I fucked up a few weeks ago. Did something stupid. REALLY STUPID.
At the enthusiastic prompting/encouragement of a half-outed kinkster, I fully outed myself to a friend of his (who he swore was kinky) and invited them to join me for a local class I was about to attend.
Commence the fucking TRAINWRECK.
In under 120 seconds...
- She revealed missing KEY pieces to their previous interactions that caught me completely off guard. No...owning my shit here...I felt like an absolute fool.
- Yes, she had her own alternative lifestyle interest (poly) and seemed openmind to hearing about my own BDSM interests. She was decently knowledgeable on basic terminology and agreed to join us, but she acted WAY cooler than she was.
- He got weird and started a bit of a shock-and-awe act as I answered her questions, which amplified my feeling used and more a fool.
- I without really thinking in this rushed conversation that was quickly picking up speed and tension outed Him another significant degree in my confusion of his shock-and-awe.
- They communicated in their native tongue, and he pulled me away to decline on both their behalfs further amplifying my feeling like both an outsider and a fool.
I walked away sick to my stomach, embarrassed, humiliated, and without any kind of support or consideration, while his friend, was catered to.
Let me be clear. ALL of us contributed to that mess. Him and I more than her. However, the only person I can effect moving forward is me.
- I let myself be swayed. My initial/gut reaction to his first four suggestions was no. I should NOT have caved.
- I didn't factor in other people's motivations, which left me open to misunderstandings and unknown potentials. It may shock some who know me, but I need to ask "Why?" more often.
- I didn't factor in my own vulnerabilities in that situation and didn't have time to prep myself for rejection both hers and his. Hers I could have dealt with. His - someone I knew and trusted - left me breathless, off-balance, and in the end...angry.
- Most of all...I fucking know better, but the bubble of kink I've been involved in cushioned my memory of vanilla reality.
Over the course of my nine years in the lifestyle, I've intentionally and unintentionally led several people to the rabbit hole of kink. Even though ALL were on SOME level kinky as hell, not ONCE has the introduction been fun for me. In fact, dealing with other people's—
Wait...let me clarify a key point here... NONE of those who found the rabbit hole through me were strangers. In fact, they were all very close to me. Dealing with their judgement, their jokes, their avoidance and denial of their own shit was like a hundred sharp cuts poured over with salt water, and considering how close they were to me, the cuts were pretty damn deep.
This is why I am adamant that I won't date vanilla. I don't have the time, energy, or patience for that ridiculous game of "Let me show you what I'm into." No fucking thanks. I have zero interest in being someone's concierge to The Kinky Wonderland entrance.
As is evident in this latest fiasco, casual acquaintance (hers) doesn't seem to fair that much better. Oh...I have no doubt him and her have had delightful conversations about kink following my embarrassment and rejection. That's how it always works. The concierge who opens the door takes the brunt of the ugly disdain, while the one who swoops in behind reaps all the benefits. ~eye roll~
Hence, I only deal with folks who have owned their shit and are already well into Wonderland. I'm happy to help newbies who are moving in find their way to this or that, but I'll skip the tourists and door opening. This last episode was a vicious reminder. The pay and working conditions suck, but most of all the experience never serves me well. In fact, all it ever does is cost me.
~DominaKat
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