My masochist is one of the least explored out of all of my bottom-ish kinky personas. Yeah, I've experienced pain but not through a smorgasbord of different types of implements, styles, or scenes. Honestly, despite my near decade in the lifestyle, I could probably count the number of S&M scenes I've experienced on just a round or two of using my fingers and toes. Don't get me wrong. I've had some fucking amazing out-of-this-world scenes, but yeah, it's been one of the most frustratingly difficult aspects of my journey to progress and expand.
The reins now lay fully in my hands.
Obviously, I need to find viable, trustworthy play partners who will be comfortable with my experience level, interested in my goals, and able to accept my limitations. Putting the play partner finding aside, I really do need to delve into MY goals and limitations. You'd think after so long, I'd be able to rattle off my goals and limitations without even thinking. However, it's a bit more of a challenge than that. The issue is in the word MY. In my previous power exchange dynamics, the D always drove the goals and my limits with each were minor at best when it came to S&M. My inherent submission and partner-centric relationship styles made their goals and priorities my focus.
Playing on my own terms unpartnered is an extremely different ball game and requires me to take a deep look at my own desires. Being unpartnered allows me a certain...freedom. I get to be a little selfish! Well...at least negotiated selfishness. LOL However, I feel unbalanced in that freedom.
In an Authority Exchange, I followed someone else's footsteps - a clear path but narrow perspective. Now I've raised my sights to the horizon and can go in any direction! As fast or as slow as I want. I can walk a straight-line or dance in circles. WOW! Except...Oh shit, I'm a little dizzy! And...Ummm I'm not a fool, let me figure out how I want to explore this playground. I have no interest in skinned knees from running too fast and tripping.
Despite my experience, I face some significant unknowns on this new viewpoint. Without a partner, my sexuality, my submission, and my more intense emotions are...somewhere else. I have NO fucking idea how I will process pain without those. It feels a little like jumping out of a plane without a parachute. What if it just hurts like hell, and there's no release/fun/thrill??? Apparently, I need to test out a wingsuit because I'm not gonna know how this works until I try, and I'm game - no...an ADVOCATE - for [
Fail Fast/Fail Often][http://www.dominakat.com/2018/10/embrace-failure-to-thrive.html].
With that in mind, I need to get out of my head, quit fucking worrying about what the results might be, and focus on how to move forward. So on with the show...
*** My Masochist's Goals ***
- Practice negotiations!
- Explore and discover a variety of sensations, pain, and S&M concepts to learn my masochist's preferences, tolerance, thresholds AND to provide My Lil Monster (my Sadistic side) with insights into how to best incorporate those various sensations when Topping.
- Test different strategies for processing pain to understand how I best process pain.
- Gain insights into the following:
- Can I fully enjoy pain from someone who is not my primary partner? Will it only be an intellectual exercise or can I be intimately vulnerable - tears/turned on - within a platonic framework?
- How will pain affect/not affected me when my sex drive is in its single coma?
- As I gain experience, what does more maso-centric masochism look like for me?
- How far can I go down the HDO rabbit hole when I'm not in a submissive mindset?
- Where is the edge of madness/where I lose myself to the Pain when he is not my Him? Is that sweet wicked edge closer? Further away? Unfindable?
- What is the path to finding my sweet blissful masochist space?
- What else is down the S&M rabbit hole for me? Fireplay! Knife play? Competitive S&M? Primal play? Hmmmmm...such an amazing playground to explore!
*** My Masochist's Limits ***
- Lies/Dishonesty - HARD LIMIT. There's a difference between "I bet you'd like X, Y, Z" and "I'm going to do X, Y, Z."
- No hard drugs/alcohol before play - HARD LIMIT.
- No scat - HARD LIMIT.
- No sex - HARD LIMIT. Being sexualized or a sexual-ish scene may be negotiated if there's a spark of that energy between us.
- Nipple torture - HARD LIMIT (update 04/04/19)
- No full nudity.
- No blood.
- No electro play.
- No bondage unless specifically negotiated and only with play partners I've play with several times.
- No video or identifying images - HARD LIMIT. Images must be negotiated.
- No wood implements unless specifically discussed.
- No extreme environmental temperatures for prolonged periods (more than 2 minutes) - HARD LIMIT.
- I have a few physical no fly zones that will need to be discussed.
- Bruising is fine, but I have no desire to look like I got into a multi-car pile-up the next day. I live, work, and play in NYC with a busy schedule and have no one to baby me. I need to be able to function post play within 24 hours not groan with every damn step.
- I'll likely need transition time to shift well from the outside world to play time. To stretch, center, re-focus myself. (update 04/04/19)
*** What I Know So Far ***
- I won't seem super excited about play beforehand nor will I get nervous. Nothing personal at all. Simply that in my adult experiences, most do not follow through on their plans, so I wait until something is right fucking in front of me before I believe it's gonna happen. However, the more you invest - in whatever form that looks like - in preliminary activities, the more confident I feel about your intention to commit to a plan of action.
- I don't have a preference between thuddy or stingy. I'm more looking for a complete experience. Picking one type/one instrument feels like going out to dinner and simply having one portion of one thing rather than a full meal.
- I greatly prefer leather over wood.
- I'm audio sensitive. I enjoy dialog, music with a sexy vibe and/or good bassline. All helps feed the scene's energy for me.
- I respond well to challenge. ") Pushes out my threshold/tolerance to take more.
- Some measure of Dominance (positioning, verbal, leading) will help me process pain better/take more.
- I'm able to negotiate mid-scene. I've yet to lose my ability to snap out and rationalize.
- What my "I'm doing great!" looks like...Masochist space is NOT subspace for me, which are two very different mental and emotional spaces. In masochistic space, sheer joy! I'll typically laugh in bliss. There's just a feeling of overwhelming beautiful light bursting from my soul. I won't feel pain at this point. It can last seconds or minutes. Haven't tested enough to get a feel for how to bring this out. I REALLY want to figure out how to make that last! LOL (Greedy Hungry Bitch)
- I don't bruise easily unless I accidentally run into furniture. ~eye roll~ LOL
- I have yet to need much aftercare. I tend to be happy and buzzing a bit from the rush. I should not be driving or operating heavy machinery. However, I'd very much appreciate an intellectual post-game review to help gain perspective, insights, and possibly brainstorm next steps/suggestions.
Huh. There turned out to be a lot more to this than I expected. Will continue to update in the coming days/weeks/months as I continue to ponder and discuss with trusted kinky friends!
~DominaKat
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