Yep...I finally had that serious first date with Pain.
My ass felt like the sun! In addition to the post play physical after effects, there were the dozens of mental ah-ha! moments. Soooo many initial answers found and lessons learned. Damn...I love what we do!
As I mentioned in
To Play with My Pain, I've always had an intermediary in most of my early meetings with Pain. Maybe intermediary wasn't the right word...more like translator. Being
sado-centric/partner-centric, Pain spoke to me through the context of my relationship and my Partner's pleasure and satisfaction. If it spoke directly to me, it was mostly introductions or incidental pleasantries.
Although the last time I'd played with my previous Sir over a year ago, I would say that I'd definitely
lost our translator for the majority of that session. I hadn't felt connected with Him like I should have, and it showed...or more accurately was FELT. LOL That experience challenged my beliefs about how much I enjoyed Pain, and as I pondered my intent to engage in S&M outside of a romantic relationship, I wondered just how well Pain and I would get along without a translator relationship to cushion the blow.
Turns out...Pain is not only an intriguing conversationalist, but
Pain is also an outstanding dance partner. Seriously...fan-fucking-tastic evening. Read the dance partner link for the sexiness. This one is all about the learnings.
Trust (Vetting) & Negotiations
Even though I'd likely ratcheted up a long list of paybacks for various smart ass comments (hehehe!) and even though I'd never been in this type of platonic play partner situation, no part of me was nervous. I can't say enough about 1. VETTING (I'd know the Sadist years, so that was long ago out of the way, but for fuck sake...learn whether or not you trust the person who's about to throw Pain in your direction.) and 2. NEGOTIATIONS. Talk-talk-talk and then TALK some more. Agree on the goal of the scene, the hard limits, the general direction/tone of the scene, but no, don't micromanage and suck all the fun out of it!
Those two processes are the dance floor for Pain and a masochist. You won't be able to enjoy the dance if you don't have some basic trust parameters in place to smooth the surface. Even if negotiations only last 10 minutes, communicate well and pay attention to the responses, which will tell you much.
When i know I’ve communicated clearly on everything critical and received the Top’s acknowledgement as well as his follow up questions and basic details on his approach to show me he gets me...I avoid doubt, hesitation, and nervousness because I’m confident we’ve lined up expectations where possible. As in every other facet of my life, I prep to the best of my abilities, considering all the angles, and when it’s showtime...let's go. It’s gonna be what it’s gonna be.
I let the scene unfold, curious what that "be" was gonna look like...sound like...FEEL like.
Setting/Prep | Getting Comfortable
Given our years-long friendship and the other scenes I'd watched him directed, we played in a neutral private space. The combination of both allowed me a freedom that any other setting/Top would not have given me. Pain got a 100% authentic, unfiltered response.
I'd played privately with significant others before, but in nearly every one of those situations my partner-centric tendencies were heavily engaged, so there was some measure of being good, of pleasing my partner, of ego to perform up to par. There was NONE of that here. I had zero internal pressure to please. <~No...seriously...read that again. For me that was HUGE!
I also wasn't on a "stage" for others to devour, so pride/ego weren’t relevant. Caution—making sure i didn’t give anyone any reason to question him—also wasn’t relevant. SERIOUS value in both that I'd never really considered. I let myself play/be a bit silly which I wouldn’t have done “on stage.” Though that a stage likely allows for different things in me...taps into my exhibitionist...and maybe even a bit of my sexual energy. Hmmmm...
Wicked Instruments of My Destruction
Dragon tails...yum. Whips...omg YES! Rubber...that shit is HELL! Errrr...
A flogger...I've made many smart ass comments about floggers the last few years. Without question, I'd lost my infatuation with them. Let's just say I was re-introduced to the flogger. LOL Its Pain took on a different tone, tenor, voice. One I'd never heard or felt. Like stunning thunder, the vibrations of its punch rumbled through me to my toes, my fingertips, my very breath. ~whew~ I may be infatuated again! May? Naaa...I am. Was it the weight? The material? The throw? Sooo many variations that can influence the delivery!
However, the most fascinating surprise/introduction of the evening? Knives! Where the FUCK have those sexy bitches been my entire kink life?!? The feeling was sooooo precise. Despite their silence, I could HEAR the Pain on my skin in a way no other tool compares. Wow! Wow! WOW! Knives nudged something visceral in me. Are they sexual? Primal? I don't know yet. It was only an intro after all, but my curiosity is piqued!
While all the tools are delightful, it truly is the Sadist/Service Top that makes the magic happen. Those skills should not be underestimate or taken for granted. I had never grasped what a diverse dance partner Pain could be, even with the same instrument. So many nuances to weave together like a master magician.
Oh and...Accuracy. A blessing and a curse. No matter what instrument may be delivering the Pain, a ST's precision at landing on the same place over and over is a bitch! LOL I genuinely hadn’t considered the longer term implications of location, but I definitely understood it the next day. Apparently my fat ass was a target before the word go, and it felt like a cheese grater had gnawed at the bottom moons of my booty! Maybe I SHOULD reconsider how my smart mouth might contribute? LOL Naaaa...where's the fun in THAT???
My Whore, Alfred, My Sadist
I enjoyed myself IMMENSELY! However, I understood in the first fifteen minutes that not all of me was present in the scene. That's NOT a reflection of Pain, of the ST, or of the scene. It’s truly a RARE moment when ALL of me is in full force. An easy example...my Top/Sadist (aka My Lil Monster) mindset and my deepest right side of the slash property heartset don’t often coexist in a moment. It's nearly impossible. (Notice I said "nearly." More on that another day.)
At the beginning of my date with Pain, my Alfred side tried to engage with my dance partner. Definitely a first, but my mind is/was simply fascinated with the art, craft and mastery of delivering Pain. I wanted to watch what tools he used, how he threw, how he orchestrated the scene. Alfred frantically tried to scribble notes for my own internal Sadist who was watching appreciatively from the sidelines of my mind. However, the ST quickly caught on that I was overthinking every-fucking-thing and forced Alfred to hand over the reins to my masochist. In other words, complex thoughts became impossible. LOL Lesson here: I can't have that nosy bitch, Alfred, in the room with me. She gets in the way of my pleasure and masochistic harmony.
Pain never met my whore—the whole coma thing—nor did he dance with my s-side. Because of those fundamental missing pieces, Pain unfortunately couldn't reach my soul. Although there was one exception. A classical piece of music, The Messiah HWV56, came up on the play list as he whipped me. It wasn't my favorite bit of classical (I'm more of a Beethoven and Bach girl.), but it was enough. During those three and a half minutes, Pain brushed my soul with the tenderest of butterfly kisses as if it understood I couldn't withstand the full force of masochistic bliss that day. I could handle those kisses and the serenity of the moment, and that was more than enough to reassure me of my masochist's ability.
ALL this truly reflects where I am with life right now. I'm...okay with that. It was authentic, genuine, pure. Who I am today FULLY enjoyed myself because I'm deliberately repositioning the different pieces of me to embrace opportunities. However, more and more I resent my whore and my submissive’s absence from my consciousness. The last week or two that feeling has grown, and I need to short-circuit those negative emotions and instead reach for positive. I was consciously working at that a while ago, and the rise of negativity reinforces my need to pick up again the practices of meditation, yoga, and dance.
My Response to Solo Pain
After the first bit of introductions, only my masochist was present. For over 90 minutes, she took a kaleidoscope of Pain. She responded with groans, moans, growls, whimpers, sucks of desperately needed air. With clenched fists and pounding palms. Even jazz hands—compliments of the devil rubber I believe. Those were definitely a new expression of pain processing. Those are NOT a thing I do...have NEVER been a thing I do. I laugh at myself now, but it is what it is. Definitely a sign of me a bit...frazzled.
My masochist likes to move...dance to the music. I am audio centric as hell, and our date proved to me just how deeply that personality trait runs, especially when the classical music came on. Toward the end, he took away much of my ability to move. Damn, I did love the sound those straps made! ") I wasn't full immobile, but being strapped down to a large ottoman definitely stripped away the pain processing of swaying my hips to the music.
How much of a role the bondage played versus simply time, I'll never know, but within two or three songs after a whack of something (I don't even remember what) I found myself shockingly on the verge of sobbing.
I rarely cry, and I'd never even anticipated the possibility of that response. I know—extremely short-sighted on my part. The shock of coming to that line combined with my completely cluelessness of how to deal with it forced me to tap out and safeword back to known, negotiated territory.
It may seem naive, but I only associate tears with severe emotional turmoil. Something I let very very few witness. Yes, I've cried in a scene. However, there were either heavy D/s elements at play, or my D/M was punishing me. The crying wasn't from Pain alone. The bizarro place of being completely fine emotionally and mentally but needing to sob left me totally confused and unprepared.
I get it...a half hour or 45 minutes at a station at a party/dungeon might not bring someone to that point unless other factors are involved. However, during two hours with a talented ST, who brings intense energy, the pain rises and must unleash from the body/mind somehow.
Fascinating! This need to cry...what might I discover/learn behind that door??? However, for me to feel comfortable in going there would require serious negotiations. I have a fundamental belief that tears are a burden on others, so I’m completely at a loss to how their appearance might be taken in the context of S&M.
Note: I do wonder if in the very end, Pain caught a glimpse of my MIA s-side. Hmmmm...but I'm not chasing that squirrel right now.
No, our date wasn't the same as Partner play by any means. There was no cushion without the translator of a romantic relationship. There were no slippery sexual overtones to smooth Pain's entry and exit. It was rawer, more...elemental.
When I lived at the FOS in Ohio and had a few private acres at my disposal, I'd often go out in summer thunderstorms and strip down to nothing. It was still the exact same storm it was two minutes beforehand, but the feeling of hundreds or rain drops hitting typically hidden skin and the wind caressing every inch of me and the thunder licking every nerve ending was exhilarating beyond measure. I miss those beautiful solitary moments between me and nature. My dance with Pain that day was the closest I've come to those moments since I moved to NYC. ~sigh~ Again...I am so very grateful for the experience.
Other Masochistic Learnings
- I took more than I thought I’d take given how long it’s been.
- I felt more Pain and more TYPES of Pain than I remember feeling. WOW!!! The variation definitely impacted my ability to get used to any one thing.
- My partner-centric tendencies...do they actually help in pain processing or create a bubble that hinders Pain's voice. Is there a difference?
- Partial bondage had zero effect on me mentally or emotionally.
- Post play I was genuinely very confident. Even though I’m always looking for where/what I can improve, with our narrow scope of goals, I didn't have any....emotional performance anxiety. My s also wasn't there to seek any type of Partner's/D-types approval.
- Non-anticipated post play thing...For weeks, I would get soooo get distracted remembering the Pain! A delayed reaction, the Pain sank into my psyche over time. Reprogramming. Reassociating. Reconnecting.
- Note to self: The aftercare communications provide too many insights if the masochist is honest. LOL I fully recognize the conundrum a fellow masochist often mentions: contributing to your own demise. Drawbacks of aftercare...sadistic planning and fine tuning.
I have a list of follow up questions for my masochist. Ideas, theories, puzzle pieces I'd love the opportunity to explore and test, but those still need to marinate a bit. ~naughty smile~ Oh how I enjoy the delightful things we do with one another!
~DominaKat
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