The Embers

I knew from the beginning we could be amazing, but every time we take a step or a leap forward, I'm a little in awe of what I find.

The calm, steady, and the quiet of Him...
holds me in a way I've never felt.  Solid, secure, grounded deep in the Earth like a mighty sequoia, yet there's an indescribable freedom and flow and lightness that let's me dance with butterflies and moonbeams.  

The joy of light and laughter...
took my breath away and filled me to overflowing.  The doors and cabinets and hidden nooks willingly opened to see deeper.  Long walks on the beach.  Playful teasing.  Hands held.  Smiles and hugs and kisses.  All of it...Pure magic and wonder.

The bliss of physical work, logical collaboration, and addicting progress...
my bones, my muscles, my pores, my soul drank it all in after being starved so long from the purpose and act of doing.  I can't even explain...it's that trusted North Star—His Vision and Direction—that fuels it all.  

I shake my head trying to catch and organize all my thoughts and emotions.  It's been more than a week.  I've started and still haven't finished so many posts.  That Man...He leaves me...scrambling...in disarray...trying to catch up.  LOL

And that's before I even consider how He so calmly struck a match and started another set of fires.  ~deep content sigh~  As I watch that pile of embers crumple to ashes, I smile softly and lose myself in the memories.  

The contentment of the practical and domestic...  
I never knew.  I never understood.  I never even imagined.  But the scattered pieces that I've touched briefly now and then over my life come together for Him as if they were simply waiting for His arrival.  Even if only for moments at a time...He's given Kat a place to exist.

The nights spent in calm, peaceful sleep with His heartbeat under my fingertips...

Such a common, easy act for most, yet for me it's always been a struggle.  Even on the night of my ill-fated wedding I had to escape.  Yet for Him and from the very beginning...I naturally surrender.

And our darkness and passion....

The feel of His tongue stroking against mine.  The sheer intensity of His gaze.  My head lowering to the cool tile floor.  The feel and taste of Him...of His Rain.  The beautiful hot shower and His practical hands that nearly made me weep.  To be cared for so thoroughly?  He fucking unravels me...takes me carefully apart piece by piece and let Him see what no one else has dared to try and find.

There aren't adequate words to express how deeply the moments with Him move me.  

I am not the same woman I was a year ago.  

I am a better me.  

I am more of me.  

I maybe even finally be all of me.

Those embers flicker and fade...

I know what He did...what we did.

He knows what He did...what we did.  

My words He once read are somewhere in His Vault, and He's making His way through that list.

The unacknowledged Truth feels understood.

I ask myself...

What must be said?

Does any of it need to be said?

Yes...

Eventually.

When He decides it's time.

Words will be spoken.

The intention and commitment fully owned by us both.

For now though...

I sweep up so many of the pages and lines that He has set aflame from my rule book, and (aside from "How soon can we do it all again and again?" lol) I wonder…What now?

What visions and possibilities does He consider?

What steps will He Lead us to take next? 

What future will He choose to aim toward, unfold, and build with me?

He may never really say.

But it doesn't matter.

I just know...

I will follow.  
~DominaKat

~~~Bigger Perspective Thoughts~~~

Our personal rule books and even those rules of our communities and families are often born...

From our mistakes and the hard lessons we've learned.

Of our wounds and battle scars.

Out of our values and ideals.

In search of our hopes and dreams.

With our goals and future in mind.

Our rule books are meant to keep each of us and all that we value most from harm.

In M/s, we are preach first and foremost that we should find those who will honor and respect our boundaries and rules.  However, that's an incomplete calculation, impossible of a solution.  Folks rarely talk about second half of the equation of M/s, too busy hammering away at the importance and challenge of the initial step.

For us little letters, our second half is to find that BIG letter who will know, understand, and recognize when our rules that kept us safe for so long are no longer necessary and instead hold us back—someone we can trust and who is worthy of holding our rule books, knowing as well as accepting that everything in it is their's to break and burn.

For BIG letters, the rest of their equation looks a little different.  Their challenge is to find a little letter who inspires their own rule breaking and fuels an evolution in their own journey in order to discover new beginnings and reach new heights.

Working through and finding the pieces of our own calculus isn't easy.  However, if we work hard on ourselves eventually we make our way to solid ground, and if we're extremely lucky and very blessed, maybe find a rare, special someone or even a tribe where all those things are possible.

To a place...

Where we trust ourselves.

Where we trust the energy guiding us.

Where we trust those around us.

It's been a little more than five years since I wrote out my rules.

I trust myself and my submission now.

I trust the rich, beautiful energy that calls to me.

I trust Him.

My rule book is and has been in His strong, capable hands.

The pages are His to claim, tear out, and burn at will.

I've thrown all my cards on His table.

And I've never felt more at peace with risk and what could be.