I've churned off and on with this post for years as the issue has cropped up numerous times since I entered the lifestyle a dozen years ago. It's a topic I rarely see tackled. To be upfront, I'd love any additional insights, perspective, shared experiences, and potential solutions here...
We talk a lot about consent in this community. Those clear negotiations before play or a relationship to established each partner's boundaries, limits, desires, and needs work out great when you're talking about overt actions/inactions. "I love flogging. I'm open to knife play, but needles are a hard limit for me." Easy-peasy...but what about the messy, unconscious, emotional garbage most carry around? How often are we intentionally negotiating those landmines upfront? The few instances I've heard discussed tend to be either in the context of M/s or Owner/property User Manuals or Pro-Domme negotiations, a small portion of the community.
~record scratch~ My words aren't going in the right direction for me...too objective, too abstract, too clinical. Fuck it...Let me just slap this bit of ugly down on the table for all to see. It has happened to me a few times now on either side of the slash, in both monogamous and poly situations. At various stages of relationships from initial outreach to long term relationships where (usually through subtle verbal cues or clear actions) I discover the male I've engaged with holds deep shame related to my (current or potential) role/position in H/his life.
Realization/gut response | Oh hell the fuck no, mother fucker!
I turn off my outside voice.
I breathe.
I breathe some more.
Okay...I breathe a lot fucking more. Over a lot of damn days.
shame /SHām/
noun
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.
I've rationally tried to work through the mental and emotional logic to find understanding while I let go of my own internal pisstivity, I have YET to find a way to be okay with this shit.
I am not fucking "wrong."
I am not fucking "foolish behavior."
Let me better frame the situations I've experienced. Every man I've had this issue with was actively coming TOWARD me. They were excited to engage. They clearly stated their desire for a relationship, play, interaction, whatever with me. I was their dream/fantasy come true.
It was only by listening and watching in between their words and/or actions that I discovered the truth—H/his shame. Some part of their heart, mind, subconscious held firm that what I was to H/him and/or what we were (negotiating) doing together was bad, immoral, embarrassing...shameful, and I'm not fucking okay with being in that position. I never fucking consented to that shit. That's not agreed upon HDO (humiliation, degradation, objectification) play. That isn't fear play. H/his shame was fundamental mental and emotional conflict, and I find that truth to be deeply offensive.
Despite caring, kindness, respect, and other positive interactions between us...
Despite that our intimate Lifestyle actions were private...
Despite that even others within their inner circle were aware of my existence and some even advocated and approved of my role/place in their life...
They were afraid of and embarrassed by what I represented.
Look...I KNOW these feelings were THEIR issue and in no way shape or form a reflection of who or what I am. However, there is no escaping the results: shame, embarrassment, denial, avoidant behaviors, secrecy. In the end...those results always doomed anything we could have created. Their dreams and fantasies manifesting were more than they could handle.
Is there some solution here I'm not seeing? I've tried to varying degrees to justify to or reason with the squirrelly mental and emotional gymnastics of a fundamentally conflicted man. It has never solved this issues. That's not how relationships and mental/emotional landmines works nor am I a psychologist with the skill set to undo a lifetime of fundamental beliefs.
At this point I've simply fucking made it a HARD LIMIT...I am NOT Y/your Shame.
~DominaKat
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