I had to suffer through some brutal, long-term lessons before I fully comprehended what I now consider the Number One rule in submission (after the overarching fundamentals of trust, respect, honor, etc. that apply to both the D and the s.)
I can ONLY give as much as He will TAKE.
I wish someone had explained that to me at the beginning of my journey. Though, I'm not sure it would have made a difference. I can't tell you how many have verbally proclaimed on countless occasions that they valued and wanted everything I had to give only to prove the exact opposite in action. Whether due to misaligned/misaligned expectations or outright mirages and lies, it didn't matter how many ways I submitted or how well I submitted, I eventually had no choice but to face being... untaken... unwanted... unneeded.
Over time, my emotional wounds and physical frustration became devastating. Imagine a torrential wall of hot lava (submission) fueled by a mountain of thunderous eruptions (promises) roaring down a mountainside (relationship) seeking its destiny - to fly off a steep exciting cliff (play/ interaction/ instruction/etc) and finally find the blessed relief of the warm soothing ocean tide (Dominance).
I rarely got to that cliff let alone that blessed relief.
Instead my hot lava of submission usually found an impenetrable harsh dam a mile tall and endlessly long at the bottom of the mountain. The molten heat of my submission crashed over and over against that fucking hated impenetrable wall...pooling again and again on top of its fiery self hopelessly searching for a way to that transcendent cliff and ocean of freedom.
It took years for me to cool and harden and somehow stop seeking the calming comfort of the tide. Eventually my volcano (submissive side) simply became inactive. No D/s. No energy exchanged. Nothing.
I learned my lesson well. I gave too much. It was unwanted. It fucking sucked. At times I doubted my worth and my choices, but I never doubted my Truth. Eventually I escaped those entanglements and the corresponding self-doubt and sought again my Truth, my worth, and better choices.
I do my best not to repeat my mistakes. (If I'm gonna fuck up, I prefer to fuck up in completely different ways. It keeps things interesting at the very least while I simultaneously reach for different more positive and productive outcomes.)
Now...despite my 24/7 O/p dynamic and that I do and have found that cliff and the beautiful relief of His Dominance, I do not give Him my submission unless it is clear He
consents and enthusiastically assents to that responsibility. I follow my protocols and rituals 99% of the time, but those tend to fall under choices I make to demonstrate respect for His place in my life, and my loyalty, faithfulness, and honesty are absolutely His 24/7. However, I don't consider those acts submission. When it comes time to surrender myself, my emotions, my body, my everything is when I need to understand without question or doubt that He wants to Dominate me and that my submission is welcome.
Call me a shitty submissive if you want - that I'm not a
twue submissive/slave/property. ~eye roll~ This is the current evolution of myself. If my Owner would like to mold me into something different, He simply must Lead me where He'd like me/us to be and Train me to His particular proclivities.
The community doesn't talk much if at all about the Top's consent or assent. I always find that ironic considering how offended most s-types get (I know I do.) when some other s tosses their submission at an unwilling s's feet and begs to be used and beaten. If a Top (or anyone) doesn't want to Dominate, there is not any amount of begging that is likely to change that.
This...stance/practice/approach isn't always easy. Fuck...I am human. I do crave that beautiful safe dark comfort of His Dominance almost every moment of my day like I crave air, but reality is what it is. The emotional, mental, and physical restraint I sometimes must put on myself can be agonizing and heartbreaking, but I'm unwilling to ever again pay the devastating costs of my submission being rejected and dismissed like I've offered someone a half cup of tepid tea. The primary flow of D/s is that the Dominant Leads and the submissive follow. I think too often that basic tenant is forgotten or ignored.
Anyway...those are some of the thoughts I've sewn together over the last few months. Happy to listen to critical feedback or alternative approaches, but until He Trains me differently, I'll wait for my Owner to enthusiastically assent to my submission.
~DominaKat
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