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In Tatters

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I knelt at His feet in the utter mess I’d made. My struggle to succeed was stark. No one had ever seen me so disheveled…in such embarrassing circumstances. As He cleaned me up for the second time two minutes, I looked up to meet His steady gaze and tried to gauge his reaction. Disgust at another disastrous, completely unimpressive act of service? Frustrated at my inability to get it together? Sadistically amused at another ridiculous unglamorous predicament I’d once again found myself in? I knew he was taking in every fucking minute detail of the wreck before Him and squirreling it away in the vault of His mind, but what did He feel? His stoic expression offered me no hint. Without comment He stood firm in front of me. Fuckin unwavering. He hadn’t walked away. He hadn’t stepped back. I swear He may have even leaned in. As soon as I’d semi-collected myself, I began my third attempt even as I tried in vain to push the remaining proof of my ineptitude out of view, hoping it would simply
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When I Hate My slaveheart

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(WIP?) I shouldn't be allowed to write in Top drop.  I'll admit things that are better left ignored by my consciousness.  Fuck...my /s-side is no longer sheltered under the thick blanket of community service I use to appease her.  Apparently my Service Top stole her covers and is off snoring in the shadows leaving her to fend for herself.  I'm all out of coping mechanisms.  What the fuck ever...it is what it is. The ache to surrender leaves me breathless and dizzy.  The problem is there's nothing to surrender to except the want I can not fill. ...For the word "Sir" to fall from my lips as acceptance, acquiescence, obedience, agreement, a request, a reverent plea, a deep understanding. ...That clarity of fucking purpose.  To begin and end with Him. ...To underdress Him in reverence.  His sigh of pleasure my greatest reward. ...The comfort and security of Belonging to Him. ...To stand/kneel under a hot shower and bathe His body.  No words.  Simply
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service Top Costs | Payment Due

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*(WIP | Raw Copy)* Top space... Epiphany...I guess i do Service Top. Every time i host a group/give a presentation I shift into Top Space mentally, emotionally, physically. I do what I do out of service. To share what lil knowledge I have, so that maybe it helps someone a small bit on their own journey as they search for answers and understanding. If I’m lucky, I’ll learn a thing or two myself.  So... Service Top. The costs...fuck me but the cost can be brutal. Don’t get me wrong...I enjoy the energy in the moment. In fact there is absolutely joy when those I’m in service to get excited about the thing or find a crumb they’ve been searching for. But don’t believe for a moment that automatically shoves me to the right side of the slash. It’s the aftermath that reveals the truth. When mental, emotional, physical exhaustion overwhelms me from all the soul energy I had to expend to do the thing and do the thing well. In the post-event hours, my /s-side is left naked and exposed
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Kat 501 – What I Can Give | Updated

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I am an insatiable Lover in your life. If You can pique my interests and challenge me. I could be the strong Woman by Your side. If You are a strong, beautiful Man and make the effort to see all I am. I could be Your sweet, wicked Domina on Your arm. If You are a Sir that deserves and respects a classy lady. I could the alfred of Your dreams. If You are a Superhero of Integrity and have Goals I can believe in. I would be Your vicious Warrior ever at Your back. If You prove worthy of my sincerest respect. I could be Your ever-hungry Masochist crumpled at Your feet. If Your greedy Sadist deliciously feasts on my pain and fucks my mind. I would be Your committed, monogamous Partner in life. If You are honest, careful, considerate, and love true. I could be your wild primal prey in your sights. If You are a Dark Beast who can shelve His ego and dance with my defiance. I would be Your nasty, fucking Whore in Your arms. If You stroke my hedonistic twisted desires and che
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Conferences Make Me...

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At about the 15 minute mark of the first session of the Flame Conference yesterday. I absentmindedly shifted in my chair as I sipped my DIY mocha with instant coffee and ready whip.  (Suffering is real!) I listened to the speaker, scanned the slides, scribbled copious notes in my purple book most of you have seen in my lap.  Then my subconscious started knocking at my conscious... Subconscious | ~knock knock~ Bitch, you paying attention??? Conscious | ~shifted in chair~   Huh ? ~sips chocolate, coffee, cream~ Subconscious | GURL!  Has it really been that long that you don't even know what's up? Conscious | What's up?  Where?  What?  Is there a fire?"  ~sniff~   Has the apocalypse started?  ~listens~ {pigeon sounds} Subconscious | ~groan!~ Conscious | Whaaaa...I'm in a conference session.  What is the issue?!?   ~shifts in chair~   Wait....oh shit! Subconscious | Yeeeeessss, bitch...yeeeesssssssss! Conscious | ~shifts in chair~   Huh... ~rubs thighs toge
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My Needs in a TPE

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My blog posts are a bit daunting to sift through, so I pulled together a short list in case the question what I'm looking for in regards to M/s ever needs a serious response. Yes, the definition of "needs versus wants" is always a thing.  My subjective criteria: If x was NOT a foundational aspect of my relationship, would it significantly impact my surrender and ability to serve?  So...if I was to have a strong 24/7 Authority-Based Relationship that encompassed most aspects of my life... My Relationship Needs in an Ideal TPE Situations To grow, learn, evolve...to positively impact me and my journey True to me | a lioness not a pirouetting renaissance fair chic or a helpless clueless lamb (I can not be less, so he can fake like he's more.) [ This Woman's Submission... ] A competent/compatible partner* I can connect with and believe in | an ability to align wills [ My Reverse Matryoshka Doll... ] To belong/be claimed/be wanted | a functional Owner/property
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I Miss YOU

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To my Community Friends & Family...I miss you!  I know I'm connecting with many of you numerous ways electronically, but I fucking MISS sharing space with YOU. I miss your warm hugs. I miss the smell of you. I miss the solid-ness of you. I miss watching you interact with those you love most. I miss that subtle look you'd send my way of "WTF?" at something someone else may have said. I miss your head leaning on my shoulder or (depending on height) my head on yours. I miss putting my hand on your arm, thigh, or chest as I laughed in joy at our conversation. I miss that side-eye glance followed by..."stop talking...I need a minute to think of all you just envisioned." I miss sitting next to you on shitty chairs in a cramped room all for the purpose of simply sharing knowledge and energy. I miss the friction of our bodies rubbing against one another as we moved through a crowded munch. I miss the shared excitement and heat as we played together i
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My Inherent Search for Power Exchange

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I'm not going to bullshit.  The desire right now to be well and truly Owned by an M-type who is stronger, smarter, more capable than me is visceral. Don't get me wrong.  It isn't overwhelming or crippling.  I continue to stand fucking STRONG in the face of this tsunami that has flooded NYC.  I am blessedly still working, and as soon as my day is done I start the work/effort of supporting the community I love so much however I can. Of course throughout the day I also handle a myriad of tasks.  I stay informed as much as I can on the status of all the things by catching Cuomo's press conference, scrolling the news feeds, and reading the emergency notifications.  I dash out every few days for a super quick trip to the store to replenish essentials and to stretch my legs so used to eating up two miles of the concrete jungle a day.  Most of all, I virtually connect with friends and family in an endless warm loop of love, concern, compassion, and support.  I eat.  I exe
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