In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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To Write Again...Part of My Evolution.

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It's been a long fucking time since I've written much or written often.  The last year fucked us all up.  My coping tool for it all was to shut down emotions as much as possible and focus on service.

Covid in NYC...fuck.  I would have gone mad if I'd let myself dwell in all that fucking turmoil, fear, and pain.  So...service.  Between work and lifestyle efforts I was putting in 12-16 hours a day from March 2020 until about the end of May.  Then I had to let all that angst go.

Social Justice...fuck how shocked was I when a good portion of the world finally woke the fuck up at least for a few minutes.  Nope...ya didn't see me post.  Nope...ya didn't see me fight with trolls.  Nope...I didn't sink into my emotions of annoyance, frustration, and pure deep seated anger.  So...service.  For me being an ally is so much more than words, more than useless social media likes/loves, more than a t-shirt slogan or a sign.  It's about fucking WORK.  All in kinda work.  Like bust your ass give your best kinda work.  My service to ONYX Pearls NY-NE.  My service to UPRISE!  My service to new projects...    

Which brings me to BlackMusic...fuck.  His last words to me were about the service project I've been working on.  His unwavering encouragement and belief in my vision.  I still haven't come to grip with how deeply his untimely sudden death impacted me.  Fuck.  Just...Fuck.

~sigh~ 

I find myself in a temporary transition phase.  Like a caterpillar wrapped in a cocoon.  From what was to what will be.  Yet there is no slumber.  Rest maybe.  But no comatose happening to me kind of thing.  I'm absolutely actively engaged in this change process.  Though for the moment,  I am in a quieter calmer form of service to the one who grounds me most, and I'm using this time to...process and consider.  I've had many, many transitions over the years.  Each time I've evolved has been...life altering.  I'm not 100% sure what things will look like on the other side of this, but the path I'm on feels so right it's nearly unsettling.  

I do know my words need to flow again.  My voice with words needs to rise again.  For now...I'm simply tapping the dust off my blog and get used to releasing my thoughts once again to the world...or at least my lil tiny corner of it.
~DominaKat

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