A couple years ago I attended an absolutely great class, Masco-curious? It was my third local kink event in the city, and it added MUCH to my personal thought arsenal on S&M. This small, casual, humble class led by two very different masochists opened about a half dozen doorways for me and was instrumental in putting me on the path that has led to my today. (I seriously can't thank them enough!) Despite doing lifestyle shit and being on Fet for the previous seven years, my "education" had truly been limited, based primarily on whatever my partners during that time were comfortable with or various anecdotal writings rather than a study of the craft.
~~~ IMPORTANT SIDEBAR ~~~ Yes! I said CRAFT! What we do is a CRAFT, and in order to MASTER the CRAFT of S&M you need to study, study, practice, practice, and do more of both almost infinitely! No...ya don't get good at this shit by buying equipment at the mainstream "spice up your sex life" store or by reading/watching porn, folks. There are theories, ideas, approaches, and techniques that can and will dramatically influence your success.
One of the most insightful concepts I learned that night was the differing sources of a player's energy/pleasure/satisfaction,"sado-centric" vs "maso-centric." This premise brought together a number of different thoughts I'd had in my own journey. In fact, I believe there may have been fireworks ricocheting around in my brain matter. LOL
Sado-centric |
- A sadist is considered sado-centric if his/her satisfaction is based on his/her own internal pleasure/response to the scene/giving Pain.
- A masochist is considered sado-centric if his/her satisfaction/pleasure is centered around the desire to please/engage in these activities for their sadist and his/her response. Often heavy submissives/slaves are oriented toward sado-centric or what I call a "partner-centric" energy source. (More on "partner-centric" in a bit.)
Maso-centric |
- A sadist is considered maso-centric if his/her satisfaction is a reflection of the masochist's response. Often a Service Top falls in this type of maso-centric/partner-centric energy source.
- A masochist is maso-centric when the dominating drive to engage in a scene is their own pleasure/fulfillment/enjoyment of Pain.
There is no right or wrong approach nor does one style negate the other. As with all things kink, everyone falls in their own place on the spectrum. However, play is likely more satisfying for all involved when their energies are compatible or at least thoroughly acknowledged as part of negotiations. WHY we do what we do is key to understanding the best strategies for success aka finding partners and play that meet our needs and wants.
Example:
- Sado/maso-centric tendencies may influence (not determine just influence) both s/m's ability/interest to participate in "pick up play."
- A sado-centric masochist and maso-centric sadist (Service Top)may struggle in negotiations. The s-focused masochist will seeks ways to please the sadist, while the m-focused sadist also endeavors to determine ways to please the masochist. Answering the "What do you want to experience/try?" question becomes a circling game of "I dunno. What do you want?"
After the intro to sado/maso-centric, my post-class thought process applied the same idea to M/s and D/s dynamics as partner-centric or self-centric.
I am a naturally a heavy partner-centric s-type, identifying as property, which in turn makes me a sado-centric masochist. The desire to please my primary Partner tends to fuel much of my service/direction within a Power Exchange dynamic as well as my pain tolerance/threshold in S&M play. His hunger can bring me to my knees. His pleasure can send mine into orbit. His delight and pride in my pain can push me to masochist bliss! Hot-Hot-HOTNESS!!!
However, in the last two years with the help a VERY persistent *lawyer*, the gentle nudges from a wise slave, and my previous Sir who consistently urged me to fly, I've worked HARD to nurture my own inner energy source. It's fucking work. I'm not necessarily re-programming myself, more... adding an additional layer of code that accesses at least a portion of my pleasure-center.
My development of this "backdoor" may alarm Masters/Owners/Sadists who might benefit most from my natural partner-centric style, but to be blunt...I am tired of waiting around for you to show the fuck up AND get it right in order for me to find bliss! I refuse to put my kink journey on hold anymore for a someday Partner. There is TOO much out there to experience, learn, and relish for me to sit patiently on the sidelines. It's also completely impractical to believe that any one Partner can show me all there is to kink or BDSM. Also...Why should I be forced to skip out on fire play, rope play, or whip play just because my Partner doesn't have the skill set or refuses to learn? Hence...that additional layer of code to a portion of that sweet spot in my brain.
Notice I said "a portion." Unfortunately much of my coding is hard-wired in certain areas, particularly sexual. I'm
demi-sexual, so without a primary Partner and that intimate Partner-centric energy I don't enjoy sex - at least not what I classify as "enjoy." It's...meh and not worth my time or energy. However, when I have a primary Partner who I'm connected with...oooh!!! I am a "greedy," "hungry," "insatiable" "force of nature" according to others. LOL ~shrug~ I dunno. I just am me.
How much of my masochist is hard-wired, I'm still determining. More on that in the next post, but I've had to put in the mental work to tug out my maso-centric wants and needs from under my sado-centric mindset. At times, it has been a struggle. My budding Sadist has helped though. That
Lil Monster is very sado-centric/self-centric.
While I occasional Topped, I wasn't always a Sadist, but a little over a year ago, I started to hear this tiny, twisted, cruel ice bitch voice in the far back corner of my head that crackled in glee at the control and fucked-up-ed-ness of whatever Top scene I was orchestrating. Once I admitted to myself that yep...that's my sadistic Lil Monster, I had to cultivate (still am actually) that listening in order to allow that right side of the crop/flogger/whip energy to bloom.
I think that's the key for us all - intentional and continual (because time and experiences spark change) listening to our internal voice(s) without judgement and with unbiased acceptance. Only then can we find our various truths and take the necessary steps to sate our innermost needs and wants. Huh...maybe that make us all self-centric from the start. LOL
Play safe. Play well.
~DominaKat
Comments
Post a Comment