A question came my way last month, "Why Owner/property? As opposed to Master/slave?" I struggled to answer beyond, "'Property' felt right. 'Slave" has never worked for me." I didn't add at the time that neither has "Master." (I was trying to be semi-well-behaved and not offend anyone.) I've always struggled to answer the 'property' vs 'slave' question, but I searched deeper on my train ride home and have continued to play with the puzzle pieces. Turns out, there was a lot to unpack and fit together.
There are many implied nuances that apply to both "slave" and "property": belonging, protected, the follower of a leader, etc. All of those resonate deeply within me. Always have. However, FOR ME, "slave" felt inherently wrong, like a dress that fit poorly and whose fabric itched the moment it touched my skin. Despite my knowledge that I have been/could be utterly devoted to a Dominant Man and my instinctive desire to obey that figure as well as my draw to service, protocols, slave positions, etc, I STILL could not/cannot embrace the title "slave" for myself. ~sigh~
So what the fuck is my problem?
The Negative Flavors of "Master/slave"
This isn't nit-picking about titles or labels. Being a writer, language is vital to me. Words fuel my mind and are the voice of my heart. In my search to communicate well, I often toss out a half a dozen words as I seek the exact language that accurately reflects not simply the definition but the context and mental and emotional flavor I wish to convey. Not everyone shares my neurosis, but most can't deny the difference between "I fucked him," and "My hot pussy dragged along his hard shaft from the thick base to his pulsing head, leaving it drenched in my juices." Yes, there is incredible, tangible power in words.
Historical usage can drive much of a word's flavor. I have spent most of my life in integrated communities as well as interracial platonic and romantic relationships. In my first encounter with a racist comment around eight, every alarm bell in my head went off and my singular thought was..."What is WRONG with you???" Age, knowledge, and experience only heightened my awareness of history and the poison of racism. As my journey in the lifestyle deepened into M/s dynamics, I forced myself to divorce my association of Master/slave language from this country's ugly past in order to learn, yet it is impossible to remove the stain it holds in my eyes, especially of the word "Master."
Owner, Sir, Sire, Alpha, Dominant, Dom, King...those words roll off my tongue, through my mind, from my fingertips with ease, grace, and complete acceptance. Those are titles I long to fall from my lips. Just saying them, thinking them, typing them wraps a veil of peace and calm around me. Master, however, evokes nausea, anger, disgust, and disdain. None of which are productive emotions within an Authority-Based relationship.
However, it's the definitions that harass my comfort level most.
mas•ter |ˈmastər|
noun
a skilled practitioner of a particular art or activity
Soooo... ~scratching my head~ "Master" of what exactly?
~sigh~ I'm not trying to be a bitch. I honestly need to know if I'm to understand how we might fit together or how our dynamic might flow. Unfortunately, the answers never quite fulfill the expectations of "Master" in the context of M/s dynamics.
Master of Your Dick? Sex? ~yawn~ Honey, please...the lifestyle is MUCH more than stuffing your meat in my hole. If all I was seeking on my journey was sex, I damn sure wouldn't choose the difficult, often frustrating, steep ass path of Power Exchange dynamics. I'd stick to the swingers side of the spectrum and fuck myself stupid on the regular.
Master of Bondage and S&M? Hmmm...interesting collection of implements you have there. Okay...let's see how you do what you do. Not bad...not bad...you can swing a flogger and throw a whip. Now talk to me about how you harness the mental and emotional implications of all those delightful toys. You look confused. But I thought you were a "Master"? Have you actually studied beyond the surface tactics of what we do? ~crickets~ You really have no idea what I'm even talking about, do you? Bloody hell. What am I doing you ask? I'm ordering an Uber, sweetie. Good luck on the playground.
Are you a Master of Self? Of course? Hmmmm...let's talk about this. See this is the CRITICAL foundation in the journey to the left side of the slash.
- First...basic mental and emotional stability. Anyone who has been in this lifestyle for more than 45 minutes...okay, 45 days...can testify that mental and emotional stability is sadly NOT as commonplace as anyone might think.
- Second...are you GROWN? No...this isn't about what zip code you live in or what kind of car you drive. It's are you somewhat financially independent and stable? No...I do not expect you to pay for everything in the dynamic. That's not how I roll, but respect is a basic tenet within Authority Exchange relationships, and it would be difficult to respect and submit long term if I'm the one paying our way and giving you money for your bills. That kind of inverse power exchange slowly but surely erodes the natural flow of M/s dynamic, even if we both have the best intentions. I do NOT need a hero, a phone, a ride, a home, a job, or an ATM. While I'm not perfect, I'm not that chick with her life falling apart, hoping for a guy to save me. If I—the one on the right side of the slash—don't need those things from you, why haven't you been able to get your shit together?
- Third...do you have goals, and do you achieve what you set out to accomplish? Big, small, it doesn't matter. A fundamental tenet of being a "Master" is leadership. If you can't lead yourself anywhere, how are you possibly going to lead anyone else?
Master of me? GeeeeeeeettheFUCKouttahere. ~sigh~ Again, I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I've YET to meet a Man interested in me who can actually keep up with me. The sad thing is...I'm not even well accomplished or anything by vanilla standards. I don't expect anyone to be Mr. CEO, but for fuck sake could you NOT waste a majority of your life on TV, xbox/playstation, Facebook, Fetlife, and Twitter?!? There is sooo much more to experience and do with your life. Being the Master of me...leading me can't be done from the comfort of your indentation on the damn couch. SMH.
Notice...I haven't even gotten to the Master of M/s, nor am I even going to start.
It's obvious that I have strong issues with the language of the left side of the slash. My views contribute heavily on my inability to embrace "slave," but I do have struggles there as well.
slave |slāv|
noun
- a person who works very hard without proper remuneration or appreciation
- a person who is excessively dependent upon or controlled by something
If I'm not appreciated or valued, then why should I serve and give of myself? Yes, there is reward in service, but I am a human being and have a basic need to feel that my efforts are valued and worth recognition. When that positive cycle of reinforcement exists, the flow of energy between us will be phenomenal.
"Excessively dependent and controlled." Obedience should be born from my firm belief in my Partner and His Leadership not because I can't help myself.
The mental and emotional flavors of "slave" only amplify my challenges with the definition. Too much docility. Too much tameness. Neither of which fit me. Too...prideless and easily dismissed. Neither of which I should accept. (
AGAIN...FOR ME!!! These are NOT attributes I apply to ANY of my slave sisters and brothers!!! As with any self-identification it is descriptive of what, in my mind, I would need to be/emulate in order to feel "slave." Your mileage likely varies GREATLY.)
I KNOW that everyone in this lifestyle defines their own relationship, and that these definitions/implications of language do NOT define the interactions between folks. The bizarre/illogical part (I seriously DO recognize this.) is that AGAIN NONE of this applies to anyone else. I see, understand, acknowledge, and respect the well-deserved attributes and titles of MANY Masters within the lifestyle as well the grace, devotion, and beautiful submission of MANY of my slave peers. Their self-identified titles/names/Fet handles do not illicit negative emotions, resentments, or doubts in my mind or heart for what THEY are, have, and are building. In fact, I am in awe of them more times than not. I envy the heartwarming dynamics they share and that they have found P/partners that suit them so well. This is all my own very personal and intimate choice and reasoning of what works for me and the kind of dynamic I hope to someday be a part of. I sincerely do not mean to offend anyone in the M/s community I love and appreciate so dearly with my thoughts on my own preferences.
The Comfortable Fit of "Owner/property"
All of my mental and emotional reservations disappear when I shift the language because the words alters the meaning, the expectations, and the flavor. My posture and even my breathing have relaxed just in finally getting to this part of the writing.
own•er |ˈōnər|
noun
a person who owns something
prop•er•ty |ˈpräpərtē|
noun
a thing or things belonging to someone
There is such simplicity here that demands little to be true and authentic mentally, emotionally, physically, or in practical application.
"Owner" does not imply the standard of "skilled practitioner," nor does it have anywhere near the same weight of negativity associated from its historical usage. The only implication is an agreement of Ownership. No, this isn't to say I don't have standards. I very much do. However, I don't have an unrealistic belief that He must have every bit of His life in order to be my Owner. I'm an idealistic realist. Life is complicated and messy. I can work with someone who is trying and whose heart, mind, and goals align well with mine.
Finally and most importantly, the term "property" provides more...allowances. For me. My style. My personality. Specifically, there is room for my Primal—my lioness—to exist as property.
A prized possession.
A dangerous pet on a leash.
A lioness for her Lion.
Owned yet never mastered.
There is freedom for ALL of me to thrive in this situation. For me to be strong, independent, and powerful yet Owned. For me to wild, fierce, and aggressive yet Obey. My lioness can roar and hunt as property where it would break the traditional bounds of slave.
An Owner of a lioness does not Own because He is greater than the lioness. He Owns out of respect and value in her. She follows out of respect and value in Him. He nurtures and protects. She runs by His side and guards His back in a fight.
Owner/property...A agreement between two dark entities based on respect, admiration, and value rather than a hierarchy or a loss of my self or forfeiture of my natural abilities. Everything about that feels good and natural for me and what I seek in an Authority-Based Relationship. In the end, that's all any of us are looking for, right?
Before we can ever find what we want and need, we must first be true to ourselves.
~DominaKat
Note: Owner/property absolutely has a tone of objectification. Fortunately, that is one of my kinks, so I have no issue with that. YMMV.
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