Of Pain & Punishment

My mind is full.  Over the course of the next 48 hours there will likely be a myriad of posts.  Call it intellectual purging.  This month has been insanely packed not just with holidays but also significant family events and travel, as well as emotionally taut incidences.  I simply haven't had the bandwidth, the energy, or the willpower to sort through the tangled ball of yarn that have been my thoughts.  I crashed hard and deep for about three days this week and once again most of today.  To any I may have inadvertently been slow to respond to bare with me.  It's not you...it's simply I needed to recover as well as sort through and release my thoughts so that I once again have mental and emotional space for more.



He punished me.

I had no warning.  I had no preparation.

I could and did and do argue miscommunication at a certain level.  However, despite all that, I can't lie.  My actions were deliberate.  I knew that at the time.  Why I did/didn't do those things is a separate issue, mutually agreed upon, and being resolved through completely different measures. My disobedience was another matter entirely.

It's rare that I actually deserve to be punished.  I tend to be a very conscientious and proactive submissive.  It's not often I fuck up, but when I do, I will own my shit.  It took me a minute to understand what was happening.  He's so damn smooth like that.

Once I was bare assed and bent over, He dropped His guard and showed me His displeasure.  He didn't raise His voice, but I heard His anger and frustration with me in the subtle change of pace and tone.  I held as still as I could and listened to the words He'd waited to say in person between the whippy stingy unfun flogger strikes.

When I finally began to grasp the truth He was laying in front of me that I hadn't seen or felt or realized...I understood and accepted that His punishment was valid.

He commented that I was shifting away from the pain even though I enjoy pain so much.  Punishment pain is a very different headspace, and headspace defines everything for most masochists.  Since He leads our play, He defines the boundaries of my headspace in our moments.  Punishment - even the most restrained - doesn't allow the pain to transition into that sweet fiery sexy energy.  Instead the pain remains cold and hard.  Every bite of the little flogger stung, amplifying His precise points and His warnings.

It was the shortest discussion of my errors that I've ever had.  My past includes some very ugly cruel emotional shit for my supposed transgressions and failures...from four hour long raging monologues to endless days/weeks/months of neglect.  This momentary intervention...was something I'd never experienced in my life with a partner.  The entire process couldn't have been more than ten minutes, yet on reflection I learned so much.  About Him...myself...Us.

I didn't understand until well after, but...I needed His punishment.

I needed to know my actions or rather lack of actions mattered to Him.
I needed to know I...this...the / between us...the stuff that others don't see...it ALL mattered to Him.
I needed to know, see, feel that we are deeper than just the thrills and sexy fun to Him.
I needed to know, see, hear, feel His control, His Dominance, and genuine authentic feedback even when it wasn't positive.
I needed to know, see, feel that even when I'm a bit of a bitch He'll reign me in, guide me to my place, and not cause irreparable damage like so many others.
I needed to know, see, feel that I could trust Him with my submission...that He values it very much...even though He refuses to leash me and demands that I fly and explore and experience.

I've learned my lessons...many more than I expected.

I apologized long ago, but I'm honestly more emotional now days/weeks(?) later after tugging on the various threads in my head and finally weaving them together in words than I was during my punishment.  Like many aspects of us, the truth is deeper than what is apparent on the surface.  Sometimes I lose sight of that when the noise gets too loud or when the silence becomes too much.
~DominaKat

P.S. For any Domly Dom/Uber Master of Five Slaves (aka unemployed and lazy) thinking of posting about some topping from the bottom bullshit...fuck the fuck off with that fantasy narcissistic douchery in your head.  I'm neither that manipulative nor disrespectful.  I'm human, straightforward, and authentic.  Go perv some T&A and keep your nonsense to yourself.