This Too Shall Pass, Right?

I am where I am for reasons that are not public fodder.  Why I'm here isn't the point.

Where I am is.

For a while now, I haven't been able to find peace with my submission or harmony with my sacred.  Every day I fight to turn away from frustration, anger, and bitterness.  I fight every day, hour, moment to reach for positive.

It's a fucking struggle.

I distrust my submission and service to take me anywhere good.
I doubt the reality of Dominance that's more than a temporary surface level masquerade.
I wonder if I will ever again find grace.

With the momentary exceptions of pure compersion when I happen to witness the divinity in others' authority exchange dynamics...confusion, pain, and emptiness have been my only companions as I try to regain my balance and figure out how the fuck to move forward in my journey.

I recognize that I'm in a state of recovery, but that awareness does not dull the fucking ache.  This isn't anything special.  I'm not going through anything a million-billion others haven't faced before and won't face in the future.  It happens at some point to us all.

It is what it is.

Some days are worse than others, especially when I'm faced with reminders I didn't expect and have defenses in place for.  I've limped along with the help of a busy schedule, service to my community, social engagements with friends, and stuffing my kinky intellect, but those have only partially distracted me from the utter screaming silence in my heart, body, and soul.

However I may have found what I've been missing...that foundational piece I need to stand on right now ~ or cling to depending on the day/moment ~ as I face my new future.

At various points in this journey we take, we simply have to take a leap of fucking faith.

I'd forgotten that part.

For me it's...
Not faith in my submission.
Not faith that Dominance actually exists somewhere.
Not faith that I'll ever again experience grace.

Sorry...at times like this it isn't about faith that our greatest wishes will come true.  It's more basic than all that.

Faith that I'm where I'm supposed to be in this moment.
Faith that this IS a part of my journey.
Faith that if I keep stepping toward positive, I'll end up somewhere positive however that may look.
Faith that eventually, I won't be here feeling/not feeling like this.

No, faith does not take away the confusion or the pain or the emptiness.  I have to accept, embrace, and suffer through those brutal emotional knots as they come.  Faith will just keep me from suffocating on all of that muck.

~sigh~  For the moment I'm no longer panicked at this struggle, and that's enough.
~DominaKat

IMPORTANT Note: 
Don't fucking misinterpret any of this post.  I don't usually let very many hear of my pain.  I no longer let anyone actually SEE let alone touch my pain.  That's not my thing.  My lioness simply withdraws quietly to her cave to lick her wounds safely in private.  Look for victims, bad guys, and drama somewhere else.

This post is for the benefit of those who NEED to read my words - whose pain is even greater than mine and need some small sliver of hope.  I don't want anyone's pity or compassion or kindness.  Keep that shit for someone who finds some sort of solace in that stuff.  There are plenty on Fet begging for sympathy showers.

IOW...don't post some sympathetic crap comment.  I'll delete it.  Because that's not why I posted.  If it's flat out killing you not to write SOMETHING in the comments, send me a link to a thought provoking non-depressing post, a good book, a cool event/class/munch, or a great art-worthy kinky pic.  Otherwise just keep on perving...