masochism, never once was I tempted or even curious. Until Him. Then that first night…well morning actually, I took from Him what no Man had ever given me.  My first kiss of a paddle (as well as many other things I never realized I needed.).  He sent me to my fucking knees with a single swat. Knees q...
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My Truth

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I've bottomed to Tops, but no one has ever truly seen me surrender or submit.  Whatever glimpse they may have seen of something...it was/is nothing compared to how I instinctively respond to THAT beautiful, sexy Man.  With Him...I surrender and submit with everything I am and everything I wish I could be.  Under, guiding, grounding all of my practical personalities and acts of service, the Truth is... The very sight of Him can bring me to tears.   The smell of Him grounds and eases my spirit. His voice, my compass to bring me Home. His touch effortlessly reaches in and can either settle or shakes the depths of my soul. The taste of Him is my Redemption. To have Him fill me, take me, claim me is my Ascension to Divine transformation. My Truth is... I fuckin Worship That Man. The ground He walks on. The very air He breathes.   My surrender to Him, His will, His needs, His comfort, His well-being are my True North.   I am simply His Lioness, Alf...
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The Value of Helplessness

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Dread’s post and a conversation with my sister, Malika, has had me pondering the unlikely (for me) topic… the value of helplessness. Anyone who has met/engaged with me even on the most basic level would agree I am far from being anyone’s damsel in distress.  I am competent.  I am relatively self-sufficient.  I am fierce.  If cornered, I can be damn near fuckin dangerous.  I live, work, and conquer one of the most demanding and chaotic cities in the world.  I've faced countless shitty, insurmountable situations that I couldn't change, but I always had control of me.  I fought.  I hunkered down.  I changed course.  I did what I had to do to survive. However, numerous times 2024 kicked my ass and left me with no choice but to BE helplessness.  “BE.”  I couldn't fight or change course.  There was no surrender.  There was no give in.  There was no fuckin option.  Each time, I had zero say of my state.  Each ...
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The Drops

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When He sends me back to the world I once considered my norm, it’s never pretty. I drop into fuckin savagery. Whether for a day or two or three, the civilized protocols and service I embrace when I'm with Him fall away as primal survival skills and a rudimentary existence rise once again to the surface. Last time the incessant eye twitch was the wake-up call that snapped me out of my relentless focus of the concrete path in front of me.  For hours I'd battled the mental and physical churn of Midtown's Friday rush hour madness, trying to accomplish my tasks, but the warning at my brow eventually registered, and I paused on the dark sidewalk amid the unending noise and flow of humanity to assess my body. My head throbbed. My breathing was shallow. Tension I used to carry daily but had forgotten about during the last few months had seeped into my shoulders and crawled up my neck. My hips, relaxed and at ease just that morning in His cave, now ached and begged to stretch in s...
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Enough is Enough | To Take Root

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I find myself in unfamiliar territory.  This whole...actually being led thing.   Not in the bedroom. Not in some kinky-fuckery. Not in a litany of "Yes, Sir.  May I, Sir?" protocols. Not in put-on-a-sexy-dress. Not in oh-bring-me-food. Don't get me wrong... He does lead me in those ways.  Well... most anyway.  I'm not sure he even cares what I wear. lol  Those common leadership tactics are all ones I have experience in and can manage (on most days) to follow without stumbling or making an ass of myself.  On rare occasions, I might even succeed with some measure of grace.   The unfamiliar territory I mean is plain old Real Life—an area no one has dared try to lead me for... decades.  That was never what partners and I was doin.  They didn't have a Vision, the Desire, the Wisdom, the Strength, or the damn Authority to Guide, Nurture, Protect, let alone make Decisions that would have real world consequences regarding how I li...
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The Embers

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I knew from the beginning we could be amazing, but every time we take a step or a leap forward, I'm a little in awe of what I find. The calm, steady, and the quiet of Him... holds me in a way I've never felt.  Solid, secure, grounded deep in the Earth like a mighty sequoia, yet there's an indescribable freedom and flow and lightness that let's me dance with butterflies and moonbeams.    The joy of light and laughter... took my breath away and filled me to overflowing.  The doors and cabinets and hidden nooks willingly opened to see deeper.  Long walks on the beach.  Playful teasing.  Hands held.  Smiles and hugs and kisses.  All of it...Pure magic and wonder. The bliss of physical work, logical collaboration, and addicting progress... my bones, my muscles, my pores, my soul drank it all in after being starved so long from the purpose and act of doing.  I can't even explain...it's that trusted North Star—His Vision and Direction—that fuel...
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In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply...
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Failure of My Situational Mathematics

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He has caught me off guard more times than I can count the last couple of months.  That’s an unfamiliar feeling, almost disorienting.  My situational mathematics lean a bit cautious, but they are historically usually pretty damn accurate.   Except apparently in regards to Him.  (A pattern continues. lol)  The further along we move the more my situational mathematics utterly fail me.   Mmmmm, that's not 100% true.  All of my less sapio pieces intrinsically know and understand Him in a way that defies fucking logic or reason, but their lack of tangible data makes Alfred and the Consigliere crazy.  Then the Spiritual Chick walks in talking about "energy" and "we've done this all before many times," and my logical bits simply stop talking, since there's truly no point in wasting thought let alone words once she gets in on the conversation.  Their assessments change nothing. Yes...it can be a little noisy in my head at times.  lol B...
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When There's No Responsible Personality Left to Supervise

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NYC is almost within reach, just a few hours away.  I won’t lie.  I’m tired as fuck.  This weekend was a growth experience in more ways than I can currently count—with my fierce, BADASS Sister, with my Tribe, with my Community, for myself.  However I can’t shake the weariness nor find the blessed relief of sleep on this rainy, dreary return trip.   Instead I'm stuck.  I haven't been able to process all that happened or the resulting emotions that have filled me the last few days as I've run from one thing to another.  I'm trapped in a drop from a high that held no physical release.  Adrenaline, worry, joy, situational excitement, fierce pride, relief…yes to ALL that.  But energy-infusing pleasure or pain?  Orgasm?  Tears?  There was none of that in my cards.  Now in post-game, it’s everything I can do to maintain a train of thought and get my ass through the next step, and the next, and the next, so i can eventually g...
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The Co-Creation of a New Service Dialect | My Initial Steps

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I am very slowly learning, attempting, exploring a new service dialect that I know little to nothing about. Most would think, "No big deal," especially for me.  I consistently reach for new information, ideas, points of view to add to my toolbox, especially in the lifestyle through classes, discussions, panels, cons, etc.  Those closest to me have graciously poured endless tanker trucks of knowledge, concepts, and skills into me over the years, fueling my Lifestyle Journey as well as my personal and professional paths.  I am curious as hell and don't hesitate to find ways to feed my often voracious mind.   But when a romantic interest who would RECEIVE said service is the One instructing and assessing my progress of GIVING service???  Oh...that shit is a completely new experience for me in addition to the subject matter.   There was, of course, the fresh breeze in my mind that always happens when opening up new pathways for growth, but I hadn...
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At The Mercy of His Hands

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It’s been two fucking days, yet my cunt still weeps for Him as if His dripping fingers had only just stopped sinking into my hot, juicy, greedy, clenching hole.  Hasn't mattered where I have been or what I have been doing.  Work, writing, waiting too long for a damn bus that never arrived, nibbling at food, catching up with my Board, commuting through the city via my feet, trains, and cabs, I have just been...soaked for the last 48+ hours.   I was wet before my Uber had even crossed Whitestone from the Bronx in my cross-borough pilgrimage.  As the twinkle of Manhattan's skyline beckoned in the distance, my disorganized mind and unexpectedly chaotic nerves froze in recognition of that solitary truth my slick thighs spoke of.  My body was already reaching for Him—had already completely surrendered—despite the illogic, the lack of plans, the absence of sexy anticipatory promises.  My body knew something my mind didn't, a trend that has continued to intens...
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Laundry Service Revelations

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Shit. I folded his clothes. I’m not joking. I got within two feet of that soft warm heap of pants, shirts, tees, briefs, and socks, and my hands instinctively dove in like I’d done this for him a thousand times before.  Zero hesitation.  I paused briefly in shaking out a shirt to ask a quick question on preference and kept right on serving...In sheer fuckin bliss. SMH. Context...I haven’t folded a man’s clothes in over seven years. Hell, I don’t even fold my own clothes.  NYC's relationship with laundry is a bit different than most of this country's.  Between no in-apartment appliances and a sucky commute that eats an entire functional day a week, it’s NYC drop off service for me, please and thank you.  However, it's more than just practicalities responsible for the seven year hiatus, and there is a significance within my simple actions that I can’t ignore. Truth | I essentially have a long-established hard limit: Unless there is an emergency, urgent need, o...
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The Primal Bitch None of You Warned Me About

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*** Drafted 11.21.23 *** Fuuuuuuuck...why didn't ANY of you warn me? Like...REALLY??? How many times have we sat together through classes, discussions, panels, round tables?  Yet NOT ONE of you mother fuckers said a damn thing about how this shit really might go down. Grrrrrrr... You ALL suck and officially can no longer be trusted.   She's been a part of me for so long.  She's guided me.  She's empowered me.  She's protected me. I thought I understood her. I thought I knew her. I thought I could anticipate her. But...this??? Fuuuuck…This is new fuckin territory, one I don't have a damn clue how to navigate, and if I'm honest, a part of me DOESN'T want to navigate it.  I just want to lose myself again and again to it.  To her.  To Him.   ~GROAN~ She just slips in and... Takes. Fucking. OVER! Again...you fuckers NEVER discussed THIS shit. That I wouldn't be...COULDN'T be... Rational. Reasonable. Thoughtful. Considerate. IN FUCKIN ...
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ONYX Pearls NY-NE | Rededication

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Yesterday, ONYX Pearls NY-NE celebrated our 7th Anniversary, and I recognized four years since crossing into Leather.  It was a beautiful afternoon of celebrating our kaleidoscope of personalities and the connections we have forged through joy, laughter, tears, fire, personal growth, and leather during our journey.   As a key part of our ceremony, we collectively rededicated ourselves to The Chapter by retaking our oath and were asked to share of few thoughts about our individual experiences and most importantly our Why.  The below reflects the words I shared yesterday with my sisters and siblings.   However, I would be remiss in this more personal reflection if I did not call out two Sisters who have quite frankly altered the course of my life.  From the moment I met each of these amazing women, I was drawn to them.  Their energy instinctually spoke to me, and we have since woven bonds of Sisterhood that reach deep into my body, mind, heart and s...
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To Own Me | An Answer to My Critics

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I'm too independent... I'm too intense... I'm too deep... To be on the right side of the slash? No problem.  Because I'm not – nor will I ever be – your fucking problem. I fully acknowledge that I am all the things my many critics have accused me of, and I apologize for none of it.  I can be nothing but my authentic self, and I refuse to restrain myself or be less, so others can be more comfortable with who I am or how I identify.  Fuck you for thinking I should.   I am a V12. The Man who chooses to Own me will be able to...        Race the shadows of the night.      Hug the curves life throws us like we're on rails.      Rocket us in any the direction He seeks. I am a Lioness. The Man who dares to Own me will have...      A fierce protector at His side.      An apex predator to hunt the world with Him.      A primal beast under Him to sate His wickedest desires. ...
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Lose Control

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Music has always fed my soul, but I'm embarrassed to admit how much I've lost touch with it.  The last six months, I've purposely opened myself up again to cultivate its unique love, passion, and joy in my life.  Often it's those closest to me who lead me to tracks that speak so deeply to me.  This one?  Compliments of my sister, Bastet. ~sigh~ From the first line, it gripped me by the throat and said, "Bitch, listen."  The storytelling of a passion without logic or reason that strips any scrap of pride from the soul...left me hypnotized, lost in a memory I can still barely wrap my mind around.   Only one Man has ever inspired in me this kind of soul-tumbling, pride-bruising complete loss of control.  He's the first to ever bring my lioness fully to the surface under Him, scattering all my logic, all my intentions, all my slick little cute moves...leaving only a primal hungry reasonless beast growling in a heat and lust so complete I couldn't r...
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Stripping Off the Bullshit

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The last six months I've been in the process of intentional purging—shedding the physical, mental, and emotional layers that no longer serve me.  I've done this before at other key points in my life.  This urge often precedes a time of major transformation in my life, each of which has always brought me closer in alignment to my truth and the fulfillment of my needs and desires.   In many ways, I'm a minimalist with a simple life that holds many complicated...nuances.  After half a dozen cycles of metamorphosis in my years, what I leave behind now holds little to no emotional, mental, or physical value to me.  This round of stripping off the bullshit feels incredibly easy, natural, right.  Wholehearted relief.  I'm cleansing myself of unnecessary weight, so that I can adapt to the future that is coming for me.    Then comes the acknowledgement of what remains.  Previously, I've had to face ugly truths and heal deep wounds that were ...
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Reflection & a New Path

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SPLF 23 represented a abrupt shift in my journey.  I wasn't prepared to be seen, to be acknowledged in the sea of humanity, to be wrapped in tight hugs. let alone be fiercely protected and held firmly side-by-side.  I was both deeply humbled and profoundly honored.  Many times. Those five days in Dallas moved me and pushed me on another new path of transformation. After years of pandemic coping that focused only on areas in my life I could evolve, I remembered I had a heart. And...After years of watching how individuals moved/did not move, stood/did not stand, built/attempted to destroy, were 100% authentic/fakers of funk, driven by idealistic goals/greedy self-promotion, I realized I needed fucking space to breathe. Since the Spring, I've been reevaluating how I move, what I give, when I should engage, where I need to be, and who I directly or indirectly offer my co-signature.  I've taken many healthy steps to create a more positive environment for myself and connec...
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