In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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To Play with My Pain

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My Masochist v3.1

At last month's S&M Discussion Group, we discussed the varying goals of play.[https://fetlife.com/users/9560269/posts/5635688].

Common Goals for BOTH S- and M-types:
  • Introduction/Exploratory | to introduce a new type of play/instrument
  • Pleasure | to experience some form of pleasure (including sensual/erotic)
  • Escape | to forget the world and concentrate only on the moment
  • Service | to provide pleasure/service to others (emphasis is on the partner’s experience)
  • Maintenance | to maintain balance, emotional/mental space, practice
  • D/s Reinforcement | to reinforce D/s roles and dynamics
  • Feed the Monster | to provide yourself opportunity to be yourself/let your monster play
  • Catharsis | to release emotional/mental/physical negative energy
  • Ordeal | to deliver/endure/conquer a trial
  • Competitive/Primal | to combat as a fundamental part of play often in primal personas.
  • Punishment/Discipline | to give/receive corrective action for a misdeed by the bottom (NOT Fun-ishment)
As a part of this discussion I referenced:
  • My Top's Perspective...I want to be the author of your Pain/the conductor to your symphony of Pain 
  • How my Top approaches negotiations...I ask what is your relationship with Pain today?  Because based on emotions, circumstances, etc...that relationship may look different that the previous encounters or even what had previously been negotiated.
Well...since I look ahead to exploring my masochist, I'm long overdue for my masochist to settle on realistic goals and answer my own questions!

Goals
My solo status eliminates a number of potential S&M goals.  Service, D/s Reinforcement, and Punishment/Discipline simply aren't relevant without an Authority Exchange, and AE is not something I engage in casually.  Catharsis and Ordeal are also off the table as those are too intimate and emotionally heavy to burden friends.  Pleasure - at least the sexual kind - falls in a similar category since my sex drive is in a coma without a mate.  Though who knows...maybe Pain even without a Partner is enough to get me to spontaneously combust.  It's happened before, just not in a service top situation.  Competitive/Primal...mmmm...my Lioness is always a part of me, and my smartmouth and competitive nature will likely play a part in most any S&M play, but this mood/goal is typically hella sexual.  ~wicked grin~  So not a primary goal for friendly S&M play.

Narrowing down the list leaves me with a pretty accurate representation of where I'm at in my masochistic journey.

  • Intro/Explore | Absolutely!  I want to discover, learn, grow!
  • Escape | Oh yeah...let me stop thinking for a damn minute.
  • Maintenance |  Since it's been over a year since I've played, I'm definitely in need of a damn tune up!
  • Feed the Monster | Fuck the fuck yes...an opportunity for my beast to run and howl and test its limits!!!  Grrrrrrr....

What is my relationship to Pain?
Answering this is trickier.  While I've flushed much out in My Masochist v3.0[http://www.dominakat.com/2019/03/my-masochist-v30-how-to-explore.html], that post was a more objective, intellectual exercise.  "My relationship to Pain?" is loaded with personal and emotions.  Since my entry into the lifestyle 10 years ago, only my three long term partners have genuinely tapped into my masochist.  Being [Partner-centric/Sado-centric][https://fetlife.com/users/590518/posts/4440925].  They introduced me to Pain, but were always intermediaries.

Pain and I have yet to sit down one on one and get to know the fundamentals of each other, so any sessions would essentially be my first real dates with Pain.  I want to discover what Pain looks, sounds, smells, tastes, feels like.  I want to learn the different escalating levels we might share between us.  What personality traits of Pain will delight me or torment me?  In general, I want a long, in-depth conversation with Pain to begin building a consensual meaningful dialog and relationship.

I wonder...what secrets Pain will whisper in my ear?
I wonder...what Pain might show me of myself?

~wicked grin~  Damn, this shit is fun!
~DominaKat

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