In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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A Fearless Masochist

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Continuing to ponder my masochist and discovering little kernels of Truth...

I don’t have fear.

At least not any more.

When the shit I once coped with on a daily basis was so vicious, nasty, and evil that I could barely even speak of it, it’s difficult to be afraid of the Pain a trusted partner might deliver in the context of a BDSM scene.

Probably naive of me, I know.  There are many talented Sadists out there.  Maybe it would be better if I said...I don’t have fear YET.

But still...I'm not sure there could be a "YET."

A few things that have tumbled around my head as I've considered how fear might exist for my masochist...
  • I don’t have phobias to play off and exacerbate.
  • My response to sudden fear tends to be anger and swift violence, so maybe we really shouldn’t play in that pond. 
  • I long ago trained myself to face and confront situational fear.  "Fuck it...let's roll/do this."  Having spent years on the South Side of the Yo makes most BDSM scenes seem like a child's playground on a fear barometer.  (Hmmm...I wonder if fear is more of playtoy for those who haven't been embedded in potentially life-altering situations.)
  • I’m not one to be afraid of controlled (by a trusted Top) situations.
  • Am I a pain in the ass even in masochism???  Fuck.  Probably.  
  • Fear isn’t my kink.  Pain is.
Could I be cautious, nervous, apprehensive, or dread the suffering I might endure in an upcoming scene?  Sure.  But those are very different emotions from fear in my experience.  Fear is the kind of emotion that devours your stomach and eats at the base of your skull.  

Pain - despite the feeling - is my mental record scratch that narrows down the world to a silence where all that exists is me, Him, and the Pain.  Most times, I find an almost spiritual peace in Pain play.  

Fear play on the other hand would be like unending feedback of an amp plugged into my mind...not something I would consent to.  It wouldn't send me flying.  It wouldn't break me at His feet.  It would just piss me the fuck off, which doesn't sound like a great way to connect with a partner, especially if a bat was within reaching distance.

Hmmm...maybe a Capture Garden scene, but even then I think that would be more of a competitive game and fun rather than fear.

But who knows.  One thing I've definitely learned in my journey is that somewhere along the way, you MIGHT consider or even relish a kink you'd never thought would work for you.  Hehehe  Damn, isn't this shit fun???  ;-)

With mischief, 
~DominaKat

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