It's been rare that I write from the soul anymore.
Most of 2019, I was flat out too busy. Hell...I've never been that "socially" busy in my life, and I didn't even have a relationship to service! LOL Friends. Work. Family. Pledging. My co-hosted Lifestyle discussion groups—S&M.NYC and NYC slave Meetings. The Community in general. I'd spend 12+ hours in Manhattan, coming home to my Borough exhausted yet satisfied I'd made the most of my day and the opportunities in front of me.
Then 2020...fuck what a damn mess. I saw it coming earlier than others, and I started to prepare practically as well as mentally and emotionally. Yet, the reality of it was nothing I'd imagined. The endless scream of the sirens until finally...blessedly...someone official must have told them to cut the sound. No cars, no bikes, no people dared our once energy-pulsing streets. The coo of pigeons and tentative tweets of birds I don't know the name of filtered unbroken up to my windows instead of the buzz, din, and ruckus of the city. Days stretched to weeks, weeks blended into months, seasons have melded together like M&M's on a sidewalk in the summer sun. Pain... Sorrow... Disappoint... Loneliness... Worry... bled into and over top of one another again and again and again.
I've been extremely quiet for a while now. I refuse to wallow aimlessly in negativity, so I couldn't even think about writing during those early fear-gripped days. Given the stupidity of a significant portion of our society, I know there's a pretty realistic chance I won't be able to write again soon as we fight like hell to get to the dawn of Spring 2021.
I and those I hold most dear are all (knock on wood) blessedly still safe, healthy, and relatively sane, but over the last four months I had to take well-needed time away. Like every single one of us, COVID and the social sins that continue to rip at the tattered remains of this country's historically questionable moral fabric have sapped away the contents in our cups. Added to that significant familial milestones reached, frustrations within my own lifestyle journey, and several high wind shifts to my sails, I found my cup empty with little to fill it.
It's no surprise to anyone who knows me...I gave—or at least tried to give—too much to too many things. I had no choice but to step back and protect the property.
This lioness retreated to a dark quiet corner of her mental and emotional liar.
I needed to rest. To breathe. To refocus. To reset.
To try to find my voice and my authentic soul again rather than continue to exist in the numb, blurry stumble from one day to the next.
Progress has felt slow as fuck. Maybe a two week vacation to the tropics filled with sunshine, ocean, laughter, and slushy drinks would have sped up recovery, but with the overwhelming everything demanding its harsh payment, I learned to quit being impatient with myself and feeling guilty for my retreat. Instead I've taught myself to simply and unapologetically give myself whatever time and space I need right this fucking minute. If I can freely give that to others, I damn sure could give it to myself.
While in my Liar, I've found Peace in simple things that have long lay dormant in my DNA.
While in my Liar, books fed me, my journey, and my soul in ways another fucking overfilled Kink 101 zoom session simply could not.
While in my Liar and as the tightest restrictions lifted, I basked in priceless moments of passion, primal heat, and even a beautiful wicked pain.
Finally...in my Liar, words have begun to come again in fits and spurts. (Maybe because I've stopped talking so damn much. LOL)
Having recovered, my Lioness stands at the mouth of her liar and surveys the world. However, a firm course correction and path forward eludes me.
I may not be the only one facing this dilemma.
Vicious storms have dramatically altered the landscape. We exist under a moonless midnight sky, heavily burdened with angry dark clouds. Without the hopeful glimmer of stars that would help us guide our direction and the gentle moonlight to illuminate known landmarks, we can only stay close to what is safe and shuffle through the blindness to do what we can as the crippling rains and battering winds continue to tear at our hearts and minds. I'd be a fool to believe I could course correct let alone find a solid path forward right now.
Once these storms finally pass, I'll take stock of the new terrain in front of me and decide on where my journey might next take me. Until then my only goals in these dark days are to keep my Lioness alive, at peace, and to build the strength, knowledge, and wisdom I need most as I prowl the tight perimeter of my domain and keep watch on potential threats. The work I've done and the boundaries I've erected thus far will help me significantly as we enter the challenges of what will hopefully be the final stages of this madness.
May your own journey right now bring you comfort, keep you safe, and give you the time to find the answers you seek.
Be safe. Be well. Fucking vote.
~DominaKat
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