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In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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My FUCK Covid! Post

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FUCK, Covid!  I've been a socially defiant bitch more often than not.  When the world starts going one way, something in my mind always tells me to jump off that bus. Yeah...this fucking sucks.  Everywhere for everyone it sucks.  COVID (either it or the fear/threat of it) is everywhere.  But for fuck sake...does it HAVE to insinuate itself FULLY into Fet?!? If Facebook has turned into a political, socially dividing, fact-checking, misleading propaganda machine, then FetLife has turned into a giant mother fucking emotional therapy support center of tears and sniffles and traumatized blank stares. Look...I get it!  This shit is HARD...physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  I've been sheltering-in-place for 67 days in a NYC apartment with no private backyard, no balcony, no front stoop.  I need and want an escape...but since the hot, fun, and sexy has all but evaporated from my favorite kink site, Fet's only escape option is a list of virtual classes where
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My First Lessons in Service

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Ten years ago when I first found the lifestyle, I'd also moved into my brother's little house at the end of a dead end road on the edge of town.  He'd shifted to a larger place for him and his family, and he pretty much told me...do whatever—as little or as much as—you want.  To put it kindly, he'd handed me enough to keep my busy for years.  Beyond the main backyard were several acres with the property that were EXTREMELY overgrown, and I mean chest-HIGH!  All I could see beyond that edge where lawn met wild were treetops that reached for the Ohio sky. From the first day I woke up to the birds and the breeze at the FOS (The Fortress of Solitude) I worked to make a difference to my surroundings.  Once I'd gotten the house somewhat settled, I started to pull overgrown weeds that bordered the yard.  I had no idea what I'd find once I got into the thick of it all, but the woods called to my soul.   Every day, I'd tug on my leather work gloves and pr
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When I Hate My slaveheart

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(WIP?) I shouldn't be allowed to write in Top drop.  I'll admit things that are better left ignored by my consciousness.  Fuck...my /s-side is no longer sheltered under the thick blanket of community service I use to appease her.  Apparently my Service Top stole her covers and is off snoring in the shadows leaving her to fend for herself.  I'm all out of coping mechanisms.  What the fuck ever...it is what it is. The ache to surrender leaves me breathless and dizzy.  The problem is there's nothing to surrender to except the want I can not fill. ...For the word "Sir" to fall from my lips as acceptance, acquiescence, obedience, agreement, a request, a reverent plea, a deep understanding. ...That clarity of fucking purpose.  To begin and end with Him. ...To underdress Him in reverence.  His sigh of pleasure my greatest reward. ...The comfort and security of Belonging to Him. ...To stand/kneel under a hot shower and bathe His body.  No words.  Simply
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service Top Costs | Payment Due

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*(WIP | Raw Copy)* Top space... Epiphany...I guess i do Service Top. Every time i host a group/give a presentation I shift into Top Space mentally, emotionally, physically. I do what I do out of service. To share what lil knowledge I have, so that maybe it helps someone a small bit on their own journey as they search for answers and understanding. If I’m lucky, I’ll learn a thing or two myself.  So... Service Top. The costs...fuck me but the cost can be brutal. Don’t get me wrong...I enjoy the energy in the moment. In fact there is absolutely joy when those I’m in service to get excited about the thing or find a crumb they’ve been searching for. But don’t believe for a moment that automatically shoves me to the right side of the slash. It’s the aftermath that reveals the truth. When mental, emotional, physical exhaustion overwhelms me from all the soul energy I had to expend to do the thing and do the thing well. In the post-event hours, my /s-side is left naked and exposed
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Kat 501 – What I Can Give | Updated

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I am an insatiable Lover in your life. If You can pique my interests and challenge me. I could be the strong Woman by Your side. If You are a strong, beautiful Man and make the effort to see all I am. I could be Your sweet, wicked Domina on Your arm. If You are a Sir that deserves and respects a classy lady. I could the alfred of Your dreams. If You are a Superhero of Integrity and have Goals I can believe in. I would be Your vicious Warrior ever at Your back. If You prove worthy of my sincerest respect. I could be Your ever-hungry Masochist crumpled at Your feet. If Your greedy Sadist deliciously feasts on my pain and fucks my mind. I would be Your committed, monogamous Partner in life. If You are honest, careful, considerate, and love true. I could be your wild primal prey in your sights. If You are a Dark Beast who can shelve His ego and dance with my defiance. I would be Your nasty, fucking Whore in Your arms. If You stroke my hedonistic twisted desires and che
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Conferences Make Me...

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At about the 15 minute mark of the first session of the Flame Conference yesterday. I absentmindedly shifted in my chair as I sipped my DIY mocha with instant coffee and ready whip.  (Suffering is real!) I listened to the speaker, scanned the slides, scribbled copious notes in my purple book most of you have seen in my lap.  Then my subconscious started knocking at my conscious... Subconscious | ~knock knock~ Bitch, you paying attention??? Conscious | ~shifted in chair~   Huh ? ~sips chocolate, coffee, cream~ Subconscious | GURL!  Has it really been that long that you don't even know what's up? Conscious | What's up?  Where?  What?  Is there a fire?"  ~sniff~   Has the apocalypse started?  ~listens~ {pigeon sounds} Subconscious | ~groan!~ Conscious | Whaaaa...I'm in a conference session.  What is the issue?!?   ~shifts in chair~   Wait....oh shit! Subconscious | Yeeeeessss, bitch...yeeeesssssssss! Conscious | ~shifts in chair~   Huh... ~rubs thighs toge
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My Needs in a TPE

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My blog posts are a bit daunting to sift through, so I pulled together a short list in case the question what I'm looking for in regards to M/s ever needs a serious response. Yes, the definition of "needs versus wants" is always a thing.  My subjective criteria: If x was NOT a foundational aspect of my relationship, would it significantly impact my surrender and ability to serve?  So...if I was to have a strong 24/7 Authority-Based Relationship that encompassed most aspects of my life... My Relationship Needs in an Ideal TPE Situations To grow, learn, evolve...to positively impact me and my journey True to me | a lioness not a pirouetting renaissance fair chic or a helpless clueless lamb (I can not be less, so he can fake like he's more.) [ This Woman's Submission... ] A competent/compatible partner* I can connect with and believe in | an ability to align wills [ My Reverse Matryoshka Doll... ] To belong/be claimed/be wanted | a functional Owner/property
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