Fire & Ice

In a spacious room outside of Youngstown, exhausted and momentarily paused on my way to to my hometown for the holidays, I find myself suspended between multiple worlds, multiple lives, multiple realities.  A strange yet insightful place.   I haven't been alone in a hotel room since returning to "unowned" status.  The couple of times I've had a room were stuffed with people and schedules and events.  Whether it's the exhaustion dogging my body and mind or the scent of the room or the feel of the sheets against my naked flesh, I don't know, but my whore...she stirs.  I ache for the warmth of skin against my skin, the weight of a Man pushing me into the mattress, the all-consuming burn of passion and need and fire and darkness.  ~sigh~  Being alone is nothing new to me.  It's my security blanket.  I can exist simply in the moment without anyone else's roles, expectations, needs, or wants influencing my course.  I can be in my truth whatever that

{sigh} I've finally lifted my head above the water and caught my breath.  After months of swimming with chaotic tides and focusing so tightly on the tasks I had in front of me, I finally have the bandwidth to see, feel, be. I am restless tonight. I ache to quench a thirst I can not name even as I lack the desire to drink. Logic and knowledge nag me of a dozen things I am long overdue to have in my life.  Love.  Passion.  Desire.  Touch.  Sex.  Pain.  Dominance.  Submission.  Orgasms.  Intimacy.  Service.  Surrender.  Yet my Lioness remains unstirred for any of it.  Not even a whisker twitch of curiosity disturbs her stillness. Maybe I've trained myself too well.  Do not want what you can not have.  Let go of the ache, so that it won't dictate my direction.  Lessons force fed from the cruelest of fates again and again. I know...I'm still working on slowing down after such a long, brutal pace.  There is an impatient viciousness to cut off anything that does not

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Spending some time again with Christian Scott aTunde Adjuah this evening.  Somehow he always seems to help me find my words.  He teases them from my soul like he does the haunting notes from his trumpet.  Long.  Drawn out.  Strung together to tell his truth.  Maybe today, I'll find mine. A milestone.  One few can understand the personal and emotional significance of.  The summit of Everest after years of climbing in treacherous, punishing conditions.  A triumph over evil.  A redemption after hell.  It was beautiful and moved me deeply.  A reality I once never dreamed could come to pass. An anniversary.  Five years in NYC.  Where I've grown in ways unimagined.  The dichotomy of the demands and opportunities.  Of harsh practicalities and limitless awe.  My gypsy wanderer dances under the shadows of steel and glass through the concrete jungle.  More pieces of myself unwrapped and stacked on a foundation made stronger. The blessings shared in service to a community.  To give

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I didn't kink last night.  Despite two of my favorite presenters and a topic I'm still curious to explore, I looked at the NYC skyline, the cramped streets, and the endless rain, and I chose the uptown track to carry my home. I didn't kink tonight.  Too leary of wacky icky energy of strange ones, couples with their own focused agenda, and Times Square on a hot sticky night, I avoided another preferred event.  I just didn't have it in me to sift through chaos to find positive crumbs, so I met a friend and talked 1:1 kink for two hours. My choices weren't born of a need to preserve my strength.  I'm almost vibrating with the need to move, an echo of my pacing lioness. My choices were about a need to shield myself from unnecessary aggravation, and if you've never hit Times Square between 5 and 6 pm or spent a rainy evening on New York City streets, at best it can be one hassle after another as everyone fights to avoid the misery of a wet, humid, icky rush

It's been an odd few weeks...outing myself to a distance acquaintance against my better judgement, my slave self making a spontaneous appearance in an unhealthy situation, a heartbreaking confession, a confrontation with a bully who escalated dumb shit to put his hands on me and ended up on the floor for it, a non-consenting witness to group therapy.  I've racked up a fair share of negative encounters in a short amount of time.  None of them earth shattering or world-changing by any means.  I'm just not at my best.  All of it has left my energy in a funk that I'm not sure how to dissipate. My Lioness is wide awake after having been in a coma for much of the last year, and it wasn't passion and sexiness that woke her.  She definitely rolled off the wrong side of the bed from all the pokes and prods.  She's not angry, but she is annoyed and watchful.  Her claws are unsheathed.  She paces. I know I am well equipped to handle almost anything that comes my way.