I do not know how to do surface level. Ask any of the few men I've been in a relationship with, and they are likely to say I know them better than anyone including the women they were married to for more than a decade or their mothers.
I go deep. Soul deep.
Every.
Damn.
Time.
It's just how I'm wired. I don't know how to do chitchat or meaningless casual flings. I'm awkward at them. Besides, those are for silly games and temporary pleasures. Neither of which I indulge in often. Fluff and bullshit do not sate me.
I want the richness that comes with depth of knowledge, vulnerability, and soul searing truth between partners. I crave the whispered confessions between us after night falls and the angry explosions of real when pushed against the wall. No...my soul searching is not always comfortable. Truth rarely is.
Life, society, circumstances, and pain often force most of us to create illusions and deceptions to hide our souls from the world. We do it out of necessity and fear, but it's only when two partners can get past all of the subterfuge, that a real connection begins.
In today's culture - littered with social media snapshots and memes, careless swipes on Tinder and OK Cupid - too many of us have lost touch with our souls...with who and what we are. I see a Man as much much more than His familial roles, job title, bank account, and zip code. Those things are all trappings of time. They may reflect small slivers of His inner self, but they aren't His sum total by any means.
His darkest desires.
His impossible dreams.
The etched lines of pain that mar His heart.
The unhealed wounds that still ache.
His failures.
His successes.
His hopes and regrets.
His un-fucking-civilized passions.
His unmet needs.
His unrealized adventures.
The emotions surrounding each.
The beautiful. The ugly. The hard. The amazing. The painful. The wicked. I want it all. I'm fucking greedy like that.
I want to know and love and serve and tempt and sate the deepest depths of the Man. It's one of the most rewarding challenges there is in a relationship.
I suppose that makes me a complicated demanding bitch. It's one of the reasons, I'm so damn picky about who I engage with intimately.
~sigh~ I crave this kind of knowing as well. Few make the effort or have the will and focus to delve into my soul. Though I don't always make the journey easy or clear either. I am flawed just like everyone else and no stranger to the discomfort and avoidance of vulnerability.
I had to face that vulnerability a few days ago. It was unexpected and shook me deep to speak of one of my failures. I realize now...I still haven't told the full story. Or maybe I have, just not in the brutal words that put my past into full focus.
I'm sure many wonder why I bother (aside from being greedy) and put in so much work when most wouldn't even know the difference. For me there is a huge difference. Tangled limbs and connected bodies can be breathtaking, but entwined souls...that goes well beyond the moment and the day.
It lasts a lifetime.
~DominaKat
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