I can't tell you how many posts have been in my feed or discussions have happened around me about metamours the last week. Maybe it's time I laid out my own thoughts...
Dear Men~
Hi, before we begin, let’s have a quick, very frank conversation.
Whether you just want to be friends or you’re interested in casual play or if you’re hoping for something serious and long term with me, look around you and be very very honest with yourself about your situation. If your woman/women is/are insecure in ANY way, please keep it moving. I am 46 years old, and I have had my FILL of insecure women. Not once in my life have I ever had a positive experience with any of my metamours or even the wife/lover/girlfriend of other males I've been friends with or connected to at one point or another.
Seriously. I’m not joking.
Look behind me…in the shadows…there…there…there, back there. Yeah…crazy, isn’t it? There’s literally probably a good dozen angry, bitter, frumpy, grouchy warthogs slinking around the bushes stalking me as you read this: my brother’s various ex-girlfriends over the years, my ex-husband’s (who I haven't spoken to in about seven years) current wife of almost 15 years, as well as various wives and current and ex-girlfriends of lovers past and present – it doesn’t matter what type of relationship we have had/have/may have...
They.
Can’t.
Cope.
And it’s exhausting to deal with their constant neurosis, so I’m now enforcing it as a hard limit: No insecure, mental, or manipulative metamours.
No…don’t try to rationalize or come up with some kind of great plan to make it all work.
No matter what I do...
How kind I’ve been...
How compassionate, empathetic, and understanding...
How accommodating and patient...
How reassuring that I do not want what they want/have…
It never makes a difference.
Which is ironic because I take such joy and pleasure in my partner and male friends' pleasure, happiness, and joy. My capacity for compersion is HUGE. I've shared my Man sexually in various ways and cum with His orgasm. HOTTNESS!!! I'm happy when my Man is content and at peace. I'm overjoyed when He wins or accomplishes His goals. I have actively tried to help all the poly Men and male friends in my life have better relationships with my metamours. I'm more often than not the female's advocate in the background!!! But again...
It never makes a difference.
I know. I don’t understand it either. It’s not logical or practical or even what one would consider sane, but nonetheless the metamours get angry, resentful, twist themselves up inside, and most end up stalking me endlessly – more worried about what I am or am not doing rather than focused what the fuck THEY are or rather SHOULD be DOING.
Maybe I’ve always just thought like a man and kept it rational, but if a woman refuses to take care of her man, why is she ALWAYS pissed off if another woman takes care of a PIECE of Him? Even in platonic relationships, they lose their shit that I breathe and am a great friend. ~eye roll~
Yep, I’ve talked endlessly to many of my metamours. Doesn’t matter…they only hate me more for being kind, compassionate, and genuine. ~shrug~ That’s the monster that is insecurity. It eats them up inside. They see my positive attributes and hate every one of them because they can't reciprocate. Somehow it's my fault that they are a shitty manipulative bitch or just have a fucked up destructive attitude.
Nope, don’t try to wave the "But We're Poly" flag either. Insecure is insecure even if she has 15 boyfriends straight off the NYFD centerfold calendar, even if I'm simply a platonic friend and she's actually cheating on my friend, even if she's ignored her man for years. It does not matter. Eventually I become in her mind - The Enemy. Some may openly pick verbal fights with you. Some may just talk shit and spread lies. Some may do their best to sabotage our relationship in the most persistent passive aggressive weak bullshit ever. Whatever their strategy, it's always meant to destroy whatever we have or might build between us, and that's when my compersion for them begins to die.
Then often comes the even more frustrating part, when you refuse…~cough~ I mean...you don’t see it. You never do, but it’s always clear as day, which makes my situation even more exhausting because I have to deal with it for myself and then explain it to you over and over again until by the 20th incident of dumb shit you finally kinda sorta concede that there might be a problem, but then most refuse to be a Man and put His foot down to squash the shit. ~sigh~
This pattern is not ideal for a positive relationship between you and I on any level, and when I realize you can't control the situations in your life, I start to distance myself from the hot mess. There will never be peace for any of us if you refuse to lead and demand she stop. I'm not one for games or drama or constant disharmony. Only once has a Man taken control and handled his woman in order to maintain our dynamic. We've been best friends for over a decade, and I've been by his side through the ugliest last chapters of two significant relationships. (Yes, both hated me.)
So Men, before we begin...Look at your situation and be brutally honest with yourself. If she's insecure or you're not strong enough to control your situation, save us both the unnecessary angst. When or if your situation changes, maybe we can discuss. Until then, let's just wave at one another when we cross paths and share surface level pleasantries.
~DominaKat
Note: Yes, I do recognize that my Alpha nature and my lack of submission to my metamours may be a factor in their negative response to me, but I genuinely do my best to be considerate and accommodating for as long as I can.
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