In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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The Magical Course of Conversation Before Play

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I needed this...Midori's Create Amazing Scenes: Get into their Heads

Needed. Needed.  NEEDED.

I learned much, but I was fucking reminded more.

I.
Need.
the
fucking
CONVERSATION.

Impossibly somehow I'd lost that.  I'd lost the dialog.  The banter.  The teasing.  The flirting.  The mental exploration of possibilities.  The opening of the door to the mindfuck.

All of it.  Was just. Gone.  ~sigh~  I'd lost all the exquisite communication beforehand that lays the groundwork for all the magic that we do with each other.

It isn't any single person's fault or influence.  Over the last seven years...between busy schedules, misinterpretation of others' lines, miscommunications, others' waning efforts and crumbling mirages, my struggle to find others truly willing to lead...Between all of that I've simply continued to get quieter and quieter and quieter.  Why waste time talking if no one is actually listening?  If no one truly intends to try and make magic happen?  My writings...too often an occasional substitute for conversations no longer had.  As I've explained to my sherpa...intellectual begging.  ~sigh~

Midori advised that leading the conversation does not mean leading the scene.  I struggle DEEPLY with this.  My experience has shown me again and again that leading the conversation eventually evolves to leading...everything.  A D-ish partner's unwillingness to lead the conversation is like a warning flag of a lack of motivation, lack of curiosity, lack of intellectual drive, lack of...vision.

If someone doesn't seek to know my mind and soul, how can they ever imagine they would lead me? Leading my body only? Yeah, that can be fun for a moment, but that will definitely not evolve into a 24/7 D/s dynamic.  That's merely a kinky fuck.

I NEED the conversation.  Without it, I'm a fraction of my possibility.  My MIND won't be DEEP in all that twisted sexy sin.  I can jump in the deep end, and yeah, I'll swim, but I'll spend entirely too much time and effort catching up emotionally and mentally to the physical that the moment/effort/interaction won't be everything it could have been if we'd just had the conversation and aligned first.

Otherwise...I'm cold.  In neutral.  Unsure of what is or isn't going to be a part of our scene.  Trying to understand what pieces of me are most desired, what tone would be most appreciated.  Don't get me wrong...I have NO problem following, but I can follow a hell of a lot better when I have an idea what direction we'd like to go and what to pack for our trip.

The conversation doesn't even need to be that long, but fuck...I want to enjoy, anticipate, and match my mood/tone to my partner's.  I need the conversational foreplay, so my mind can get hot, wet, and hungry for it all and amp up the physical cravings of my beast.

Midori reminded me of all that and gave me a bunch of ideas on how to make the conversation more productive and fun.  Now I just need to practice.

I need to have the conversations again.
~DominaKat

~~~Abbreviated Class Notes~~~
  • Answering "Anything." is shirking your responsibility.
  • Toys are fun but irrelevant when you have your mind.
  • Do NOT assume a static nature of desire.  Sexual appetites change just like moods.
  • Conversation is...collaborative. 
  • Corrals the thought squirrels.
  • Conversation is NOT consenting to play.
  • My struggle continues.
  • Meh is contagious.
  • Point of Kink: To achieve an emotional state.
  • If scene is going well, neither D nor s or S nor m should be calm or rational.
  • Play is not always a clean equation. There's not always parity. 
  • Superpartners shorten up the conversation.

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