This is a follow up to my previous post:
The Debate of Poly Goals.
*** Disclaimers and Clarifications Up Front ***
No, I don't at ALL believe poly is done one way. Nothing in the realm of kinky relationships is ever done in one uniform way. I also understand that not every poly situation has a hierarchy, but many do, especially in my peer group. It's my reality, and I need to find the best strategies for me. (There's the door if that doesn't sit well with you.) I sincerely seek others' examples and insights. With knowledge and understanding, I hope to make informed decisions/choices. I often feel as if I'm lacking the right words to communicate well or that I have a practical vision on what is possible or not possible. With continued conversations I hope to change that. Now...on with the mayhem and mischief. ")
Based on various sessions of recent feedback, I continue to get the distinct impression that in
GENERAL non-nesting poly-dynamics don't seem to gravitate toward relationship goals. In fact whenever I bring up goals in the context of poly, my questions tend to rile up folks like bees buzzing through a garden party brunch. (
Again, I'm genuinely NOT trying to aggravate or offend.) But....Bzzzz...bzzzz...bzzz......
The Relationship Box
In response to my curiosity and gravitational pull toward goals, some have suggested that I set a predetermined relationship goal that I outline upfront to potential partners. However, my potential with someone in a box from the beginning feels unnatural. While I do have several types of dynamics I'm interested in and a long list of boundaries, when I meet someone with potential, it is not my intention to force anything into some precise vision I have in my mind. Authentic and organic tend to allow more room for truth and reality. Negotiations of relationships allows room for life and reality. When I feel that recognition of a kindred spirit or a special little zap of chemistry with someone, I get to know them and discover/realize what might be possible between us...friends, family/tribe, business partners, lovers, serious relationship, Owner/property, etc.
However...maybe
I'm the one that keeps getting shoved into a box, and I never recognized it.
Pre-Determined Boundaries
Most pre-existing couples (married/significant others) tend to do some heavy negotiations before they even stick a toe into the poly pond. At least if they have a lick of sense they do. Boundaries, restrictions, permission/veto policies, etc are hashed out and laid in place in order to protect their existing investment in one another. Long before I (or any other potential tertiary partner) even enter the picture, I'm already in a bit of a box. Maybe not a small tiny box but definitely some variation of here is where you are allowed to exist.
Being limited is not inherently good or bad. In fact, more often than not, I agree with and thrive in those limitations due to my practical solo-poly-ish habits. In fact, I also have pre-existing boundaries that need to be signed off on. We all do. However, inevitably somewhere in the journey that box can get irritating as fuck, especially when the walls start to shrink and get redefined due to others' insecurities and I have no say in the fact. (If this has NEVER happened to you, please let me know because it's been
my experience every damn time.)
When that box begins to get too confining, my patience eventaully wears done and resentment builds, and eventually to save myself from suffocating on the collapsing structure, I find the exit route. Surprisingly, I don't regret any of my experiences to date. Each relationship taught me much about myself, about love, about my values, about others. I've been able to walk away from the ruins knowing I did my best and loved as well as I could at the time. My only regret is in the one dynamic where he and I were never able to reach our full potential. In fact, we never came close. It's the possibilities that haunt me. Just as they drive me from the start.
Current Culture's Box Limits
Too often I get the impression of "temporariness" with poly dynamics. Not that that is unreasonable. Most relationships DO break up, but starting off with a "throw away" expectation is a completely different thing than keeping a foot deep in the mud of reality. Unless agreed upon by all parties, a "throw away" mentality to relationships seems a sincere waste of time and effort. ~shrug~ (Maybe it's just me and the fact that I'm not just in this for attention and likes.)
But maybe I need to face the fact that I live in a world where my approach of commitment and longevity is drown out by our culture of swipe left or right for the new fresh thing. Maybe it's not just that folks aren't interested in goals, but that they also make instant judgements that are nearly unshakable. They see something, categorize it, and aren't interested in seeing or valuing anything beyond what they first recognized.
I've faced that challenge more than once in the last decade. Some saw a bitch. Some saw the whore. Some saw Alfred. Some saw the submissive. Some saw a valuable possession. Very, very few could see beyond the first box they stuck me in. Fewer still took the time and made the investment to explore and value me...all of me...hell even HALF of me! ~sigh~ If I AM getting trapped in someone else's predefined relationship box, then there is no point in me hoping to set any goals. We'll never get beyond the box they non-consensually shoved me in.
Beyond Emotions and Chemistry
Maybe those suggestions of predetermined goals aren't so bad after all. Maybe in order to avoid suffocating in someone else's box, I need to quit relying on emotions and chemistry to spark possibility and get clinical in what kind of big ass possibility having box
I'M willing to step into. From there it's up to me to negotiate my ass of to get what I want, but damn...somehow approaching it with that cold hard kind of logic seems to spoil the magic.
And if there's no longer any magic, why the fuck even try anymore?
I dunno. I really don't. ~sigh~
I prefer the magic.
Even if it hurts in the end, at least I had the opportunity to bask in the presence of magic for a moment.
~DominaKat
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