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In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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TES Fest | an Ugly Confession & the Dawn of Rediscovery

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Series | TES Fest 2022 Essay #4 |  an Ugly Confession & the Delight of Rediscovery CONFESSION | Somewhere in the last 18+ months I lost all feelings of sexiness.  Actually it's worse than than that.  I no longer felt attractive, I couldn't quite recognize my own body movements, and I flat out didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.  It was almost as if I'd lost complete connection with my physical self. Just typing all those words is difficult.  I feel like I failed myself somehow even though when I look back I see so many personal triumphs.  I'd mentioned elements of the issue a few times to a handful of folks, but no one seemed to be able to relate, and it's only in writing this post and looking back that I can truly perceive the depth of the issue. There's no way to cover in a single post everything that transpired between the Fall of 2020 and March of 2022, but I believe many factors contributed to my lost physical connection. A 7-month hibernation d
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TES Fest 2022 | Vendors & My Groaning Wallet

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Series | TES Fest 2022 Essay #3 | Vendors & My Groaning Wallet FINALLY...a week later, I finish UNPACKING from TES Fest!  Unlike packing, this process allowed me to unwrap, touch, and/or play with all the goodies I brought home with me, so there were little bursts of joy to carry me through the week as I emptied one bag and then another.  ") I'd purchased a number of custom pieces over the last 2 1/2 years from folks like Whispers of Fire Fet | Website , Whips by Axel Fet | Website , Toolworks Chicago Fet | Website , and UniqueKink Fet | Website , so my S&M Toolbox was VERY well set.  Yes...Kinky Retail Therapy during the pandemic was a thing for me...don't judge. lol Knowing my toolbox was already too damn big to take with me any-fucking-where anymore, my Lifestyle spending for 2022 was going to focus more on gear.  After all, I AM doing the Con/Run thing now!  Gotta show up and represent, right???  I'd browsed the TES Fest Vendor websites, but meh...only
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TES Fest 2022 | Connecting & RE-Connecting to Kink/Leather Humanity

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Series | TES Fest 2022 Essay #2 | Connecting & RE-Connecting to Kink/Leather Humanity I had planned to leave at Noon, but to be perfectly honest, Thursday morning I was completely unmotivated to go to TES Fest.  I was sick of fucking packing the ridiculous amount of things needed for a con, the commute was going to suck ass as I had to traverse at least THREE boroughs before I'd just get to Jersey, and quite honestly the thought of hanging around 500+ people held zero appeal.   Despite my extroverted ways in NYC during the three years prior to the pandemic, I am a natural introvert.  Passions and curiosity drive me to extrovert.  However when it comes to the Lifestyle, I'm less curious after 12 years in and traveling many miles on my journey.  Plus my demisexual nature combined with my current solo journey has left my internal passion in a state of cold embers.  More classes with no significant other to practice with held no interest...zilch, nada, NONE. Then there's th
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TES Fest 2022 | Post-Con Status & Priorities

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It's been less than 36 hours since leaving TES Fest 2022. For every amazing person who has messaged me, friended me, commented on something I shared...please bare with me for the next 5-7 days... I was back to my 9 to 5 vanilla job Tuesday am, which leaves me with limited time. My mind is still a whirlwind of amazing shit I need to process and express. That blizzard of thought has left me below standard logic and brainwave wise, and I do not want to do you a disservice by being a fucking airhead! smh... more water...more veggies...more sleep. My body is still recovering. Even my fucking hands ache! SMH...I'm self-masochist-ing just by typing! More Advil...more sleep...more veggies. Aside from my own self-care, my post-con priorities are checking on those closest to me regarding con drop, anyone I Topped, anyone I've offered aftercare from their other scenes, as well as reassuring vanilla family who got a little worried that I was harder to reach than usual. lol I prom
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My Dizzying Return to the In-Person Magic of Leather & Kink

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Today, under an absolutely beautiful breezy blue sky, was my first foray back to in-person Leather and Kink since COVID slammed NYC into a bleak lockdown of rampant illness and death.  Yeah...my return has been slow as fuck.  Sorry not sorry...I lost all faith the last 2+ years that humanity held a basic foundation of common fucking sense.  Humans are humans and they'll do what they want not necessarily what they should.  However, the world is different now, the numbers are down, and the heat index was low, so I'm easing my way back into the flow of humanity on my terms.   As I laid in my bed this morning contemplating those terms and my day, a gradual dawning of RE-awareness crept over me...all the fucking things that go into going to a community event.  SMH.  Fuck...I'd forgotten!  The clothes.  The leather.  The implements.  The EFFORT!  But at the last minute I pulled my shit together and stepped out without embarrassing myself or my Chapter.   On my Uber drive with a s
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Lit Fires & Those Who Feed the Flames

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It's launched.  After two long years, The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships & Dynamics !  This concept came over me in the Spring of 2020 in the middle of the initial NYC COVID outbreak and REFUSED to slip into the lost files of my mind.  When I previewed my very rough ugly concept outline a few weeks later to each of my personal Board of Directors, my first questions were "Who's already put this idea together?  Who's already written this book?"  All of them laughed and said, "No one.  I've never seen Service put out there like this.  I guess you need to be the one."  My fate was sealed.   The concept persisted even when I was overwhelmed with grief at the deep loss of my close friend and Member of my Board of Directors, through the brutal workload that was UPRISE! 2021, while handling needs of my closest family, and as I did my best to dodge the numerous COVID surges that plague our communities.  However, for much of the la
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3am Seeking Surrender

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It's 3:00am on a warm Spring night in NYC.  The city and its inhabitants have dozed off, gaining strength for tomorrow's usual urban push and shove.  I should be asleep.  I wish I was asleep, but for the first time in a long time, the need to surrender dogs my soul.  It's fucking ironic that the toughest moments of being unowned always seem to be after I've been in Top Space.  How fucking cliche and stereotypical is that?  ~augh~ Anyone who knows me understands those are two adjective rarely applicable to me, but it is what it is. No, I didn't beat anyone's ass, but tonight I test drove another class. the one I was most unsure of concept wise—The 9 Service Languages of Authority Transfer Relationships/Dynamics.   It was a LOT of fucking content, but the concept seems to have resonated well with the handful of seasoned M/s veterans I tested my theory with tonight.   The Top Space energy combined with the vibe of success has left me humming.  I've meditated. 
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