In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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When a Sleeping Lioness is Poked

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It's been an odd few weeks...outing myself to a distance acquaintance against my better judgement, my slave self making a spontaneous appearance in an unhealthy situation, a heartbreaking confession, a confrontation with a bully who escalated dumb shit to put his hands on me and ended up on the floor for it, a non-consenting witness to group therapy.  I've racked up a fair share of negative encounters in a short amount of time.  None of them earth shattering or world-changing by any means.  I'm just not at my best.  All of it has left my energy in a funk that I'm not sure how to dissipate.

My Lioness is wide awake after having been in a coma for much of the last year, and it wasn't passion and sexiness that woke her.  She definitely rolled off the wrong side of the bed from all the pokes and prods.  She's not angry, but she is annoyed and watchful.  Her claws are unsheathed.  She paces.

I know I am well equipped to handle almost anything that comes my way.  I'm strong.  I'm fierce.  I'm competent.  However, that doesn't give anyone the right to take advantage of my kindness or swing at me because I can take it.

While my circle is growing, I need to be ever cognizant that few have my best interest at heart.  Fewer still have skin in the game and are willing to protect me.  Yes, cheerleaders are absolutely appreciated, but even the best quarterback can't win a game without a defensive line.

Hmmmm...Maybe that's adding to the icky energy I'm carrying.  Each challenging encounter has forced me to face the reality that I am unowned—that no one protects me or even gives me a place to curl up when I'm weary.  I've done a helluva job over the last few years taking care of myself.  Maybe...I'm just a tired at the moment.  Not everything can be/could have been avoided.  Though, maybe it's time for me to be more selective (~cough~...in control) of my environment.

A good plan going forward but it doesn't provide me an answer for how to clear out this unsettled energy.  My Lioness doesn't have to go back to her coma.  I'd just appreciate it if she'd stop the incessant pacing.  ~sigh~  I'll start with a circle and burning sage tonight.  If that doesn't help, maybe a good ass whooping would.
~DominaKat

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