In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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Primal Surrender

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02.13.24
My last post was an attempt to release the frantic need for Him clawing through my mind and soul.  It didn't help much.  I had to drown myself in the intellectual distractions of startup plans instead while I tried in vain to ignore my lioness as she continued to batter against the cage of her reality: vanilla work, doctor's post-dental surgery instructions, a damn Nor'easter.  Finally last night, exhausted, she tucked her tail, curled into a ball, and fell silent and still.  

There was no more fight left in her.  

There isn't any today either.

Again...
I don't want to talk to anyone.
Hear anyone.
See anyone.
Touch anyone.

My lioness just wants to hide away in her cave.  She doesn't give a fuck about being responsible or being social or the fucking world.  

Only He can soothe her and rouse her from her retreat and sleep.  Though tonight she would be hard pressed to summon any of the energy from her last post.  However, there will be no soothing due to reality's continued cage.

As I read the words from two days ago, I realized how little of my lioness' submission to Him was apparent in that uncivilized state.  The truth is...none of her untamed wants will manifest without His desire for it.  My lioness acquiesces completely to Him.  She rarely acts of her own accord, and instead waits for Him to call her.  

His will is her will.  

Alone in the quiet stillness of my sanctuary, there is little comfort I can provide her.  However, seeing her, acknowledging her, and thinking through my primal surrender brings her... me... us... some small sliver of solace.



I have dropped my guards and allowed Him full access to me.

I have sheathed my claws.
I have let go of my pride.
I have given Him my trust.
I have given whatever He asked of my body.
I have allowed His touch to become home.
I would rest contentedly at His feet.

And some of the most difficult for me of all...
I would take food, comfort, and reassurance from His hand.

I submit to His desires.

His timeline and pace.
His needs and wants.
His when and where and how and why.
His logic.
His choices.
His decisions.

I have given in to the emotions He has inspired in me.

I will nurture the healing of His wounds.
I will feed His strength.
I will stand watch and guard Him.
I will protect Him and His.
I will fight for Him.

I heed to His slightest of commands.

A whispered word.
The touch of His hand.
The shift of His body.
The flicker of stress in His expression.
The sparkle or darkness that dances in His eyes.
The smile that tugs at the corner of His lips.

I have already surrendered to the place I hope He may one day choose to take in my life.

I will hunt with Him.
I will destroy for Him.
I will empower Him in any way I can offer.
I will give.
I will serve.
I will obey.



I should be unsettled by that long list, but I'm no longer surprised by her response to Him.  The rest of my personalities understand there is no pulling back or changing course.  Instead of simply keeping watch as she has for over a decade, she has made her choice.  It is what it is, and the depth of my primal surrender isn't something I can ignore or pretend doesn't hold significant meaning.  I can do nothing but surrender to her instincts.

May she and Him guide me to where I am truly meant to be.
~DominaKat

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