I posted a list of
my poly questions back in January, and since then I've been on a quest to determine my answers. My ears are always on alert for conversation that may shed light for me. Occasionally, I get lucky.
Last week, I found myself in a great discussion with an amazing group of poly folks regarding the challenges of managing vanilla lives as well as defining goals of poly dynamics. However, I did NOT do a fantastic job of articulating my questions about the goals. Since then I've tried to better navigate through the ball of yarn in my head to find the right strings to pull.
My original goal-centric questions...
- Do poly relationship goals differ than monogamous ones? How far can a relationship progress when there isn't "traditional" milestones (AKA The Relationship Escalator: a drawer, the key swap, living together, engagement, marriage, buy a house, etc.) available due to practical poly situations (marriage/kids/vanilla life/legal boundaries) or if the anchor merely condones the practice as long as it's done out of sight? Given traditional milestone progress is limited, what do you aspire to instead?
- What happens if the various relationships have competing goals and one relationship essentially has to "win"?
- Does the nature of poly help or hinder relationship longevity? (Yes, I KNOW there are a thousand other factors here!), but it's still a fascinating question especially in the context of our current disposable culture.
My Current View
Before I jump in again with both feet like I did last night, let me provide a little background on my current view of my journey. Other than an authority exchange dynamic built on love and trust with a Dominant man, I don't have preconceived goals of how any future dynamic for should look or where it should go. Relationship goals must be defined by the strengths and capabilities OF the relationship - not by society or my singular perspective. Simple example: I'm not into rope, but if my partner were into rope, I/We would make a goal to explore rope as part of our future plans. I believe goals are derived between partners not set before they even meet.
While most my future potential goals remain ambiguous, I do understand my current limitations - what I can't provide off the jump or guarantee I'd be open to in the future.
- I have no interest in cohabiting.
- I have no interest in marriage.
- I will not entertain the thought of giving birth at this point in my life.
Maybe with time, the right partner, and amazing circumstances, my feelings on the first two may change. For now though, they are definites and often seen as advantages to poly men. I'm not going to ask for things they can't provide.
However, I'm not short-sighted. I routinely ask myself...If I continue down this path of dating poly men, what will I have or what will I have built in 20 years? The likely answer to that saddens me, especially when I witness the phenomenal twilight years of relationships that have stood the test of time and life.
So given all of that...I struggle to imagine what is possible...what the positive outcomes could be decades from now. I ask my questions in search of understanding and yes...hope.
Do Poly Goals and Monogamous Differ?
I think it's difficult to say no to this as cloning is not yet a thing (you can't be in two places at once) and uber-rich kinsters able to fully support multiple households only stroll the movie screen and book pages not the kinky scene. For the nesting/primary dynamic, obviously there may not be much difference. That dynamic can embrace and work toward all the traditional milestones if they so choose. Not so much for the tertiary partners.
Traditional milestones aren't normally available to tertiary partners. Most countries don't support multiple marriages, and even when they do there tends to be social constructs that make it pretty damn complicated. Cohabitation may be a possibility IF you are in a triad kind of situation and/or the metamours really - and I mean REALLY - like each other and are well versed in poly dynamics. I am aware of vague mysterious stories of LLC creation for merging incomes, properties, etc, but I've yet to see any evidence that that has become a norm within the poly community. However, I am realistic and practical. It's a challenge getting a single relationship to these kinds of commitments, let alone multiple relationships, so let's set aside the big ticket items.
Vanilla obligations/responsibilities and limiting societal structures also make little goals for 1+ a challenge. I know...some just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks and have been able to create a bubble for their kinky lifestyle. Awesome! However, most of us have at least one foot still in the vanilla world, and poly collisions can feel like a tack jammed right in the ball of your foot, forcing you to stumble. Ouch! Examples of a few routine normal goals in semi-serious to serious relationships: (For simplicity sake the partner below has a nesting dynamic, and you are the tertiary.)
- Goal: Go out to a nice dinner once a month with your partner. Tacks: What happens if you run into your partner's boss/minister/biggest client/his wife's friends/his kids' school principal or PTA president? I'm guessing that nice dinner ends quickly with to-go boxes. Next month maybe you hear..."What to grab some take out?" or "How about McDonalds?"
- Goal: Be there when your partner shines! Your man gets an achievement award from a local non-profit. Tacks: Do you get a seat at the head table with the wife, mother, boss, best friend, non-profit president? Or are you alone at a side table so proud but able to do nothing more than clap? Or are you just alone at home basking in compersion for him while he celebrates and drinks. Maybe you get the lowdown the next day?
- Goal: Celebrate a big holiday with your partner. Tacks: Considering they have a nesting partner, you'll likely end up with them/their family rather than your family. Are they out as poly to their family? Their parents? Their kids? Or are you forced to play total hands off and guard against looking at any body part or saying anything in an intimate tone? Are all the normal acts you'd do for your partner at your house (get their plate/drinks, remind them to take their medication, etc) off limits and reserved for the nesting partner? Hmmmm...are you actually having fun here? And what about next year, when you spend it with your family alone while your partner fulfills his duties as spouse, parent, son?
These are only three examples. With all the damn tacks scattered around, is it just best to stay inside and share time when you're not on a fancy vacation in someplace more than 300 miles away from home? No matter how much compersion I may have for my partner's life with his nesting partner or how much love is shared between me and my partner, this is where I get stuck in a vicious cycle of questioning my decision to date anyone poly.
What can I REALLY have with a poly man? What goals can we reach for and achieve together? This isn't about selfishness either. I have no desire to take from a metamour or cost my partner, but do I really want to be the kept secret? How healthy or viable is that as a foundation?
Look...I know poly is a challenge. I don't shy away from difficult, but I need to understand that it is possible to have an actual relationship and not just be the chick he stops by to visit once and awhile. For me, poly isn't just a trendy new name for with benefits or booty call. It's about the opportunity to love another who is already blessed with at least one love. All I'm looking for are tactical strategies grounded in practical reality for making that work well.
~DominaKat
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