In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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The Climb to the Next Step

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Anyone who knows me or has been in a class/discussion/panel/meeting with me knows I have something to say about 85% of the time.  I don't speak from ego or for attention.  I'm an idealist, so the ideas and discussion are my focus and where I find my passion.  Seriously...I can get wet from conference sessions.  ~eye roll~  I'm weird.  I know.  My point is...the learning, discussing, knowledge sharing is my zen!

While I try not to speak unless my comments, thoughts, or ideas have relevance to the discussion, the value of my words is always subjective to the listener, and since my attention is trained on the presentation or discussion at hand, I'm usually oblivious to whether my words resonate to people.  This is pretty much the case with my writings as well.  I don't write for an audience.  I write to unpack, sort through, and assemble the puzzle pieces in my mind.  

Over time as I've attended community events and even created and/or hosted my own events, I started to get random unsolicited feedback.  "Thank you for speaking up.  That really resonated with me." or "I'm so glad you're here.  You always add to the discussion." or "I loved what you said about x, y, z."  I'm always a little shocked.  Me?  I helped you?!? Huh.

Over time...the same thing has happened with my writings.  Strangers would email me their appreciation at having stumbled across my words.  Something I'd written - whether yesterday or five years ago - would deeply affect them and their journey.  I'm always profoundly humbled when the rattlings of my mind have positively impacted someone else. 

Over the last two or three years, after being in the community for a minute.  I started bouncing ideas and concepts off of those closest to me, and asking...Where's the book on this?  Where's the presentation on this?  Despite their collective wealth of experience at kink and leather classes, conferences, books, and discussions...they'd patiently explain to my stubborn oblivious ass they'd never heard anyone frame x, y, or z like that.  That's good.  You should write that up... You should do a class... You should...

Me?  But I still don't know what I don't know.  

It's that inherent submissive trait to defer to others.  Or maybe it's imposter syndrome.  Or simply my default wiring to serve others instead of self.  I dunno.

I just know that around the time the pandemic hit, I finally started to believe maybe I had ideas of substance to offer the kink & leather community.  It took me even longer to organize all my thoughts and even longer still to get my shit down on paper/as presentations - two plus years in fact.  So here it is...

My list of classes as of May 2022:
Individual class details posted separately. 

  • The Goals (Why's) of S&M
  • The Art of S&M | Scenecrafting Basics
  • The Journey of Ally to Advocate to Warrior for Marginalized Communities in the Lifestyle
  • The Service Languages of M/s

Tremendous DEEP gratitude to my informal personal Board of Directors:  silent, Mr. CL, BlackMusic, DeeDee Dahmer.  While MANY have fed me on my path, these four each contributed SIGNIFICANTLY to my journey in the Lifestyle over the last five years.  Their unfailing belief in me, patience with me, consistency, kindness, support, encouragement, and ass kicking when needed helped me to grow, evolve, and thrive.  I wouldn't be here without each of you, and I am forever in your debt.
~DominaKat

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