Posts

Showing posts from October, 2021

In Tatters

-
I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
Post a Comment
Read more

System Check After Reboot

-
Many of us in NYC are going through some sort of personal pandemic recovery, trying to rebalance, reassess, restart in this new version of normal.  The early days of COVID - when the city that never sleeps crashed into a coma even as endless sirens screamed through the streets - still echo in our heads like a long ago nightmare yet feel like yesterday.  Despite occasional office visits to near empty skyscrapers or surreal dinners with friends amid the landscape of "For Lease" retail space, we haven't quite figured out where the fuck we are now.  There are high-end stores missing, mom and pop shops missing, restaurants missing, delis missing, dive bars missing, diners missing, energy missing, and people.  Fuck.  The people...the tourists, the faces we used see at lunch, our neighbors, our co-workers, our friends and family...who aren't fucking there anymore.  Their faces, voices, and presence are an ache that doesn't fade.  We've gone through a hard reboot afte
Post a Comment
Read more

Silver Linings

-
Despite my struggles to find my footing in this start of a new normal, I hold tremendous gratitude in my heart and being for the many, many silver linings I found in the Cat 5 Hurricane that was the pandemic. My parents and adult kids have remained safe and long-term healthy to date.   I stayed safe, mostly sane, and relatively healthy aside from a few stress-induced pounds and lack of exercise. Employment...so incredibly grateful that I was immediately able to shift to remote work. Zoom...though like most...I am sick of fuckin zoom! LOL  However, I am eternally grateful for this platform's massive contribution to society during the gravest of times.   Being able to see family and my dearest friends on the regular kept me grounded and productive. My core friendships deepened exponentially.  Without the distraction of long commutes, wait staff and food, a secondary aspect of entertainment whether it was a class, a movie, shopping, an exhibit, a jazz performance...we had time and foc
Post a Comment
Read more

A Flat Football & Adrift in a Sea of Bandaids

-
Image
After so many of the things, I've spent September settling back in and restarting my world.  Yet as I review various options for Lifestyle classes, events, reconnecting, somehow everything feels bland and uninspiring.  My heart and soul feel utterly disconnected from the Lifestyle.  I am...adrift. I've been blessed in many ways the last nearly two years.  I didn't have it as hard as so many.  I'm not depressed.  I wake up refreshed.  I'm productive.  My emotions are in check.  Minimal anxiety as I've slowly over time re-acclimated to being out in the world with people.  In fact, I can list many personal silver linings that I've found despite this seemingly unending Cat 5 Hurricane of a Pandemic. So I ask myself what the fuck?  One of my biggest passions now feels empty and stale and no longer magical. ~sigh~  To use an analogy...the game ball is flat, so I can barely find the motivation to go to the field to practice or play.  Who wants to toss a football wh
Post a Comment
Read more