The Reconnection of Past and Present

Perspective is key to understanding anything.  The more perspectives you have the more accurately you can see the Truth.

I had the opportunity to step back the last few days - on many levels on damn near every front.  It's been an eye-opening experience that has brought a fresh measure of clarity I hadn't expected.  The kink/lifestyle front was by no means immune.

Last week for the first time in 7 1/2 years, I saw my ex - the one who describes me as a force of nature.  I have never had a problem admitting that I wouldn't be where I am today without our time together.  For that, he has and will always have my eternal thanks.  He feels the same about me.  He'd followed me into the lifestyle all those many years ago, a journey that changed us both forever and eventually led us down different paths.

As we spent time reconnecting, he said something to me during our lovely lunch that I hadn't considered or reflect on in a long time.

"I had to negotiate a lot of pain that you carried."

I paused to take that in.  He wasn't lyin'.  I was by no means easy on him at times, and not all of his wounds were deserved.  I was a fucking minefield then for so many legitimate reasons, and for a moment through the smoky haze of that classy masculine cigar bar, I saw the woman I used to be...that fierce, even occasionally combative, Warrior.

That Warrior fought through the pain of my past and the challenges of our present.  It was ugly sometimes and sometimes breathtakingly beautiful.  Through the good and bad, She taught me that I was not only strong enough to protect myself but to love and submit and that I was worthy enough to deserve to bask in an overabundance of both.

After two years, our affair ended in my fire and fury (an exercise I've never needed to prove to myself again), but every step I've made since has been my attempt to reach for peace, hope, and happiness.  Seeing that glimmer of who I used to be while being grounded firmly in the amazing life I've built and continue to expand today showed me with stunning clarity how far I've come in the last nine years.

Today's me looked back on the old me with compassion for her pain and pride in her fortitude, yet I appreciate so much more where I am now for having once again looked my Warrior in the eye.  With Her help, I had the courage to learn, to grow, and to reach beyond bitterness and anger and pain to create a life that brings me satisfaction and when I'm lucky deep joy as well.

Yes, that Warrior still very much lives inside me.  However, most days she resides quietly in the peace of semi-retirement (unless someone foolishly tries to fuck with me.)  Now, a softer, more grounded, content me navigates this journey and my steps forward.  While I will always protect myself, I strive to do no harm.

He too has grown and found an extraordinary peace in himself/his life that I'd never thought he'd find. Honestly, I couldn't be happier for him.  I always knew I was never his The One.

It was wonderful to spend an afternoon sharing witty banter, thoughtful insights, and fond memories with a very old friend.  That final step in reconnecting the past with the present reminded us both why we'd been in each other's lives in the first place.  And damn...we once shared some phenomenal energy.  ")
~DominaKat