After so many of the things, I've spent September settling back in and restarting my world. Yet as I review various options for Lifestyle classes, events, reconnecting, somehow everything feels bland and uninspiring. My heart and soul feel utterly disconnected from the Lifestyle. I am...adrift.
I've been blessed in many ways the last nearly two years. I didn't have it as hard as so many. I'm not depressed. I wake up refreshed. I'm productive. My emotions are in check. Minimal anxiety as I've slowly over time re-acclimated to being out in the world with people. In fact, I can list many personal silver linings that I've found despite this seemingly unending Cat 5 Hurricane of a Pandemic.
So I ask myself what the fuck? One of my biggest passions now feels empty and stale and no longer magical. ~sigh~ To use an analogy...the game ball is flat, so I can barely find the motivation to go to the field to practice or play. Who wants to toss a football when pieces of lifeless stitched leather definitely won't soar through the air? (That was for you, Sherpa.)
Maybe it's more of a death by a thousand paper cuts thing. I'm definitely not at the death stage, or at least I don't think I am, but...
They say sometimes you need to air wounds, so let me rip off all these tiny little bandaids I gotten so used to carrying...
- Loss | Losing a close dear friend and Lifestyle co-conspirator in the Spring, who shared so many of my Lifestyle passions, gutted me. Shit...there's no tiny bandaids on this one. A clear line of raw ugly stitches and staples under that surgical dressing.
- Lack of Touch | I can count the number of times I've had physical intimacy in the last year on one hand. I know this is an issue. I even warned him of it the last time we connected. My natural affection for those I care about has disappeared. My body doesn't even move the way it used to.
- Lack of Intimacy | The number of times I've shared emotional intimacy or been vulnerable...zero. Somehow I can share extraordinary details of my life and still remain emotionally separate. After the various trials in my life, I truly don't give a fuck what most people think of me.
- Driving in the Wrong Lane | Being single with no nesting partner, I've been in near constant Top-space (protect the property) since Covid hit NYC. I'm not sure my transmission can shift back into normal gear.
- Technology Interference | While I am ridiculously grateful for all the technology that has kept us somewhat sane in this Covid Era, I am fuckin sick of Zoom.
- Lack of Trust | Seeing the increasing frequency of mental health issues affecting the population makes me even less likely to trust new folks. NOTE: Most of us have been through HELL the last year, and these mental health issues are absolutely valid!!! However, that don't mean I'm gonna add to someone else's burden nor depend on them to keep my boat steady.
- Drama & Bitterness | Despite the chants of Sisterhood and Brotherhood, my naive ass has come to see firsthand the ugly side of the Leather Community. Not impressed, ya'll, ESPECIALLY from you so called "leaders"! ~eye roll~
- Selfish World | Harsh pandemic awareness of truth...most people are not concerned with my (or anyone else's) health and safety. They are focused merely on their own needs and wants and damn the reckless consequences of their actions. I am currently the only one willing and able to protect the property.
- Fairytale Bullshit | I struggle to swallow the unending utopian Lifestyle rhetoric while submerged in the empty reality of what is truly possible and meaningful at the moment.
I know...this is on me to sort through. Intellectually I KNOW this Lifestyle is what I want and NEED to be happy and content and have joy in my life. I just need my body, heart, and soul to believe in it again. How to do that though still remains a mystery to me. In the meantime I'll slap some Neosporin on and reapply those bandaids again. Healing takes time.
~DominaKat
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