In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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A Bit of Truth Spillage

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I needed the quiet tonight.  Just jazz and words to keep me company and help me spill my truth.  Too many thoughts have built up in my mind, jamming the flow of serenity.  Somehow Christian Scott aTunde Adjuah always nudges open my flood gates.

Play... dozens of lessons.  Fascinating puzzle pieces.

A warning not to play...am I truly so different?  Is it the demisexual-ness that dictates my disconnectedness?  Or a lifetime of learned compartmentalization?  Is my control a valued trait?  Or is my elusive nature what allows me to move so fluidly between dimensions.

Service...have I been mistaken all along?  Have I finally found the safest, most rewarding form of servitude?  Maybe a Man will never again be blessed with what I can give.  If that's true...then what of the whore?

Submissive vs slave...the choice versus an alignment of wills.  Yes...gold flecks reflect the sun's litmus test of truth.  A stone melds into my foundation.

Sisterhood... Such unknown territory for me.  An experience I've never found.  What vulnerabilities will I discover?  What strengths will be an asset?  The brother by choice is my only inkling of what might be, yet the depth of time has long ago stripped us of our masks.  More lessons.  More choices.

"A Keeper," a "Second-Wife," "Wife Material"... Honors bestowed yet never cherished.  A place and a future not mine.  Only sandcastles built and lapped away with the changing tide.

Instant Powerful Energy...impossible to deny, yet no where for it to exist.  Not a choice, but an illogical truth at the mercy of inept hands.  Life lessons to be found, but only ignored.  I stand on the edge of that mess and shake my head at the criminal neglect, knowing once again I've done all I could.

Connections...I cannot will them into existence.  Nearly all energy is defined from the moment of discovery.  Impossible to manifest outcomes beyond its range.  I've tried.  Logically, I simply need to continue to expand my universe.

Polite Bullshit...It doesn't matter how pretty it smells, it's still bullshit, and when it lands in my path I have to clear it before I can continue.  I resent the annoyance, which opens me up to negativity and disharmony, which fuels more annoyance.  Hence my huge aversion to bullshit.  Time to recenter and realign to peace and optimism.  Please...just shit in your own yard.  Respect my hard limit to bullshit.

Maybe not a flood gate, but at least a bit of the pressure has been released.

Night...
~DominaKat


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