In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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Missing: property. Pls Call if Found.

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~sigh~  It's time I just came out with it.  I can't find my s-side.  Bitch is gone.  Poof.  Greatest magic trick I've come up with in years.  Too bad it wasn't intentional.

I literally can't even imagine being submissive.  Memories of kneeling feel like I'm watching a kinky home movie of someone else in my head.  Yes...I'm THAT detached.  I can't hear her.  I can't touch her.  She is bound and gagged somewhere, and I have no idea where.

If I'm honest, I'm also too busy to search.

Oh...I look around now and then, but I don't change my course of direction.  My mind is focused solely on the tasks at hand, and DAMN have I thrown a heap of tasks into my mix.   #UnownedCopingStrategy  I'm all about progress - FORWARD momentum toward my goals.

I can't even feel sad that she's MIA.  All she would do is slow me down with her...ache.  There's no one to Dominate her, so what good would her appearance be?  None.  None.  Negative 10 none.

Or maybe my Top/Mind/Alfred-side is Dominating my life so much that it has Dominated her into calm silence.  Hmmmm...

Or maybe it's that my emotional and physical are so dormant right now that she's also asleep...waiting.  (Yes, someday this volcano may explode with catastrophic molten lava.  Consider yourself warned.)

I know I'm not like a lot of submissives.  That part of me isn't out for public consumption.  People on the perimeter of my life don't think "Awww...she's so sweet."  More like..."Nope, not gonna fuck with her.  She may hurt me."  I'm never quite sure what that is, but whatever...it works well in NYC.  My point is...my submission/property-ness exists on a much deeper—almost primal—level rather than the surface.  She only appears with the inspiration of a special kind of Dominance.

So...I'm not even sure I could find her if I tried.  Meh.
~DominaKat

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