I accepted that I was a masochist about seven ago. ~HUGE HAT TIP~ to my dear Chica for opening up the door to the S/m realm of kinkland for me. Our conversations and my experiences with her quickly piqued my curiousity, and it wasn't long before I came to understand... OhFuckYesTHISIsWhatIveBeenMissing! lol
In the first couple of years I quickly learned I loved pain and that my masochist extended beyond the physical to mental and to some extent emotional. In the right context, humiliation, degradation and objectification are sweet cream for my lioness. Unfortunately, my growth was stunted and hindered and v1.0 didn't have any opportunity to evolve for many years.
This year I've been attempting to make a concerted effort to move forward on this piece of my journey and have actually made ~some~ significant though slow progress toward understanding my masochist.
- Classes, discussion groups, more classes, and more roundtable and panel discussions have sooooo FED my masochist! Bless the NYC Kink Community with HUGE shout outs for TES and MaST and simply the volunteers and attendees that make up the rich, vibrant conversations and intellectual opportunities at local kink events.
- My Owner...He's pushed me harder than anyone to date both publically at dungeons and privately, and I've relished every single fucking minute of it.
- Play parties...there is a lot to be said for watching others play and meeting others into the same wicked shit you are. Whether for a moment or long, long minutes, the experiences of seeing others engage in their unique dynamic help me understand the flavor of S/m I am and narrow down the type of experiences I want in the future.
- My Sherpa...Clark may make me crazy at times, but often he pushes me to think through different perspectives, so I'm forced to not just see what's in me but to unwrap and dissect it.
I so love the path my dark journey has taken. I've found much, much, MUCH joy, laughter, friendship, and delight in the lifestyle in the last year than ever. However, it's not all about the external. There is a LOT in internal work and self-evaluation required to progress forward, and as with everything we do in kink, communication is a PRIMARY KEY.
I think better in words on a page, so I'm pulling together a dozen or so various discussions I've had over the last week as well as my own backlog of introspection. 1. My masochist is evolving rapidly and eagerly alongside many other facets of my kinky personality, and I want to document my thoughts and understanding at this point in time. 2. Some (like me) learn a bit from others' experiences. Maybe my ideas and concept of masochist will help someone else grow just a fraction.
Where do I want to go on my masochistic journey?
Pure and simple...discovery. My masochist is hungry but as with all that I do, I'm not careless. I want to explore what I like and don't like as well as push my limits all with trusted and established partner(s) in all facets within consensual and mostly pre-negotiated in-depth scenes. (Of course, Kwesi doesn't have to play within quite through frameworks. lol)
While there are many things I have already discovered that I enjoy, quite frankly there is a TON of shit (impact play and m/e masochism) I haven't yet truly experienced.
For the 101 Kinsters out there...this translates to long sessions of S/m play, which my Owner has shown me can last hours. Yes...HOURS! ~SIGH~ In my world S/m play isn't 10 minutes of foreplay before we fuck nor or is just rough sex or a smacking some ass.
Pain & Sex
My masochist is inherently tied to my sexuality. This was a 0.1 beta realization. 2.0~>Both do not HAVE to play together, but each seeks and teases the other naturally when either is engaged. However, my enjoyment of pain isn't necessarily sexual. Any sexual arousal or orgasm tends to be more of a byproduct of pain.
Yes, that I'll spell it out...I can cum from just pain alone. (1.0/discovery on the first flogging)
One of the most fascinating discoveries that I've made this year is that with Dominance, He can manipulate the ebb and flow of my sexuality and essentially toy with my experience in play. I'm literally a puppet on a string for Him. Fucking incredible.
Am I maso-centric or Sado-centric?
Within a D/s dynamic, I'm very heavily partner-centric. My masochist ~CAN~ be extremely Sado-centric with Kwesi when He's chosen to include a heavy D/s layer. However with 2.0, I've discovered that my masochist is not just a greedy bitch but can also very much be a selfish, self-centered bitch as well.
When it's time...Pain is my drug of choice, and I will eagerly await the next fucking hit of painful ecstasy. Even when Sado-centric, Pain fights for the throne of Dominance. The line quickly can become blurred.
All that said, I absolutely take on energy from those around me and who I will play with. Their pleasure, desire, excitement, thrill will help fuel me and my masochistic energy, headspace, pleasure, experience. Voice, a growl, the demand of their touch, the pace, their breath, how they grab/hold/hit, the way they move, the way they give instruction...it all FEEDS me. S/m play is a wicked intimate dance between two partners. How they can NOT be at least semi-partner centric and still have a successful scene is beyond my understanding at the moment.
One final thought here, and it's a HARD LIMIT for me: I will NOT have a serious in-depth scene unless the S actively WANTS and OWNS that he wants to play with me. I have no interest or desire to do anything half-assed and to feel for even a moment that I'm some obligation, chore, or task to complete would have severe immediate negative impacts. RED. RED. RED.
What is my masochist trying to achieve in play?
Of course, it depends on who is Topping me and the scene we're creating. I've never played with someone I wasn't significantly involved with, so I'm not certain what I'm even actually capable of outside of my primary partner.
More than anything I want to experience something new. Take another step in masochist journey and discover at least some small thing about myself. Repeating the same process again and again and again holds little interest for me.
Fuck yes, I'd love to get to maso-space (a completely different headspace for me than subspace), but it's not a requirement and depending on the scene may actually take away from the play. I'm also not sure who I can get to maso-space with or what type if any emotional dynamic I need to find that sweet spot.
Orgasm? Again...that can be fun, but not required. I'm also a very messy orgasmer, so playing in a public setting limits that to some extent.
~sigh~ Break me? Yes, I do very much want to experience some break me scenes. However, the very nature of those and the depths that I would like that kind of session to take will require a SIGNIFICANT level of trust and are likely not for public consumption. The combined physical, mental, and emotional weight needed to break me is not something I treat carelessly for either myself or my partner. I look forward to someday exploring the depths this kind of endgame may take.
Am I into Anticipation Play?
Time and experience has taught me again and again that most people talk waaaaaay too damn much, and their promises and teases rarely come to fruition. Yes, I enjoy talking about things beforehand, and when I KNOW He MEANS it...I'll get turned on and my sexuality will stay toward the surface to keep me on edge. But for the most part...I can't FEAR or even get that overly excited about any anticipated S/m play. Maybe that will come as I gain more experience or build that level of Talk~>Action trust, but right now...my life experiences have taught me wait and see and enjoy things IF and WHEN they actually happen.
How does Pain affect me?
Are the first 10 minutes hell? Yes and no. Those first strikes are almost electrifying...cleansing. My mind short circuits. With the first strike the world skitters to a stop like a vicious vinyl record scratch. Him and that sweet explosion of pain have my full undivided attention. My mind trembles there in anticipation...in question...in consideration. “Oh...is this what we’re about to do?” my mind asks.
The second strike nudges me to the rim of that dark wicked abyss, where what and who I am in play will drown out the world. Everything in me shifts toward, away from everything else in my life, away everything else that I am...except a willing canvas to the pain.
The third...pushes me over the edge and my internal surrender begins...to Him yes...but to the the sweet vicious pain and the greedy hungry monster I become.
Nirvana: masochist-space vs subspace
Masochist-space is nothing at all like subspace for me, and neither are filled with rainbows, unicorns, and fucking glitter. I ain't nor have I ever been that type of girl. Subspace takes me down into my soul to a peace and silence. There...I can hear my soul breathe. Masochistic-space is like taking flight. I become a kite on a string for Him and fly higher and higher as He demands. If I'm lucky...nirvana. The pain becomes distant...almost unfelt and pure dark joy erupts from soul. I may laugh deeply and with abandoned and become damn near unsaitable. How long that lasts is entirely based on the various elements at play, but the proceeding high is fucking delicious. No...I should not be operating any kind of motor vehicle. lol
Aftercare
To date...minimal. Water immediately following. ~shrug~ Maybe I'm too damn independent or have simply only engaged in BDSM partners who couldn't stay for any kind of aftercare beyond a few hours. I don't need a damn blanket or a fucking stuffed animal. I don't need soothed and cuddled. I want to enjoy the high, dammit! lol Ideally a few marathon rounds of sex would be fantastic, but I'm not trying to kill a Man. Hehehe
Everyone's masochist is different...the whole snowflake thing. It also evolves with experiences (both good and bad). But here...today...now...this is my snowflake's current pattern and sparkle. Let me know if maybe I missed something that I should add to my internal thought grinder. I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences too!
~DominaKat
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