Fire & Ice

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Showing posts with the label The Mental & Emotional

In Tatters

- April 15, 2024

I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply

HARD LIMIT | I am NOT Y/your Shame

- March 17, 2022

I've churned off and on with this post for years as the issue has cropped up numerous times since I entered the lifestyle a dozen years ago. It's a topic I rarely see tackled. To be upfront, I'd love any additional insights, perspective, shared experiences, and potential solutions here... We talk a lot about consent in this community. Those clear negotiations before play or a relationship to established each partner's boundaries, limits, desires, and needs work out great when you're talking about overt actions/inactions. "I love flogging. I'm open to knife play, but needles are a hard limit for me." Easy-peasy...but what about the messy, unconscious, emotional garbage most carry around? How often are we intentionally negotiating those landmines upfront? The few instances I've heard discussed tend to be either in the context of M/s or Owner/property User Manuals or Pro-Domme negotiations, a small portion of the community. ~record scratch

Kat 501 – What I Can Give | Updated

- April 21, 2020

I am an insatiable Lover in your life. If You can pique my interests and challenge me. I could be the strong Woman by Your side. If You are a strong, beautiful Man and make the effort to see all I am. I could be Your sweet, wicked Domina on Your arm. If You are a Sir that deserves and respects a classy lady. I could the alfred of Your dreams. If You are a Superhero of Integrity and have Goals I can believe in. I would be Your vicious Warrior ever at Your back. If You prove worthy of my sincerest respect. I could be Your ever-hungry Masochist crumpled at Your feet. If Your greedy Sadist deliciously feasts on my pain and fucks my mind. I would be Your committed, monogamous Partner in life. If You are honest, careful, considerate, and love true. I could be your wild primal prey in your sights. If You are a Dark Beast who can shelve His ego and dance with my defiance. I would be Your nasty, fucking Whore in Your arms. If You stroke my hedonistic twisted desires and che

I Miss YOU

- April 03, 2020

To my Community Friends & Family...I miss you! I know I'm connecting with many of you numerous ways electronically, but I fucking MISS sharing space with YOU. I miss your warm hugs. I miss the smell of you. I miss the solid-ness of you. I miss watching you interact with those you love most. I miss that subtle look you'd send my way of "WTF?" at something someone else may have said. I miss your head leaning on my shoulder or (depending on height) my head on yours. I miss putting my hand on your arm, thigh, or chest as I laughed in joy at our conversation. I miss that side-eye glance followed by..."stop talking...I need a minute to think of all you just envisioned." I miss sitting next to you on shitty chairs in a cramped room all for the purpose of simply sharing knowledge and energy. I miss the friction of our bodies rubbing against one another as we moved through a crowded munch. I miss the shared excitement and heat as we played together i

My Inherent Search for Power Exchange

- March 24, 2020

I'm not going to bullshit. The desire right now to be well and truly Owned by an M-type who is stronger, smarter, more capable than me is visceral. Don't get me wrong. It isn't overwhelming or crippling. I continue to stand fucking STRONG in the face of this tsunami that has flooded NYC. I am blessedly still working, and as soon as my day is done I start the work/effort of supporting the community I love so much however I can. Of course throughout the day I also handle a myriad of tasks. I stay informed as much as I can on the status of all the things by catching Cuomo's press conference, scrolling the news feeds, and reading the emergency notifications. I dash out every few days for a super quick trip to the store to replenish essentials and to stretch my legs so used to eating up two miles of the concrete jungle a day. Most of all, I virtually connect with friends and family in an endless warm loop of love, concern, compassion, and support. I eat. I exe

My Failure to Embrace Basic M/s Tradition | The Rebellious Non-Petitioning slave/property

- March 01, 2020

The Tradition that a slave/property/s-type should/must formally petition any potential Master to be His slave is like a shard of glass in my Leather boot. No matter how many ways I look at it...the concept rips to shreds the fundamental foundation of imbalance that M/s dynamics demand. There...I've said it. Written it. In fucking bold font, thank you very much. I've held back making public my very non-traditional view for over three years. I had hoped in vain that at some point I would read, hear, SEE the wisdom and logic behind an s-initiated approach to beginning an M/s relationship. Despite numerous books, classes, and discussions, I've yet to find an answer. In fact the more I learn, the firmer my rejection of the "s-types should petition to serve" Tradition becomes. My issue boils down to one very clear point. If the slave/property-type is the one who has to research an M-type to discover if there might be a good fit and then petition the M wit

2020 Reading List v1

- January 01, 2020

A lioness' hunger takes many forms. Her mind needs to be fed often, well, and deeply. A sated intellect is key to her tranquility and satisfaction. ( Also s ee Bitch, Can You Just Get in a Damn Box?!? ) Suggestions/recommendations always appreciated. Of course NYC's D/s Book Club will no doubt help feed my Lioness. ~DominaKat ~~~Finish the Following~~~ Master/slave Mastery - Update Handbook of Concepts, Approaches, and Practices by Robert J. Rubel Ph. D. Sacred Power: Holy Surrender Edited by Raven Kaldera Dear Raven and Joshua: Questions and Answers by Raven Kaldera and Joshua Tenpenny Ties That Bind by Guy Baldwin M.S. The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy ~~~New~~~ Real Service by Raven Kaldara & Joshua Tenpenny Warrior Goddess Training by Heatherash Amara The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison Tears We Cannot Stop by Michael Eric Dyson Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vo

Is Control the Bane of Pleasure and Authenticity?

- July 28, 2019

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June/Pride Event Drop is a THING!

- July 08, 2019

It's the second week of July, and if you're dragging a bit or just a little down (ESPECIALLY you TES Fest attendees), you aren't alone. You're not crazy. July's event drop feeling is a THING! This is my third year actively in the local scene, and I've finally put it together. Even if you didn't do any of the HUGE events (Folsom Street East, the Balls/Special Parties/etc, Pride Parade, TES Fest) in the last five weeks or aren't LGBTQA, the month of June naturally just is amped up for Pride Month. Almost every class, meeting, group is at a minimum adds just a little bit more, and there were likely a ton of special events cramming your calendar to celebrate with friends. The very energy of NYC shifts! June is essentially kinky holiday month like December is in the vanilla world. There's more love in the streets, the subways, the billboards, the air!!! The city is literally painted with rainbows. It is truly beautiful and energizing. Now th

Why "Owner/property" Rather than "Master/slave"?

- July 05, 2019

A question came my way last month, "Why Owner/property? As opposed to Master/slave?" I struggled to answer beyond, "'Property' felt right. 'Slave" has never worked for me." I didn't add at the time that neither has "Master." (I was trying to be semi-well-behaved and not offend anyone.) I've always struggled to answer the 'property' vs 'slave' question, but I searched deeper on my train ride home and have continued to play with the puzzle pieces. Turns out, there was a lot to unpack and fit together. There are many implied nuances that apply to both "slave" and "property": belonging, protected, the follower of a leader, etc. All of those resonate deeply within me. Always have. However, FOR ME, "slave" felt inherently wrong, like a dress that fit poorly and whose fabric itched the moment it touched my skin. Despite my knowledge that I have been/could be utterly devoted to

Where is Your Energy Source? | Sado-centric, Maso-centric, Partner-centric, Self-Centric

- June 16, 2019

A couple years ago I attended an absolutely great class, Masco-curious? It was my third local kink event in the city, and it added MUCH to my personal thought arsenal on S&M. This small, casual, humble class led by two very different masochists opened about a half dozen doorways for me and was instrumental in putting me on the path that has led to my today. (I seriously can't thank them enough!) Despite doing lifestyle shit and being on Fet for the previous seven years, my "education" had truly been limited, based primarily on whatever my partners during that time were comfortable with or various anecdotal writings rather than a study of the craft. ~~~ IMPORTANT SIDEBAR ~~~ Yes! I said CRAFT! What we do is a CRAFT, and in order to MASTER the CRAFT of S&M you need to study, study, practice, practice, and do more of both almost infinitely! No...ya don't get good at this shit by buying equipment at the mainstream "spice up your sex life" store

Introducing: S&M.NYC

- February 02, 2019

Well...I've gone and done it, with some great help of course! ~HAT TIP~ I've been itching for the last year for more on S&M. By more, I mean beyond the usual basic demo class that pops up every once and a while. I've been hungry for meaty discussions about the in's, out's, approaches, tactics, thought process, etc. Living in your own bubble is NEVER good. We all need diverse thoughts and opinions to keep our minds engaged and kink creative, soooo... I've started an S&M Discussion Group in NYC. My goal: Create a safe, sane, fun space for S&M discussion. That's it. I am by no means an expert on ANY of this shit. I've got no ego in this. No political agenda. I just love to learn and grow and discuss WIITWD and wanted to give back a little to the community that's given me so much. If you're interested in S&M, please join me and BlackMusic (your meeting hosts) on the first Monday of every month for what we hope will be

/s property Work

- February 01, 2019

I've been pulling together updates for my profile over the last week or two to better reflect my priorities, goals, and desires with the new year. A great process that allowed me to reassess the many pieces of me. Yet, I kept bumping up against what will be one of my greatest challenges this year. While all my lovely thoughts regarding submission are a very accurate reflection of my personal beliefs and styles, the truth is that my /s/property/submissive headspace is out of breath and needs to regroup. I need time...time to resolve the conflict in my mind between the M/s ideals I believe in and the often disappointing reality of practice I've faced. Despite being a realistic idealist, 2018 left my submission a bit bruised. No...it's more than that. While I find blessed peace in M/s centric environments ( my church ), I'm currently distrustful of my own personal submission. Not good. Not good at all. I admire others' serenity and joy in service. I rem

The Second - Often Missed - Part to Unconditional Love

- January 14, 2019

I caught a post a few months ago that brought up Unconditional Love as it relates to various kinky dynamics. It was almost a side note to writer's bigger relationship challenge, but since reading the piece, I've gone back again again in my mind to the idea of Unconditional Love. What keeps nagging at me is the part everyone skipped over in their haste to debate if that kind of love even existed. Yes, I believe some people do experience Unconditional Love toward their partner. For better or worse, I've been one of them a time or two. Not everyone feels love that way, and that's okay. Love comes in many different forms, and while Unconditional Love is a beautiful thing, it can be exhausting and heartbreaking as well. However, there's an important second part to Unconditional Love that is often left unsaid, gone unseen, or flat out ignored. Unconditional Love does NOT equal Unconditional Relationship. Those are two extremely different things, and I'd a

Poly Question List: My Search for Answers & Understanding

- January 09, 2019

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That Old Relic - Honor

- December 11, 2018

In a world consumed by instant gratification, which is the new norm...no...the new God, sadly concepts such as Honor have become vague relics of the past, echoed only by ghosts and eulogies of heroes. Maybe this is where the hopeless romantic in me sticks out like a prickly cactus in a deep bed of used instant scratch off tickets, but Honor is still very much a part of my DNA. I don't brag or blow smoke up anyone's ass. Why? They'd find out soon enough that I was full of shit. How embarrassing would that be??? Plus I've never been able to find logic in lies and pompous nonsense. The first time MasterKwesi met one of my friends, he shook her hand and said, "Wow...she's amazing. She's one of the few people that says she's about x and then actually is x." I was a bit stunned for a moment that he was impressed by just basic honesty, but my Honorable genes run deeper. I do my best to Honor the agreements I make - even if I've made a mi

My Kinky Inequality

- December 09, 2018

There is no equality in my kink. Read that again. Notice the key words "MY kink." I'm not talking about my expectations for the community as a whole. I'm not talking about the big ol' world of Fet. I'm not talking about any munches, classes, play spaces, or events. I'm talking about MY own personal kinky shit here. In my corner of the sandbox aka my profile/my sex life/my relationships I get to set MY own damn boundaries without apology, and my consensual kink is very much all about some unequality. Don't look for fucking politically correctness here. It doesn't exist. I crave Male Dominance - a male Owner who enjoys the fuck out of Controlling me, Conquering me, making me his nasty whore. How un-fucking-feminist of me. I seek acts of Male violence on my Female flesh and mindfucks that would cause a nun to swoon. Not something vanilla #MeToo would embrace. I get hot and horny when my Male Owner objectifies me, uses me, degrades

The Beauty of Submission

- December 02, 2018

To feel vulnerable under the Weight of His Strength. To give freely when He Takes. To fight by His Side. To serve His Demands. Submission... To surrender beneath the Comfort of Competent Authority. To rely on Consistency and trust in Follow Through. To ache for His Approval. To obey His Instructions. Submission... To be wanted at His Feet. To bask in His Attention. To be used on my knees as He Sates His Pleasure. To anticipate and fulfill His Needs. Submission... To bloom and grow under His Nurturing. To work toward His goals. To follow His Direction. To believe in His Leadership. Submission... There is nothing in the world that makes more sense or is more beautiful to me than M/s. To simply witness it warms my soul and fends off the cold chill of winter. ~DominaKat

Embrace Failure to Thrive

- October 15, 2018

Damn near every community in the last year has had some sort of drama at their doorstep. Rightfully, we ALL NEED to understand consent backwards and forwards, protect each others' privacy, and be on guard for asshole abusers. Responsible kinksters go to classes, read up on best practices, spend long hours considering. All good things. We all should be thoughtful in our interactions with each other. If you're anything like me, the drama as well as all this thought and consideration has also created some anxiety. Most of us are intent on “doing things right” - not just as it relates to consent but in play. No D/Top-type wants to cause physical, mental, or emotional damage, and no s/bottom-type wants to be on the receiving end of damage. We all want to have a fabulous time every time we indulge in our kinky lifestyle. Guess what? That's unfucking realistic. And we NEED to talk about it. An impossible expectation of perfection in a scene/play currently exist

My Submission to The Universe

- October 07, 2018

I learned long ago not to fight the Omnipotent power of The Universe's will, especially this time of year. When She repeatedly sends the same message in a dozen different ways, it is a good idea to stop, listen, and accept the direction She has chosen. There is a lesson/challenge She has put in my path. In essence, I submit to Her. To defy Her is to get my ass kicked every damn time. So with Nina Simone and a lil Mary J. Blige accompanying me as I find my words... Universe...I hear you. I submit to Your will. Over the last several months, Male energy has dramatically receded from my inner perimeter in essentially all facets of my life. I've been unable to slow - let alone stop - the retreat. (I tried a bit at first not seeing the broader theme.) I know without a doubt the love and appreciation is still there in all cases. The distance I am experiencing is not a reflection of shifted feelings. Life has simply demanded their attention and efforts. In every in