I currently have no dog in any of the past or current fights. I stand on the sidelines and observe, listen, process, and learn both as a bottom and a Top roles. A few people I've discussed things with seeking...input. I admittedly am not always on point with politically correct messaging. I don't always see eye to eye with the masses. Truly...I suck at following the crowd and struggle in allowing myself to get swept away in mob mentality even when it may be a good thing. Logic and reason are two of my favorite vices.
I've spent days/weeks jotting down thoughts and notes. To date these are my observations, lessons, and questions that I'm pondering...
WORDS REALLY FUCKING MATTER Say what needs to be said. Tell friends. Talk to people. Ask questions. Maybe I don't know someone's dynamic, but absolutely NO ONE can or will fault me for saying even from the sidelines..."I'm not comfortable with him/her/how they play. It seems dangerous and/or unhealthy." When warning bells go off in my head even though nothing is blatantly an ethical violation, that kind of subjective language is not an accusation, but it DOES help alert and warn others if they have seen or may see something next time. SILENCE is dangerous.
TRUST MY INSTINCTSMy instincts - both good and bad - about people, situations, and events tend to be on target. My biggest mistakes in life were when I chose to ignore my inner warning bells and "go see" anyway. While a few of those "go see"s in my distant past did put me in danger, I've been lucky enough that I've never suffered major physical harm. With those experiences and at my age, I do my damn best to listen withOUT hesitation to my gut, especially now that I'm active in the local kink scene. So far those instincts have panned out, and I've had great experiences whenever I've socialized, learned, explored, and at times even played.
I won't bullshit though. There have been a few folks this year that I've either met or been near that have caused my instincts to go off like WWII air raid sirens. I didn't nor will I ignore those inner alarms. I don't give a fuck who they are in the community or how promising the potential play might seem from a distance. If my instincts scream, "Get the fuck away!" I do just THAT. Nothing consensual will ever evolve between us. I rarely know at the time why my inner alarms go crazy. The why no longer matters to me. I simply LISTEN.
I met a guy (prominent in the scene) a couple months ago, and my response was so visceral that the second our hands touched I wanted to puke on his shoes. For the rest of the evening any glance in his direction made my skin crawl, but I needed to keep him in my sights like I do the rare rat spotted on an NYC subway platform. I wanted to know where he was at all times, so I could keep a safe distance.
When I mentioned my response to another kinkster a few days later, I was naturally asked to justify my feelings. I admitted that I have absolutely NOTHING to back it up, and I stated without shame my stance that caution is absolutely a better alternative than recklessness. The kinkster replied with the equally natural..."Your Kink is Not His Kink" message - a very VALID response, which told me that so far my friend wasn't aware of any issues. However, that very VALID response, did NOT change MY stance. Holding on to the "Words Matter" premise, some might say "YKINMK" language feels dismissive of my concern. Here's the thing I can NOT take them as such. Yes, we all have different shit we do in different ways, but MY first and most fundamental responsibility is to protect myself. (More on that later....) However, my words to him if he hears anything negative in the future WILL MATTER. Every word builds upon the previously heard statements.
During a roundtable I had a similar experience. The guy's peripheral vibe when he walked in gave immediately warning bells. Nothing obvious. Nothing blatant. Eventually in the course of the group discussion, he unsurprisingly to me proved to be a subtle douche. However, what impressed me the most was when the submissive he'd spoken to creepily said point blank something to the effect of..."Don't say that kind of shit to me. I'm not comfortable with that." <~Brav-fucking-O! Again...WORDS MATTER.
Truth...my instincts could be wrong. Over time I could very well discover that creep-O isn't such a creep afterall. In the meantime, even if I miss out on an experience with someone, that doesn't mean I can't make my own similar or even better experience with someone else if not in the same time frame then...eventually.
I AM MY OWN FIRST DEFENSEI am frankly a bit in stunned at how many play with strangers. I don't play casually. End of story. Unless at the will AND under the protection of my D, I don't nor have I ever considered playing with someone I haven't vetted on some level, had extensive conversations with, and/or seen in action numerous times. Call me uncool if you want. Accuse me of being a boring party guest if you need. I don't give a fuck.
No...this is NOT victim blaming. What I advocate actively for in every single inequity setting is empowerment in basic fucking caution. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! I am my FIRST defense against violence, assault, bad-shit happening.
I do NOT ride a subway through the hood alone at 3 am in a short dress with a plunging neckline in heels I can't run in. This caution isn't blaming any previous or future victims nor is it allowing criminals to have power. It's me doing what I can to AVOID being anyone's victim. No one has the right to assault you, but fuck if I want to go through the painful aftermath of assault simply because of ideology. I have no interest in putting myself in the line of fire because I should be allowed to not be shot. WTFF sense does that make.
In the kink community that holds true as well. Don't play with strangers. Subfrenzy? Really??? Get the fuck out of here...I refuse to let that be normalized within my circle. If you're horny do you go to a bar and fuck the first man who says hello? Why should I possibly believe it's okay to condone any dangerous behavior just because a sub/masochist friend of mine is in need of Dominance or pain or is simply overexcited? No. No. Noooooo.
What we do even on a good day with TRUSTED partners is RISKY. I will not trust someone I don't know to swing any damn object at my body without some level of vetting, extensive conversation, demonstration of sanity, and basic warm up. REALLY. I also have no interest in Topping someone willing to be that reckless.
Sidenote: I'm also naively shocked at how many people play drunk or high on hard drugs. In case you don't know me...that is an absolute HARD LIMIT.
Do All Tops Inevitably End in Disgrace?Broad statement, but I do wonder...
We all make mistakes when learning something new. In this climate...will honest mistakes also bring Tops/D-types down who are NOT monsters? Will reputations be trashed the moment someone's humanity shows through from a simple bit of miscommunication? Will the kinky mental and emotional cruelty many of us love to play with someday be used as proof of my poor behavior?
When I Top I embrace public play as a form of protection. I WANT witnesses, I WANT the safety in numbers, I WANT to avoid being a victim of a man who has false pretenses (meeting as a bottom in private for impact play when but he really expect sex from me which is not what I'm after).
But do even I even want to ATTEMPT to Top ANYONE in ANY setting under these current conditions? Will any mistakes I make today as I am just getting started come back to haunt me five, ten, fifteen years later? ~sigh~ I don't know. But I intend to be more cautious than ever in who I play with.
Are we in any way fueling the popularity of victimhood? Before the social justice warriors skewer me, please PLEASE bear with me...I absolutely believe victims should be heard. However, I have personally witnessed cruel and abusive monsters (men and women) use false victimhood as a weapon of destruction against even the most innocent (children.) I have first hand witnessed men and women become addicted to victimhood and use it as a crutch to avoid accepting any responsibility for anything - personal, profession, etc. It's a terrifying psychological thing...the attention/reward becomes addicting, a validation of the person's identity, and they do not stop. Every win pushes them further. Gone Girl is REAL...maybe not to that level of drama, but I've seen countless women and even men fake their victimization in order to cost others their jobs, freedom, friends, family or to secure attention, money, punishment. It terrifies me that efforts to root out abusive assholes might somehow empower other deceitful monsters.
Off with Their Head is NOT an OptionSome may argue that a revolution needs to happen. Folks...a side effect of revolution is typically mass destruction.
The reality is...yes, changes need to happen in the community to better handle those who do not follow ethical kink practices. However...
- Not every person accused is unredeemable
- We will NEVER cure douchebaggery
- Enablers of douchebags (even if they are only temporary) are also part of the problem.
No matter what we do, there will always be a few assholians in the crowd that are thorns in the community. When one situation is handled, another will eventually rise to the surface. This isn't a reflection of community standards and practices, it is simply a reflection of HUMANITY, and humanity is FLAWED.
Fixing the problem...there is a lot of nasty shit you can NOT undo. Those are the kinds of things that require calm, cool, deliberate, and extensive thought before ACTION rather than simply the roar of the mob and its emotional crescendo of a bloodthirsty demand for someone's head/anyone who doesn't publicly agree completely/wholeheartedly/fast enough. You can NOT undo the destruction of someone's life nor the destruction of a community. History has shown that time and time again.
I'm not willing to let an angry, frustrated mob recklessly broaden it's sights to destroy everything or nearly all that's been built in order to rebuild from scratch some fantasy utopia that will never be found (again...because HUMANITY is flawed.) Come on...do not let the pendulum swing too far to the extreme. It won't help anyone. It won't help us. It eventually just creates a different kind of victim. With that in mind, I'm not immediately boycotting and openly condemning every single community event if those organizations don't blindly respond publicly on Fet in 2.5 days to various Fet accusations, especially when a majority of shit happens over holidays. I hope others take this more thoughtful stance and that we all take a deep cleansing breath.
True change happens over time and through deliberate collective thoughtful action. If we focus on coming together in a search for peaceful transformative answers rather than bitterness, anger, pain, and fear...I believe we'll get much closer to our goals for our community a lot faster. I recognize that is easier said than done.
AVOID PARANOIAWhile I must be cautious, I don't need to be paranoid. I KNOW there is creepy and questionable and predators and abusers that I need avoid EVERYWHERE. The lifestyle and the individual local scenes are only a microcosm of the bigger, broader vanilla world. Just because every day seems to bring another report of consent violations somewhere, does NOT mean it's happening at every event, with every person/couple, that every guy is a monster, or that in every case every victim is blameless.
Cultural truth is rarely in the extremes, and I refuse to believe that we're in some sort of horrific consent emergency. I've seen too many great great conscientious thoughtful kinksters out there to believe we are somehow outnumbered by the douchebags.
If I'm waaaay off base, feel free to intervene intelligently and show me my error or just viciously attack...I expect that as well. I know I am likely putting myself out there to get shunned or condemned for some of the above. But you know what...fuck it. If writing these words is all it takes, let's get the shit show over with now so none of us have to waste any time or energy in 2018. I refuse to be silent to keep other people comfortable, and as I said in the beginning of this post, I'm not nor have I ever been a good follower of the masses.
No matter what happens, everything I've seen firsthand last year showed me one truth...
While there are people I definitely need to avoid...no one is running around grabbing women by their pussies as part of intros at any local kink event I've been to.
Be safe. Be kind. Be thoughtful.
~DominaKat
Comments
Post a Comment