In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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His to Take

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Fuck me, He makes me soft, and as time goes on it just gets worse.  However, don't doubt!  My lioness still very much has her claws, but at the sight or sound of Him, they are sheathed as I rollover to show Him my belly and simply start to purrrrrrrrrrrr.

I hadn't realized this...evolution to us or myself until the last two weeks.  Flu cancelled plans day after day.  There was no anger or drama.  Just worry, concern, and an...emptiness where He exists in my life.  He'd call or text me a picture or, and the sun would burst suddenly from behind cloudy grey skies and warm my soul.  If He made that little growl/hum sound because of something I'd say, it was like a damn rainbow lit up the sky too.  ~sigh~  I damn sure hadn't planned to allow this kind of vulnerability in my life again.

I was short-sighted.  Funny how in my search for a D/s dynamic, I hadn't factored in the inevitability of that soft spot and chink in my armor that happens as two people build trust and share experiences through a power exchange.  It had been a long time since I'd allowed myself to love with the hope of it being returned.  I even did my best to temper the deeper emotional energies in me, focusing my attention instead on the poly boundaries, the development of our Owner/property framework, and our HolyShitWhatTheFuckingFuckWasTHAT?!? amazing play/kink/sex.

Somewhere during all those challenges, details, and yummy sessions of fun, my heart broke off its leash and made its own journey toward Him.  His tenacity helped my heart realize He wasn't going to run.  His thoughtful, considerate efforts showed me that even when tensions were high He wouldn't lash out at me or use neglect as weapon of emotional punishment.  His continual effort to take even the smallest steps toward me and my needs demonstrated He wasn't just seeking easy thrills.  Now my heart is at His feet.  Maybe not yet completely exposed and at His mercy, but it's there.  His to take.

I'm not 100% comfortable with this state, but as I discussed with my Sherpa today...emotions are what they are.  Even if I'm nervous and maybe uncertain how everything will work, He's earned my vulnerability and my trust slowly over time in a way no one ever has.  Now, I have to trust that my heart knows what it's doing and to let myself be in love with this wonderful Man.

So here's to sunshine, rainbows, and purring.  May they continue for a long, long time.
~DominaKat

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