In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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Bitch, Can You Just Get in a Damn Box?!?

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Fuck the fuck out of me...why can't anything ever be simple with me?  ~sigh~  A few weeks ago, I traumatized myself by reading a few fascinating blog posts on various types of sexuality.  I've been shocked to discover over the last month or so that despite absolutely LOVING sex, on some level I fall on the asexual scale!  Wow.  No...really...WOW!

Apparently I'm a sapiosexual-leaning demisexual reciprosexual who becomes hypersexual.  ~sigh~  It seems I can't just get in a single simple box that folks can easily identify with.  Nope...I'm more like a damn reverse matryoshka doll where each entry point leads to the possibility of something much, much greater.  SMH.

1. Sapiosexual Neurosexual - Getting my attention is not tied to being a card carrying Mensa membership.  I could care less if you were the smartest guy in the room.  I'm not an intellectual snob.  For me, it's more how you think, what you think, the depth of that thinking, and putting that thinking into tangible action.  Are you able to evolve or transform your thinking and take ideas to the next level?  If you donate most of your brain waves to the altar of your xbox, playstation, television, or social media, I'm not going to be intrigued.  A majority of your intellectual energy also needs to be positive.  Sociopaths and angry bitter social media sjw trolls are a definite turn off.  

2.  Demisexual - Physical appearance does not drive my sexuality.  Connection does.  The soul deep kind...that sharing of sweet dark energy that is a blend of Dominance, submission, passion, chemistry, intimacy.  Oh fuck yeah... ~sigh~

3.  Reciprosexual - Yes, to spark my sexuality, I need to be wanted.  However, not just anyone who wants me turns me on.  Only the one I've connected with can truly flip my switch and set me afire.  His desire for me fuels mine.  Anyone else's desire only hits me like mud.  Splat...and falls to the ground in a sad awkward puddle.

4.  Hypersexual -  Without the preceding building blocks of nero, demi, and recipro...my sexuality energy never manifests, but once I connect and He flips that switch, sexual energy flows effortlessly and continuously.  Greedy.  Hungry.  My previous Sir often stated I needed a village.  lol  The challenge especially as I grow older is coping with the diminishing libidos that plague men.  Sometimes I wish I was a cougar.

No wonder I've always been such a picky bitch when it comes to relationships.  It's rare I can find the right pattern that meets my needs.

I know...some of you thumb your noses at "labels."  For me, it's not about labels.  Language helps me organize my thoughts more concisely and facilitates the rapid communication of big ideas in this complicated world.  Given the above, I think I definitely fall under the big and complicated umbrella.  ~shrug~  I do try to make sure I'm worth it though!  LOL
~DominaKat


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