*** Drafted 11.21.23 ***
Fuuuuuuuck...why didn't ANY of you warn me?
Like...REALLY??? How many times have we sat together through classes, discussions, panels, round tables? Yet NOT ONE of you mother fuckers said a damn thing about how this shit really might go down.
Grrrrrrr... You ALL suck and officially can no longer be trusted.
She's been a part of me for so long.
She's guided me.
She's empowered me.
She's protected me.
I thought I understood her.
I thought I knew her.
I thought I could anticipate her.
But...this???
Fuuuuck…This is new fuckin territory, one I don't have a damn clue how to navigate, and if I'm honest, a part of me DOESN'T want to navigate it.
I just want to lose myself again and again to it. To her. To Him.
~GROAN~
She just slips in and...
Takes.
Fucking.
OVER!
Again...you fuckers NEVER discussed THIS shit.
That I wouldn't be...COULDN'T be...
Rational.
Reasonable.
Thoughtful.
Considerate.
IN FUCKIN CONTROL.
~sigh~ The rest of Kat disappears.
Only Instinct exists.
Visceral need...
To feed.
To do.
To have.
To mate.
To run.
To explore.
To bask in it all.
To BE.
I can't stop and think. Is this what we're doing?
I can't slow down and reason. Do we each have full consent?
I can't even care if I'm doing shit right. Technique?
This is at least the third time that it's happened. Maybe fourth?
It was longer this time. More defined. More fuckin deliberate. Almost a...stalking. What? I'm not sure. Him? The bigger me? Us? All that we were doing? Again...I dunno. She doesn't think. She just does whateverthefuckingfuckshewantstodo.
I didn't want it to end. I just wanted it to go on and on and fucking on...
Fuuuuuck...it's taken me almost a week to even be able to step back enough to START processing this shit, and dammit, I may need to apologize. I'm not even sure. SMH.
~sigh~
What the fuck was that? And should I... Do I... Can I...
Control my primal?
~DominaKat
*** Today 12.19.23 ***
Life happened on both our parts, so processing was put on hold, and in turn my Lioness went into her cave to sleep. This morning, the topic came unexpectedly roaring back to the surface, and with it, her eyes popped open, she rolled up from her side, at the ready, and licked her lips, looking for an opening. (BTW...I do NOT need to apologize.). Being firmly trapped in a vanilla PG professional setting kept her at bay, but I could feel her quiet purr of satisfaction in my head at his nearness like it was my own damn breath.
But being contained by life couldn't contain my instinctive response.
My nipples hardened.
My cunt wept.
And fuck me, I am pretty sure I growled out loud in the office bullpen in the sky. SMH
This headspace officially isn't a one off.
None of it is...
I’d accepted that from the beginning, I couldn’t think around him.
Months ago, I’d accepted that the tidal wave of energy that erupts between us when we're in proximity isn't going to abate.
Truth is truth, and I willingly bleed on its cold sharp edge, but acknowledging and accepting reality doesn't mean I'm comfortable with it.
I tried to explain that I was still processing my uncontrollable Lioness. His response: "You should probably stop trying to figure out how you feel about that, you love it. lol"
I'd never sent him what I'd originally drafted a month ago nor spoken to him about it. Yet He plucked my thoughts like ripe figs begging to be devoured.
My response, and I say this with much love: Fuck you, V~...for seeing, for knowing, for making me lose my shit. lol
Again...no one gave me a heads up that primal would be so...not controllable.
Thankfully, He enjoys my Lioness. Though I warned him...He may need to grab her by the hair n shake her or pin her again if her way ain't matchin His way and he needs her to pay attention. LOL For the life of me I can't find a way to NOT enjoy those outcomes either. SMH...it'll be a fucking miracle if we don't break something or get a fine for public indecency.
~DominaKat
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