Before We Die...

Spending some time again with Christian Scott aTunde Adjuah this evening.  Somehow he always seems to help me find my words.  He teases them from my soul like he does the haunting notes from his trumpet.  Long.  Drawn out.  Strung together to tell his truth.  Maybe today, I'll find mine.

A milestone.  One few can understand the personal and emotional significance of.  The summit of Everest after years of climbing in treacherous, punishing conditions.  A triumph over evil.  A redemption after hell.  It was beautiful and moved me deeply.  A reality I once never dreamed could come to pass.

An anniversary.  Five years in NYC.  Where I've grown in ways unimagined.  The dichotomy of the demands and opportunities.  Of harsh practicalities and limitless awe.  My gypsy wanderer dances under the shadows of steel and glass through the concrete jungle.  More pieces of myself unwrapped and stacked on a foundation made stronger.

The blessings shared in service to a community.  To give and share and learn and grow and help others find their truths even as I seek mine.  Where I am somehow not alone yet even lonelier.  To make more and more progress in my journey only to understand my goal slips further and further from my fingertips with every bit of knowledge I gather.

The passage toward Sisterhood.  A path I never anticipated my feet would find.  A place of solace and inspiration.  My journey through the dark is deeper, broader, richer.  I find laughter, joy, acceptance, compassion, and inspiration.  I find reflections of my soul in the history of Old Guards.  Where my religion of BDSM and Hedonism and Honor do exist.  Those echoes from the past help me hold on a little longer.

I take stock.

Of today.
Of all I have found, nurtured, and built around me the last handful of years.
Of my next steps.

Before we die, most of us do what we can to find meaning in our lives.  To heal old wounds.  To make a difference.  To live richly and deeply with those we love/care for and who love/care about us.  To find our own Truth.  Truly, I am so very blessed.  Deep tangible meaning underlies all that I do.  Yet still an emptiness claws at my root as I struggle to find even the tiniest bit of magic and meaning when it comes to my most intimate self.

Quite frankly, that part of me is fucking lost.

After all of the work I've put in and all of ground I've gained, I no longer have a clue how to move forward to sate my deepest desires.  Every direction looks the same—a dearth landscape of bleak possibilities.  I break myself into fragments, so my soul can suckle drops of hope-saving nourishment.  {sigh}

I know I can only seek my journey.
I know I can only walk my path.
However, the more steps I take.
The more distant my dreams become.

Maybe I'm just greedy.  My journey has taken me FAR.  Why should I ache for what's missing when so much surrounds, protects, and feeds me?

Yet...there's always that whisper in the darkest of night that keeps wondering...If before I die will I ever experience a Lover and Owner who truly leads and stands with me?

Augh.  I can't dwell.  I refuse to.  A spiral downward is all that awaits.  I raise my inner eye beyond what I cannot change and focus my energies toward all that I can contribute to.  I reach for positive energies and meaningful experiences.  Whatever lies ahead for me, must meet me where I am at.  No matter what, I'll know I've done all I can to be my best self.
~DominaKat